Thursday, October 15, 2009


October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Moving on after Miscarriage

Apparently the Today Show did a segment on miscarriage earlier:

It was a great piece, I thought.
It brought tears to my eyes, of course.

It just steams me that so many of us go through this and it's all hush-hush.

I was particularly pleased that they touched on Early loss and that it's still devastating nonetheless!
I want to broadcast this 24/7.

People need to wake up out there and be more empathetic. Miscarriage is NOT a secret club. Nobody wants to join it, but it happens. Every day, unfortunately. Show some support!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

The longest while.

I can't believe I've neglected this blog for so long. I mean, I can, but I can't. I suck sometimes is what it boils down to... sort of.

I'm finally going to spill the beans here. It's been a long time coming but I have my reasons. And actually, when it comes down to the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been *that* long.

So.. Here Goes: I'm Pregnant. 21 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Almost five months pregnant. Me. PREGNANT!!

Now here's the thing: I'm beyond excited, elated, whatever. But it has not been an easy time getting to this point. In fact, it wasn't until my last appointment, nearly two weeks ago, that I started to feel really excited about this.

It's been HARD for me to grasp. Not that I'm pregnant, but that there really and truly is a baby growing inside of me and s/he really and truly is OK and that s/he really and truly is going to be born unto us... it's just been a hard road travelled is all.

And yes, I most certainly blame it on last year's miscarriage... Without ANY hesitation whatsoever... Unfortunately.

Things were so iffy with my emotions, or lack of, that my wonderful husband (and I do mean Wonderful because he's been absolutely beyond amazing and loving and supporting and adorable and wonderful with this pregnancy) actually asked if maybe I should go speak with a professional about it. There were comments like, "I hope you get excited about this soon."


I realized through some tough moments that my lack of excitement and energy toward this pregnancy, this baby, was not only a result of the miscarriage from last year but also because of the fact that that pregnancy and that loss basically stole any innocence I had when it came to conceiving or trying to conceive a child of our own. I just couldn't get excited because I knew what could very well happen.

I mean, sure there are statistics and every newly pregnant woman thinks about miscarriage at some point during their pregnancy, but having been there, I can honestly say that it truly is different once it's happened. It's one thing to think about it, but it's a whole other ballgame to be able to remember and re-live moments ... it's just not easy for our brains to grasp. And then there's the fear of becoming too attached (again) only for it to be ripped away (again).

It killed me inside to know that no matter what I did or tried to do, the excitement for this baby just wasn't there - not like it was last year. Not like it was when I had never experienced being pregnant before. It killed me. I tried so hard not to compare pregnancies and appointments but it was too difficult. And then July 3rd came about and I was reminded how just one year prior I was the happiest person to walk the face of the earth... only for July 29th to hit and remind me that I wanted to wither away to nothing.

It's truly been a very interesting couple of months to say the least.

And please don't for one moment think that I'm not INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to be sitting here today writing this while my baby wiggles around inside of me. I couldn't be happier right now... well, yes, I could and I will be when the baby is placed in my arms.

It just took a while for me to get here, is all.

I can't even say how many appointments I've had and I think I've had 5 ultrasounds already, too. I'm not complaining about these appointments because with every one that I... WE... survived, the more excited I became. But it just wasn't easy to get here.

I'd have to say that it was my last appointment, just two weeks ago, that has brought me to this elation stage I'm in currently. I was SO incredibly anxious and worried that something horrible would go wrong with that appointment. It had been four long weeks since the last time I saw my baby - and even longer for my poor husband. But it was so worth it.

On the screen, in black and white, was our baby. Moving. Chilling out. Even hiccuping. Everything was there and seemed to be growing appropriately. It was beautiful. Then when I saw the doctor, he tried listening for the heartbeat (prior appts had been unsuccessful - probably because of my pre-pg fat) and after a minute or so, we heard it. That truly magical sound of our living and growing baby.

We finally get to become parents.

And maybe tomorrow, we'll finally find out the sex.


So there you have it... a tiny reason why I haven't been around too much the past several months. And since this is a blog dealing with loss, I probably won't be posting too much in the future either. At least I hope not (when it comes to loss).

But this all will always remain with me. No matter what tomorrow brings.

Monday, July 27, 2009

A part of who I am now

As much as I'm trying to move on, to avoid this blog, to avoid thinking about what happened a year ago... I just can't.

I can't forget it, I can't ignore it.

It's a part of who I am now.

And as much as I want that to change... or vanish... or at least subside even a little, I've pretty much come to terms that it never will.

Because it's a part of who I am now.

I'm talking about the miscarriage I suffered one year ago. I'm talking about the best AND worst month of my life - July 2008.

I've had some really good moments this month in this year - most things I haven't touched on yet here at this blog. I've been wanting to share some thoughts here, but I just couldn't. Not yet. Not now. Not until July 30th comes and goes, at least.


It's just an odd month for me... and an even harder week.

This was the month when I got pregnant, this was the month my life was taking a change, this was the month when all my hopes and dreams got crushed, too. All in one month in one year of my life.

Like I said, an odd month.

It's just hard not to reflect this time around. Maybe next year will be easier - and hopefully years to follow, too.

But I don't think I can ever forget this month in 2008.

It's just a part of who I am now.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

One year ago yesterday, today

4th of July, 2009

So one year ago yesterday, I got my first ever BFP. I can remember it like it was yesterday... I was SO incredibly happy and excited, and looking back, a little naive, too.

No, actually I don't think naive is the right word. More like innocent. I just didn't think I'd fall into the category of miscarrying.

I told S yesterday that one year ago I got my BFP and he didn't really say much. I sat in silence for several minutes just thinking about the past year and about what could've been and said, "We would've had a 4-month old if it all worked out."

He kept playing his video game.

"Have you ever thought of that?"

"No," he said calmly.

How sad, I thought. I mean, I guess I understand because while he would've been the daddy, he didn't have to suffer the physical ramifications of having a pregnancy end so early... he didn't have to suffer the knife-like cramping for months to follow as a reminder that there was once life forming inside and then was sucked out due to no more growth. I guess I can understand that he can let it go so easily - as can everyone else.

I guess it's just different for the women that have to carry the burden, the pain, the torment of knowing there was once the start of a what could have been an amazing life and then, boom, it's over. All inside of you. It's like it belongs to you and only you... and because the world is so fucking hush-hush about it all, who else is going to carry that pain?! Hell, who else is even going to empathize with you?!?

... ... ...

One year ago today, we were so excited and so giddy and so ... everything. We went to Walgreens one year ago today, to pick up some random stuff for the weekend, including a digital test. I would wait until tomorrow (did I mention I remember this like it was yesterday) to take the digital test with the first morning's urine. At like 4 or 5AM I'd get up (tomorrow - a year ago) and pee in a cup and go back to sleep... only there was no sleeping, just tossing and turning with a grin on my face and romantic day dreams of living happily ever after in my head. After an hour or so, I'd get up and go back in the bathroom, unwrap the digital test, dip it in the pee for 15 excrutiatingly long seconds, cap the pee end, place it on the edge of the tub and wait. I'd close my eyes and continue my romantic day dreams, telling myself not to peek. And then, after what seemed like an hour but was really only a couple minutes, I opened my eyes, told myself not to get upset if it wasn't positive like the Dollar Store tests were two days prior, and glanced down at the digital test whilst holding my breath.

PREGNANT it read.


I remember looking into the mirror after reading PREGNANT for a third time, smiling, and then crying. I was finally going to become a mom.
... ... ...

No point in reliving the entire moment. That's enough for now. You can read all about it by clicking on the link at the beginning of this post if that's something you want to do. I'm done reliving it. It's really time for me to let this all go... I really need to move on.

I won't ever forget this happened. I won't ever forget that I became close to becoming a mom in 2009, but... I just need to move forward. It's beyond time.

I love you, my angel.

Friday, June 26, 2009

I'm an Auntie. Again.

What's that old saying? Always a bridesmaid, never a bride? Does the same apply to Aunt-hood? Always an auntie, never a mom?

I have to say NO.

Anyway, here's my latest nephew born at the very end of Father's Day.

If you don't know the family, you'd think, What a great day for a child to be born. The only problem with this is that the father of this child has another son, 17, who he hasn't seen or spoken with or checked in on in years. But that's not this new baby's fault. It's just... unfortunate that things work out the way they do sometimes. Unfortunate and very unfair if you ask me.

Welcome to the world, smallest nephew of mine!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

9 years

That's not how long it's been since I've written, it's how long S and I have been together. Wow, huh? We met online in April of 2000. I placed an online personals ad and he replied. I fell in love with his wit and his eye to actually writing properly... true story! :) We met in person on June 17th and the rest, as they say, is history.

While we didn't get married until seven years later, we've always been each other's Ein und Alles (one and only). No doubts ever about that.

I never thought it was going to be possible to find someone that I would truly mesh with, but I did. I'm incredibly blessed for that. Incredibly. I come from a family plagued by divorce so marriage was something I didn't want to blindly go into. Hell that's why I'm still not a mom... as badly as I wanted to become one, I just couldn't go and get knocked up just to have one no matter how much I may have wanted to.

So yeah, there you have it. Just another reason why I really am ready for this motherhood thing... 9 years with the same man and we're both still alive! That's saying something if you ask me. ;)

But first, it's time to become an Auntie yet again. Any day now my 4th nephew should be joining us. Then after that, in early September, I will be becoming a Great Aunt for the second time to a great-nephew. Boys, boys, boys everywhere! Even a girlfriend is k/u with a boy. Where are all the girls??

Saturday, May 30, 2009

quick update

We're heading over to my darling grandmother's today to celebrate her 85th birthday. I love this woman with my entire heart and entire being. I ache when I think of losing her but I know that nobody is immortal.

If things would've panned out the way they were supposed to, we'd be bringing our almost 3-month old baby along. Is it morbid that I think like that? Maybe so but it's what I feel. And that makes me sad because I NEED a picture of my grandmother with my child. This HAS to happen. I'm not naive enough to believe that my child will get to know my grandmother because, well, there is no child and my grandmother is 85. But a picture?? If I could just get a picture of them, then I can keep her alive in stories... Ack, and now I'm crying. So stupid!

Anyway, tomorrow S and I leave for a mini vacation. We're only driving a couple hours north and staying there for a couple days before coming home on Wednesday. Our 2 year wedding anniversary is Monday so we're going to celebrate that... I wonder if we'd still be going if we had an almost 3 month old on our hands. Probably. Our life will be even more enriched, after all, once we have a little family. That's what I believe, at least.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm doing it. I'm taking a break from here and blogging [removed] instead. This blog will remain public, but the other one is not... [removed]


Wednesday, May 13, 2009


One of the main reasons I know that I'm ready to be a mom is because of my nephews and nieces, but specifically because of my one nephew, Joey.

Joey just turned 17 on May 1st.

When he was 4 his parents (my brother is his father) got divorced. Joey cried when his mom left the house but mainly because she and his big sister were crying. My brother threw everything he had into Joey and his big sister. Everything. After a couple months passed, the siblings were spending a weekend with their mom and Joey came home but his big sister stayed with the mom. Joey was barely 5 then and he couldn't understand why he couldn't be with his sister and his mom. He cried and cried on more than one occasion over this. It was rather... disgusting, to be blunt.

Anyway, I moved in with my brother to help take care of Joey and his big sister until his big sister left. Then I just helped take care of Joey. And it was my absolute honor to be a part of his everyday life.

I was there for so many of his firsts, even teaching him a couple of his firsts... like tying his shoes and helping him read. It was an absolute joy.

But after about four years, I had to make the leap onto my own in the hopes that I could find someone to settle down with and hopefully start a family of my own. I wanted "a Joey" who would rely on me to nurture, love, teach him while he called me Mom instead of Auntie. I felt that I had so much love inside that I needed to share and I wanted to share it with a child.

Soooooo Joey just turned 17, like I said, and while we don't have every day contact like we did until about a year after I moved out, I still (and always will) hold a very dear piece of my heart for him and I like to think that I've done my job (and still continue to as well) as far as letting him know that I unconditionally love him, that I am always here for him, that I want nothing but the best for him, that I believe that he can do anything he put his mind to, that I know that he is a good human being and can make a positive impact in this world.

That said, I was quite distraught when I received a text message from him yesterday telling me that neither his "douche bag father" nor his grandfather had the "courtesy" to even send him a birthday card. Aside from me, he heard from not one person from this side of the family and he's very upset and hurt.

I know he texted me because he probably would've cried if he called me.

And my heart broke when I read the text and my blood started to boil and I started to cry.

See, Joey hit his adolescent years and started to rebel against his strict father - so much so that his father allowed Joey to move in with his mom... the first time since he was 4. That was just before Joey turned 13, about 4 years ago. And since then, my brother/Joey's father basically shut Joey out. He went from living and breathing for the boy to absolutely having nothing to do with him because Joey was rebelling and wouldn't listen and was getting in trouble. The horror!

Well, now my brother is expecting another child in just a month or so... another boy.

Isn't that awesome? Isn't it great that he gets to have another child when the first one he had sits thinking his father wants nothing to do with him because he can't even acknowledge him on his birthday?

Yeah, right!

It absolutely repulses me the way some people are granted the gift of a child and what they do with that gift, while others would do anything for that gift and treat it as such - a gift from God.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

Here it is - May 10, 2009 - Mother's Day.

Today is the day when most people will spend at least a portion of the day thinking of Mom. Some who still have Mom around may even pick up the phone and call her, while others who live nearby may even spend some time with Mom today. I'm sure restaurants will be quite busy today - breakfast, lunch, brunch, and dinner. And I'm sure there will be a Mom at nearly every table.

Today is the day when flower shops make a killing. Spring is in the air and it's Mother's Day. What better way to let Mom know you're thinking of her than to send or bring her some pretty flowers?

And then there's the cards... the aisle of cards made especially for today, Mother's Day.

I love my Mom but it's taken me a while to get to the place where I can accept her for who she is now and not who she was back when I really needed her the most, back when her role of Mom was extremely important. That said, I've never been a huge fan of Mother's Day. I didn't feel that my Mom really deserved a special day just for her. But I always honored her on this day regardless because, well, she did give birth to me and she is my Mom.

Anyway, I told my darling husband that I really needed him to acknowledge me this Mother's Day. I am a mother to a baby in heaven after all! I know most of the world doesn't see it that way - because I lost baby so early on in my pregnancy. But I don't care about most of the world and what they think.

In the 22 years that I've been an aunt, I've only received ONE Mother's Day card directed to "Aunt". ONE. It's a shame, really... the way women who've done everything a Mom does except birth a child can be disregarded on a day like today. It's sad, really. It doesn't take much to say three little words to someone, after all.

"Happy Mother's Day"

So whether you birthed a child or just nurtured a child; whether you were pregnant and suffered an early loss or lost late in the pregnancy; whether you're a pet owner or a babysitter...


Monday, May 4, 2009

Stinkin' Cute!

I finished a couple projects I've been working on and thought why not document here?

Behold the baby blanket for my nephew coming early July...

It turned out OK. There's no holes like the first one I made, but I screwed up on one end... like my mom said, though, Nobody but God is perfect. So I'm sending it soon to where my nephew to be will be born.

And then there's my favorite project since taking up knitting... baby leg warmies!

Oh my are these stinkin' cute and stinkin' easy! I did a pair in one weekend and now that I know how to do them, I don't think it should take more than a day to do... I'm not sure what I'll be doing with these shown as they are yellow and I don't see my nephew or great-nephew sporting these so I'll have to save for my phantom baby - or maybe till someone has a girl.

I'm thinking of making these in "team sport colors" in the hopes that some of the moms to the boys will put them on their little ones little legs... I know I would! Soooo stinkin' cute!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Update take II

I guess I changed my mind - yet again.

Rather than make this blog private (at this time), I think I'm just going to take a break for a bit.

I'm OK (so no worries!), just ... tired.

Cheerio until next time, yo.

Friday, April 24, 2009

A BLOG-related decision

I'm a pretty private person and that's mainly because I have major trust issues. Most people that know me, know this. That said, when it came to this blog, I didn't want it to be private. This is the second blog that's completely me... but really, it's just an extension of the first blog - the BFP blog. Anyway, in the past, I've always blogged my thoughts and whatnot, but I changed names and locations and never revealed *anything* that could be related back to it belonging to me... I'm not aiming to hurt anyone after all. My purpose when blogging is therapeutic.

Enough rambling though.

My point to this post is to let you, the reader (like all three of you), know that I'm going private.

I thought of going private about a month ago when a buttload of internet peeps and myself got into a tiff, but decided against it because ... well, because this is my blog and there's information here, particularly about dealing with miscarriage and loss and grieving, that I *want* to share with people who need a glimpse into something like that.

But I think I'm done with all that.

It was cool while it lasted, but I'm done. I can either create a brand new blog and make that one private or falsify like others in the past or I could make this one private. I'm not starting over so I'm choosing the latter.

If you want to continue to read, please just subscribe by following the directions provided by blogger once I make the change. If you're just a nosey lurker, fuck you.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday again. I had a killer headache all day and stopped to get something to drown my sorrows into -- a huge bag of Jays BBQ chips and chocolate chip cookies. After gorging on the chips - the entire bloody bag - I took a nap (turns out I didn't have everything I needed to make the cookies).

While I drifted off it dawned on me that I need help. If I was a drinker, I probably would've gotten drunk last night. If I was a pot smoker, I probably would've gotten stoned. Instead I just eat. And eat and eat and eat.

It's no wonder I'm obese.

It's nights like last night when I realize that I'm very slowly killing myself with the toxic foods I gorge on at times.

How sick is that? Really, how fucking sick is that?

There are people in much worse shape than me in this world. People with much graver lives and problems than mine... and here I am eating myself to death.

::shakes head::

I told S that maybe I need to go see an infertility therapist or something. He said, "can't we just have more sex?"

I need him to come to terms that there is a possibility that this is not going to happen for us. I really need him to acknowledge that - and I told him this last night. But he won't give in to that. Instead, he insists that he needs me not to give up hope.

::takes deep breath in::

And that's when I spilled the beans on what's been bothering me the most lately: Fear. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up again only to be crushed again like I was last July.

"Remember how positive I was last July?" I cried to S. "I had no doubts about that pregnancy and then he took it all away from me."

I cried and cried.

"I don't think I can live through that again," I whispered.

"But you can't give up all hope," he told me. And I know he's right. And I haven't given up ALL hope. But I'm a little more realistic this time around because... well... there's a reason I still haven't gotten pregnant, I believe.


I've been doing some research and I think my luteal phase is too short. Prior to getting pregnant it was 10 days which is right at the cusp of being long enough and not long enough. Lately, it seems it's been about 8 days. If that's the case, if the problem is that my LP is too short, I think it's fixable.

See, I still have *some* hope that I can be fixed.

I'm not a doctor though... but I'm planning to call one this afternoon.

I hate this shit. I just really hate this fucking shit.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I had a significant temperature drop read on the ole basal thermometer this morning. I guess AF will be arriving at any moment. I guess that explains the horrid irritability lately. And the cramps and sore boobs and ridiculous gorging. I mean, why would any of those symptoms be equal to being pregnant? It's me, after all.

Another cycle down the drain.

I guess I'll be calling the doctor in the next day or two and asking for an appointment to discuss our next step. I cannot continue on like this until a year past the m/c date (end of July). I just can't keep playing the mind/heart/body games.

S said he'll go with me to the appointment.

I'm not going to lie and pretend like this all makes me happy. Obviously it doesn't. I mean, sure a part of me just wants to know something, just wants to have some sort of reason for the madness... but a bigger part of me is terrified to hear that it's the worst case scenario, that the one brief pregnancy I experienced was a fluke and it will never happen again.

Because then what? After this appointment, after the blood and semen and whatnot is tested, then what?

This just was not supposed to happen like this. I mean, I don't really know why I'm so fucking surprised that, once again, nothing in my life comes easy... yet I am. I know that should that day come when I get to be called Momma... this will ALL be worth it. I know that.

But what if that day never happens?

I do still have hope, I really really do... I just... UGH!!!!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The next step

I've had several ... breakdowns lately. For the most part, I'm dealing but every so often, I just kind of lose it.

S and I have talked and we've come to a decision: If this cycle doesn't leave me with a BFP, I'm calling the doctor and scheduling an appointment for the "next step" in all of this.


I'm just too old and too tired to continue on with this month to month bullshit of trying to get pregnant when everyone else around me gets pregnant and pops out babies at the drop of a hat.

I hate who I've become since the miscarriage. I really and truly hate it. I'm too bitter, too sad, too angry. And it's not fair to anyone, especially myself. I deserve more than this. My husband deserves more than this. My family and friends do, too.

Monday, April 13, 2009


So yesterday.

I couldn’t stop crying after I got finished typing yesterday’s post. I just couldn’t stop. My dad called right in the middle of it and, thankfully, didn’t notice how stuffed up I sounded. Then S woke up and went to the bathroom and when he came out, I went up to him to say good morning and he just looked at me and my puffy eyes and I sunk into his embrace.

I really REALLY thought I was moving forward. And I told him this, too.

We hugged for several minutes and it was time for me to start making Easter lunch for us and my dad.

The crying, the thinking stopped… for a little bit, at least.

My dad ended up staying for several hours. It was a very nice visit. We talked about what his next step is in regards to whether or not he’ll be renewing his current lease another year or moving into a retirement community. It’s a part of life, I guess. And at 76 and alone, my dad is in the place in his life when he needs to start thinking about all of this – apparently. And because I’m his only child living nearby, I’m the one that has to be part of this decision.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this though.

S and I should’ve already had a child by now and we should’ve been in a house of our own and we should be asking my dad to move in with us instead of a fucking retirement community. That’s the way this was supposed to go down.

But nothing has worked out as planned. Nothing.

And while I know these must be trying times for my dad, I can’t help but wonder what happens to the folks who never have children and therefore never have grandchildren or great grandchildren. How are the later years of their lives spent?


Anyway, after lunch and time with my dad, he left to visit his sister in law and her kids and grandkids while S and I headed over to my grandmother’s house where we just missed my sister and her youngest along with their grandchild. While I would’ve enjoyed seeing them all, a part of me was glad that I didn’t have to see a little one at all yesterday. Yeah, I’m a sick fuck sometimes.

During our visit with them, there were many conversations that revolved around children. A couple times S could be hear starting a sentence with, “My kids…” I smiled but inside thought, What if we don’t have children?


On our way home, his mom called and kept us company for the remainder of the trip home. S has a car where the phone is hooked up into the speakers of the car so that he’s completely hands-free. In other words I heard the entire conversation and several times, his mom referred to S as her “baby.”

It was quite endearing and really tugged at my heart and now recalling of this brings on the tears that won’t stop.


I'm just so, so, so tired.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Sunday

With every passing holiday, I realize how much older I'm getting. Not sure if that makes sense really, but I seem to get kind of down on holidays and as pathetic as it sounds, I think it's because I'm still childless.

At least when I was living with my brother and helping him take care of his son, I had the innocence of a child to occupy my time and thoughts and energy... especially on holidays.

I used to love getting ready for holidays. For Easter, in particular, I'd go out and stock up on a couple of the kid's favorite candies and get him something cool like a new movie or something, too. I'd find a cool "basket" to hold it all and then I'd leave it out on the kitchen table or just outside his door the night before Easter after he'd go to bed. And then Easter morning we'd all wake up early and have French toast for breakfast while the booger went through all his candy and toys. And then his mom would come pick him up for the day and my brother and I would go over to my grandmother's house or spend the day with my dad.

It's been 10 years since I've done any of that. Ten years.

And that saddens me.

A lot.

I just don't find much excitement on these type of days. I mean, I realize that holidays have much deeper meanings and whatnot, but that aside, it's usually a day when family comes together (in my family at least) and it's usually a day when the kids get to shine.

And it's just hard that my kids don't get to shine because I don't have any kids.


I'm sitting here typing this out and crying. So much so that I can hardly see the screen.

I really thought things were going OK for me and this whole not-yet-getting-to-experience-being-a-mom thing. But I guess I was wrong.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Shhh I have a secret


But I'm starting to cook more in the new kitchen. Check it out HERE.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Ask, Believe, Receive?

Yesterday I talked about needing a vacation, but also needing money to start planning said vacation.

Last night, S checked his email and found one sitting there from the tax accountant. He's ready to e-file our taxes and needs us to sign the paperwork. We're getting a return. A pretty damn good one, too.

Vacation (even if it's just a long weekend away), here we come!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Some way. Some how.

So we’re all moved in and pretty much unpacked. There are still a couple of boxes in the office and some right outside of our bedroom door, but those are all S’s shit that I just don’t know what to do with. I’ve done all that I can while he’s been coughing up a lung one weekend and with a fever the next.

Now we’re ready for entertaining and I have to say I’m really looking forward to having people over again. It’s been years and I miss it. I get tired of always having to go out to everyone else’s place. So Easter will be our first time in several years – since before we got married – that we have someone over...My dad.

It’s a start, right?

I’m making lunch: Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Anise (fennel) salad.

Unfortunately we’ll be eating on a folding card table because we haven’t yet found and purchased a dining set we like. We also need a table of sorts to place next to the couch by the entry way and hallway. It’s too bare. And while I like to keep things simple and clean, a small table would be perfect to place keys and mail on when we come home.

Other than the apartment stuff that’s all I got.

I took my temp this morning – begrudgingly. I’m just not feeling the whole TTC thing. Of course I still ache for a family, but what the fuck more can I do about it?!

My skin has been looking great these days. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I was certain I had some skin disease or infection the other month.

My cycles have been 27 days on the dot the past couple. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I had that 45+ one the other month.

I don’t know. I’m super tired of so much lately. Super tired.

I think I need to start planning a vacation or something. But that entails having money. Or at least a private jet or something.


Some way, some how… right?

Oh, and before I forget! I came across an amazing description of the... agony ... behind infertility and pregnancy loss. I encourage anyone to read THIS but it will tug at your soul.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

More control?

After 10 months of grieving, I finally feel like I have control of my emotions again. And truthfully, that kind of scares me because now I'm wondering if a part of me hasn't just "accepted" that I just may never get pregnant again... that I just may never become the mom I dream of becoming.

I get sad when I think of that - never becoming a mom. I do. In fact, I sit here and type this with tears in my eyes and a heavy feeling inside. Yet, I'm also "OK" with this and it's mainly because I just don't have a choice to not be OK with it.

I'm going to be 37 this year. Yes, I know it's just a number. Yes, I know there are many women who have children well into their 40s. But I'm also obese and have high blood pressure.

And I quit coloring my hair again. ;)

Seriously, time really is not on my side and I fully understand and accept it because I just don't have another option when it comes to my age and having babies.


While the OPK's didn't detect ovulation last cycle, the thermometer did. So that is a huge relief to me because at least I *am* still ovulating - something I wasn't very sure I was doing since the surgery. I think the plan for this cycle is to temp and FWAP and pray... Pray, pray, pray that this will be our cycle and that we can welcome a baby in the new year.

If I detect ovulation this cycle and if I don't manage to get k/u, I think I'm going back to the doctor. I just cannot continue going on like this until end of July - one year since the surgery. Because even if I do go back and they start testing everything, who knows how long we have to wait after that for some answers.


S is totally on my side with this - as he should be. I think he's getting a little "tired" of the wait, too. He's getting more and more questions from his mom, from friends about when we're having kids and I think it's finally starting to wear on him, too.

A part of me wants to shout it out that YES! We ARE trying, we WERE pregnant but lost it, we WANT to become parents... but... ugh. I don't want the pity, I don't want more questions.

I just want to be a mom.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Today can be summed up in one tiny, but painful word:


I haz dem.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

What it is

Last night I told S that I was either pregnant or was going to be getting my period soon. Duh, right?

This morning I woke up, went pee, wiped and... onward we go to cycle 16.

Cycle 16.

Head, Desk, Pound.

I'm not surprised by this cycle at all so while I find this image quite amusing and appropriate, I've certainly felt much worse in the past.

It is what it is at this point. It is what it is.

Friday, March 27, 2009

My husband

He's had this awful cough now for about a week. He's tried three different cough medicines, an allergy med, and even some inhaler thing -- all over the counter, almost all recommended by a pharmacist. He went to a Minute Clinic last weekend as well and they wouldn't prescribe him anything.

Yet he keeps fucking coughing and at completely inopportune times. I love him but he's driving me fucking nuts.

Tonight, he didn't come to bed until 3AM. Not because he was coughing, but because we finally got internet access. Then when he finally crawls his ass into bed, what happens? TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF NON STOP COUGHING AND MOANING AND BODY JERKING.

Finally after I threatened to leave the room once again (had to sleep on the couch the other night, too), he asked if I could start the shower for him as it helped him the other night (you know, when I "slept" on the couch).

I don't understand it. Why the fuck wait nearly three hours before giving in and taking a shower which allowed you to sleep afterward last time?!? WTF is the purpose?

Yeah so now, 4 hours after the whole bullshit coughing fit began, he's sound fucking asleep -- no coughing whatsoever -- and I'm in here on the fucking computer, scratching my eyes because I'm so fucking tired.

He had BETTER get his ass up and to work today because I cannot handle another day of this bullshit.

"My mother would say that I have an aversion to work," he's commented more than once this past week. Um, considering the fucking apartment is littered with boxes STILL -- after you've been off work for one fully week, I'm starting to see why she would say such a thing.

Yay for spending the rest of my life with a child who's really a grown ass man.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Super quick update

Well, we moved... and we will never move without movers again. I'm pretty certain if it weren't for the movers, we'd still be moving right now. As it is, there's still so much to be done before the boxes are all cleared and we're completely settled, but that's all trivial, really.

We love the new place. It truly is incredibly perfect - for us. Odd how perfect it is, really.

I'm at work today but S isn't. He came down with some horrid bronchial thing that really put him out of commission and basically made him pretty useless. Again, praise the Lord for movers.

We still don't have cable, internet, gas, dishwasher, washer/dryer. The phone just got hooked up late yesterday. Baby steps, I guess.

And speaking of babies, a friend had one on Sunday. She wasn't due for a couple more weeks so when I got the text message TWENTY MINUTES after the little bugger was born, I was totally shocked. And happy. And I just couldn't help but smile the rest of the day.

Seems like I'm finally getting better with the news of babies being born... like I'm finally able to get past the ugly jealousy (or whatever that is) that would fill up my heart and gut. Of course it probably doesn't hurt that I've had this whole moving business to occupy my every waking hour for the past 100 hours or so. And no internet access. :) ;) :P

Friday, March 20, 2009

We have Liftoff!

Or do we?

Today = CD18. My temps since the last day of my last period have been 97.18, 97.35, 96.96, 97.12, 97.32, 97.66, 97.35, 96.85, 97.05, 97.17, 97.15 and then today's is 97.87!

But! The damn digital OPK will only give me an O reading and not a :) .


This is so ridiculously frustrating.


Fortunately I've had other things to focus on instead of just the gdamn TTC bullshit. Like the moving thing. We get the keys in just a couple hours, but found out yesterday that A) the gas won't be turned on until Monday so there will be no heat, no hot water (and that leaves me thinking back on some days after my parents split - yay); B) the washer/dryer and dishwasher won't be installed until later next week (which sucks ass because we have mountains of clothes to wash).

It certainly could be worse, that's for sure.

So today we're taking out some garbage since this morning was garbage day and the bins are finally empty again (one of the best things about moving is the purging - ahhhh!); then we're heading over to the new place to meet the realtor to get the keys to the place; then we'll measure the windows; head over to Home Depot to get a rug for the living room and one for the dining room, rods for the drapes, maybe some blinds; come back here to the apartment and grab some simple, light items to load into the car; grab more garbage to fill the bins as a thank you/parting gift to our frat partying neighbors; then plan on going back to the new place to unload some stuff and hopefully hang up some window treatments.

That's the plan, at least. Ha.

Tomorrow the movers are set to come at 12:30 but evidentally we were told to be ready as early as 8:30. Fun times.

In review of this, it's probably a good thing I didn't have a :) read on that OPK as I'm not sure when we can fit in Sexy time today or tomorrow. :/

Saturday, March 14, 2009


I abhor packing and cleaning to move.

Thank god we hired movers to come next weekend.

That is all.

Friday, March 13, 2009

About last night

I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown last night after I learned my Oma had been in a car accident... I was so caught off guard (possibly because I learned the day after it happened and via email), that I just couldn't get it out of my thoughts and I almost immediately started to cry.

And once I started to cry, I couldn't stop.
I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much I couldn't breathe.

I was going to call S but I knew he was in the car and didn't want him to be concerned because I wouldn't have been able to speak through the tears anyway. When he came home, he called me to move the car and upon saying "Hello?" immediately asked me what was wrong.
I whaled and he hung up the cell phone and immediately came up the stairs and asked me what was wrong, opened his arms and I just latched on and cried.

I just couldn't stop crying as I couldn't get the thought of losing Oma out of my head. Not last night, not today, not tomorrow.

I can't lose her. I know it's incredibly selfish, but I just cannot lose her.

Today is another day. And while I'm still quite upset about this, I realize that my ... breakdown ... was not only a result of being scared about my Oma, and realizing that she is not immortal, but it was a sign that I needed to release my feelings once and for all (yet again)...

Oh dear god will this ever get any fucking easier?!?!?!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dear Universe

Thank you for allowing S and I to find a place to live that seems so kick ass. It took us a little while, but I do think it was worth the hunt.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for giving me that to focus on during this rough month. I really appreciate it.

That said, I need to ask one more huge favor: I need to ask that my Oma be watched over and protected. I just learned she was in a car accident yesterday. Apparently the car is totaled and she is OK. But she's in her mid 80s and ... I simply cannot ... even bear the thought ... of ... something bad happening to her. :(

Please, please, please keep her safe.

My mom says Oma is just shaken up but ... I worry too much. And I love her so much. And I already miss my Ota so so so much. Please, please, please, PLEASE keep her safe. For as long as possible.




The past couple of days, today included, have been a bit overwhelming for me. Like a test of sorts.

Or something.

You know how when you're ready and willing to buy a new car and instantly there seems to be a million cars on the road similar to the one you want to buy? And all of a sudden, commercial after commercial appears on the tellie and radio regarding that car? That's how it is when you decide you want to have a baby, too. All of a sudden, there are babies and pregnant mommas everywhere.

I can honestly say the past year and a half have been like that - babies and baby bumps (and mountains) everywhere. Some days seem to be worse than others, but the past several days have been exceptionally bad.

The other night I met up with some gal pals for dinner. Not only were two (of the 8 total) pregnant, but another was a mom already. And of course, conversation came up more than once regarding pregnancy, regarding being a mom. It's a part of life after all. We sat and ate and chatted and chatted and chatted for several hours and in that time, I lost track of the number of moms and kids that came to eat. And several momma's to be, too.

I don't really know what my point is. It's just ... hard sometimes. And I hate that it's hard sometimes. It shouldn't be so hard to smile when someone talks lovingly about their gifts. It shouldn't be so hard to be happy to hear news that someone else is pregnant, that someone else just became a mom. But it is sometimes.

Yesterday I had a brief meeting with my supervisor regarding goals for the year. Before we started he asked how I was doing and if I was sleeping any better since I've had to call in late or all together on more than one occasion in the past couple months due to insomnia. I told him I was sleeping much better these days and that it seems to go in spurts. And while I talked, I watched the slide show on his computer of his life: him, his wife, his 2 boys, his 1 girl, their dog.

Then he said, "Yeah, once we had kids, I learned how to adapt to little sleep."

Good for you, I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "At least you have an excuse for not sleeping though."

I wanted to cry but held it together just fine.



I'm so fortunate that we're moving. I'm so fortunate that we've spent the past month spending all of our free time looking at apartments. I'm so fortunate to have been able to focus on something other than the thing I normally focus on... but now that the place has been chosen and all that's left is to move, I'm left thinking about too many other things again.

And that just sucks big hairy pimply hairy balls sometimes.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

March 10

Today is my due date. Well, it would've been my due date. I'm OK considering. I guess. I'm trying not to think of it, truthfully. Just trying to focus on other things like moving. Yay, can't wait to move! Ok, well, I'm not looking forward to moving per say, but I'm looking forward to living in a brand new place. :)

Something else... I think I have Dermatitis. Sigh. I was diagnosed with rosacea years ago, but now I have this gd itchiness that's invaded my skin just below my eyes. Like the area isn't sensitive enough? Grrr. I'm not happy. It's been so bothersome that the other day I had to toss out a $20 bottle of under eye cream which I loved because I applied it, like normal, and the burning that transpired was insane! I thought the skin was coming off my face or something!

Add that to the months spent with dry, flaky, redness right next to my nose and I'm a hot mess. Ok, maybe not 'hot' so much as itchy and burning!


Anyway, I haven't gone to a dermatologist or whomever yet, but I'm pretty sure Dermatitis is what I have.

And most of the treatments for these .. issues.. entail prescription drugs that are NOT wise to take when TTC, and especially when actually pregnant.


Monday, March 9, 2009

I sure hope I'm not jumping the gun here

... but we signed a lease yesterday contingent on the building owner completing the remodel and contingent on our credit check being sufficient.


We're so disgustingly excited! :) Over an apartment for crying out loud. I mean, yeah, I can sorta see being giddy over something we bought, but this is something we're just renting... Maybe it's the fact that it's an apartment building converted into brand spanking new condos. Six total and three have been bought before the market took a horrible dive and now the builder decided to just rent out the others. And we were fortunate to be one of the lucky ones to see this!

I've never in my life lived in anything new. And this place is brand new. But it has old bones. And old bones, IMO (when it comes to building structures these days), are much more sound than some new ones. And this place is so damn new, that the one we rented, still needs delivery and installation of all the brand new appliances INCLUDING IN-UNIT WASHER/DRYER!!! Ack, I'm so excited. :)

And the best part of it all - aside for both of us being closer to work (believe me when I say even 20 minutes difference in the summertime in this city makes a WORLD of difference) - is that we're only paying $50 more a month that we currently are for something much more nicer and much more ... Us.

Here's the Living room of the model unit:

See the windows? OMG, so fucking adorable! We're going to put a little table and chairs there under that light fixture and use it as our dining area! :) I cannot WAIT to finally be able to sit down at an actual table and eat my meal as opposed to on the couch!

And here's the model Kitchen:

Our unit is actually opposite of this layout and will come with all black BRAND NEW appliances as opposed to stainless steel.

I'll probably post more pictures in a couple weeks after we get the keys and move in. OMG I'm so happy. :) It's such a great building and a GREAT space.

Now all we have to do is pack up all this shit in the next two weeks. Anyone wanna earn an extra couple of dollars? ;) :D

Friday, March 6, 2009


The bleeding, the cramping is still out of control. I'm not going into work today for fear of another accident. :( If I continue to bleed through tampons today (I have Supers now!), I will call the doctor.

Today marks CD4 of my 14th cycle. I'm exactly six months away from my 37th birthday. I cried last night after I washed my face and saw the lines that have embedded themselves under my eyes. I thought it was a result of lack of sleep but I've been sleeping great the past couple nights and still the lines... Should we blessed to have a child, I have no doubt I will hear, "Go ask your grandma" on more than one occasion. Sigh. It doesn't matter though... so long as we can have a healthy child to parent, to love, to guide, to support, to adore, to kiss, to hug, to play with, to help grow...

To my child in heaven, I love you sweetheart. While we won't be meeting you soon like was planned, not a single day goes by when I don't think about you.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

March 5, 2009

So... yesterday. Ha!

Yesterday, S and I I looked at another apartment that was absolutely perfect. Good location, adorable building, fantastic space. It had "us" written all over it... except it stank like water had been sitting in there for 20 years and there was very little water pressure.

Another one bites the dust. :(

Prior to apartment hunting (we were supposed to see two places but of course the other one was rented an hour before we were to go see it), the shit sort of hit the fan with a group of friends. And by group of friends, I'm not talking a handful of college mates or something; I'm talking 55 women who've gathered from the area and created a private online forum to shoot the shit. Something we've done now for well over a year.

55 women.

Grown women.
From 20s to late 30s.
One year.
Got it?

Anyway...(I'm sure some are checking in here to see if I would post about it. Or not. Whatever, it's coolio) I wasn't going to write about it but writing out my feelings, as most of them should very well know by now, is what I do. Good or bad. Happy or sad... I write.

S told me last night- after I told him a 'shortened' version of the days events - that I have a way of keeping shit in until I explode. Yeah. I kinda do. And that's THE ONLY THING I'm sorry about. Not that anyone cares. Not that it matters.

I dunno. A part of me feels bad that things went down the way they did, but a bigger part of me is relieved. It's just too fucking hard for me to pretend to be OK with someone when I'm not. I mean, it's not that I hate *any* one or anything...
(I have little hatred - believe it or not - inside of me. Hate is just not a good emotion to carry around. It will age you and it will break you. Sometimes more than once. I've been broken due to anger, so I do know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, it's really stupid things really: one person was questioned about something pretty personal and pretty hard to talk about, and, in turn, that opened the door for that person to be talked about behind her back.


She got greatly offended, as did her minions. And now sides are asked to be taken.

While I truly can understand why someone would be incredibly hurt by the behind-the-back gossip, isn't that what happens with women? They gossip? And sometimes that gossip turns into nit-picking, utter bullshit? Isn't that what happens? Or am I totally off base here? Maybe I am! I'm not an expert. I've never been "the popular one" a day in my fucking life. And if I was, well, it's news to me!

I could give two fucking shits about what clothing is in, what car I should drive, what neighborhood I live in
(as long as the drunks keep their urine and vomit out of my path), whether or not I should color my hair, what trendy fucking restaurant I should frequent, what exotic destination I should tour. And neither should anyone else... especially someone in their 30s for fucks sake! Do what YOU want to do!

Sure it would hurt me and offend me if I found out some people were talking about me behind my back, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me and I would simply disconnect from said people. My god am I grateful I never had to deal with this fucking bullshit in my youth. I guess there really are benefits to being a loner!

I dunno.... I guess I had more to say than I thought because I feel like I'm begging my fingers to stop typing. I mean, what the fuck does any of this have to do with miscarriage and TTC and trying to move past the fact that my due date was supposed to be in five days?!


But here's the thing:
People are hurt. And I truly recognize and I truly, wholeheartedly feel bad about that. I don't take back anything I said - just maybe how it was said and where it was said and definitely what has transpired as a result.

Ugh. It's just... how do you tell some
one (out of a huge group of people) you don't trust them when the bottom line is that they aren't really doing anything outright to break your trust? How do you tell them that you find some of their stories to be a bit too dramatic and too far fetched? I mean, who the fuck am I to say that to someone? So you just try to ignore it and them and slowly start to separate yourself from them. At least that's what I try to do.

I'm not out to hurt anyone... just like they aren't.

But it's hard when you can't completely disconnect from them and can't completely ignore it. I get it, I do. That's what I blew up too!


Anyway... I said what I said and I think that enabled me to sleep like a baby last night! Oh man, it was so glorious! Granted I was awakened at 1:30 in the morning with killer fucking cramps and had to beg my husband to heat the heating pad and bring me pain meds, but as soon as the heating pad was wrapped around me and the meds started kicking in... off to sleepy-bye I went.

Yet somehow I'm tired again today. And the lines under my eyes?!? Oy vey! Not pretty. My age is finally catching up with me and starting to show... joyous!

I caught up with a shit load of work today and that felt really good, too.

But I had a big problem with my period.

*** TMI ahead TMI ahead TMI ahead ***

I bled like I haven't bled ever. And I know I say this every cycle but this was different. This had me in tears from fear. This had me *this close* to calling the doctor or going to the hospital.

The blood wouldn't stop coming. It was so heavy that when I went to the bathroom an hour after I got into work, two hours after inserting a tampon, the tampon came out as soon as I sat on the pot! I was flipping out. There was blood all over the front of my panties and onto my pants!!!! Thank GOD I was wearing black pants!! OMG the blood wouldn't stop coming. The discharge!! Fuck me! I've never seen anything like it and it made me wonder if I was miscarrying or something! I mean the cramps were atrocious, too, but nothing like that blood. I never ever want to see something like that again.

But I did - an hour later.


Yeah it's been a hellish day for me and dear Aunt Flo. The cunt.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

That little thing called Knowledge

So today we're going to talk about basal thermometers and how they truly do work. They take your exact temperature without rounding, and they're *the* tool to use when trying to track ovulation. Fuck those OPK's. Fuck tracking your CM. Take your temperature around the same waking hour every morning and you will be able to figure out when you ovulate (after the fact, unfortunately) and when/if you're about to get AF or are pregnant.

It really does work!

If you're TTC, buy TCOYF and read it and follow it and practice what's described in that book. And if you do so, you will, possibly for the first time in your life, truly know and understand your body and how it works - as far as ovulating and shit, at least.

I charted my temps for about six straight months and each month I knew when I ovulated and I knew the day before AF came. It never failed. That number always dropped pretty significantly right before AF. Then when I got pregnant, I knew I could believe my eyes and the HPT. I knew it because the next week or so when I woke and stuck that basal thermometer in my mouth and took my temp, the numbers were still high.

It was glorious, really.

But after the d&c, I stopped tracking. I put everything away and submerged myself into a pity party that nobody else was invited to. And every month thereafter, I was left wondering if that was *the* month when I would get pregnant again. And every month I didn't take my temperatures, I was blindsided when AF showed.

All because of a stupid little basal thermometer.

This past cycle was going to be different, though. This past cycle we were moving up to bigger, more expensive things: digital OPK's. And after peeing on 14 expensive sticks and never getting a smiley face, I was left feeling quite deflated.

So I found that trusty, little ol' basal thermometer and took my temperature about three days ago, then the next. And it was high (for me). Maybe I did O super early and maybe, just maybe that temp would remain high for days and weeks to come! A girl can dream, right?

The third day (yesterday) I temped, my temperature dropped pretty significantly (from 98.04 to 97.54) and I knew what was heading into town. So last night when I went pee and saw some spotting, I wasn't surprised one bit. And this morning, when the spotting become a light flow, I wasn't blindsided like I have been the past 6 months. (Though I will admit that I'm a little... peeved... that this past cycle was 27 days long when the one prior was 43 or something?!? WTF, body??! WTF?)

I'm not happy about AF, but I'm also not upset, devastated, shocked, deflated. I'm just...not pregnant.

So the lesson today is that Knowledge truly is Power and every woman wanting to really know their cycle - whether or not you're TTC or TTA - should invest a whopping $10 on a basal thermometer and take their temp every morning before they get out of bed, before they speak.

Monday, March 2, 2009

March 2009

This should've been the month welcoming our first born into the world. But it won't be happening. Instead, we'll be busy searching for a new place to hang our hat, packing, and moving. Thank GOD we'll at least be busy... if I had jack shit to do this month but think about what should be happening, I'm sure it would be just enough to put me over the edge once and for all.

I can't lie. I'm pretty sad about things again. I'm just so tired of who I've become most days. It saddens me greatly. I was finally in a place in my life where I was living life and loving it. My 30s have been the best years of my life, after all. But then I got pregnant and lost the baby and had to have her surgically removed and my life completely changed.

Now I'm just so bitter. And angry. And sad.

Meanwhile, life around me continues moving forward.

And I'm left wanting to move forward so badly - and just when I think I'm back to being Me and moving forward, I revert back to that bitter woman who can only focus on what she doesn't have.

And that just sucks. And I'm not sure how to change it.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

If you build it...

they will come.

Or something.

Maybe that will be the case for my recent knitting hobby of baby items?!? A girl can hope, no?

So I finished project #1 - The baby blanket!

It looks awful and old and holey (believe me when I say the photo makes it look a hundred times better than reality) but it's complete and it's a blanket for a baby. I'll hold onto it just as a reminder of my first big project (and because I'd be a little embarrassed to give it to someone).

I also completed project #2 - The scarf. But I did that the other week and completed in one full day of knit, knit, purl, purling. It's a gift for my cousin so I call it... the Katrina.

I'm not sure what I should call the baby blanket though. Any ideas?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Do I or don't I?

That's the burning question.


I'm on CD22 and 12 digital, expensive-as-hell OPK sticks later and still no smiley face! :(

So do I or don't I ... buy more sticks? We're already out $70 this month (they're $40 for seven fucking sticks! but we were lucky to find ONE box on sale).

My boobs hurt so I know AF is coming. I guess I could've O'd early and I'm really just k/u. But it's very doubtful.

I really am not a fan of this TTC bullshit. I just want to make that clear.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Maybe it is my fault: a rambling of thoughts

When I was a teenager (specifically), I prided myself in being different.

I absolutely hated blending in with everyone else.

I suspect that this attitude was due to the fact that I went to so many different schools and by the third high school I attended in the first two years of my high school education, it didn't matter what I did to try to make friends anyway. People just weren't accepting of a newbie. Not at the schools I attended, at least.

And I know if I tried harder... if I had the right shoes and jeans and haircut... if I had the expensive car, I could've probably managed to fit in more. But I was tired of trying so hard only to get laughed at and talked about. And there was no way I could afford to fit in anyway. Not at the schools I attended.

So rather than try to fit in, I was able to figure out who I was sooner than a lot of other people. As a 36-year-old, I firmly believe this.

I'm not saying I didn't have my gazillion moments of insecurities; but I was basically forced to figure out who I was and accept who I was because if I didn't, nobody else was going to for me and I may as well have just killed myself.

But I couldn't do that. I had some hope (thank you Bryan Adams) and I was an Aunt (by 13) and I took my Aunthood very serious. I refused to let down my kids.

By senior year of high school, I was OK with who I was and the fact that I didn't fit in. I hated the school I was attending and the kids that were in the area. They looked the same, they all liked the same things, ate the same things, went to the same places. It was like living in some sort of really bad television show.

In my 20s, socializing was easier and while I didn't necessarily fit in and match every other 20-something-year old (never went away to school and did the whole sorority thing, never went clubbing, never went on Spring Break, etc), it didn't matter as much. I didn't feel as different in my 20s like I did in my teens, but I also didn't feel like I was being anything other than myself.

Now in my 30s, none of that really matters. At least to me it doesn't. By the time you hit your 30s, I think most people evolve quite a bit, which is probably why many end up married and with families. They have nothing to really prove anymore, they are who they are and they're living life the way they want to.

Or something. Ha.

I don't know what I'm getting at other than for the first time in my life since I was a pre-teen, I've never wanted to feel more "normal".

I want to be the cliche 36-year-old woman who's running ragged trying to keep up with her kids, her house, her job, her husband. I want to have wrinkles invading my face and sleep invading my eyes because I'm exhausted from keeping up with it all. I want to have to get up at the crack ass of dawn to make sure everyone is ready to go: lunches packed, breakfast on the table, kids clean and dressed. I want to go to PTA meetings and help my kids tie their shoes, read and write. I want to have a preteen or early teenager and have to deal with their annoying hormonal attitudes. I just want to be a normal 36-year-old and I hate feeling like I'm 10, if not 15 years behind everyone else.
Did I do this to myself? Did I try so hard to be different when I was younger that it became who I am and always will be?


I know a lot of this is my own fault. I didn't start really living life until about 10 years ago. Instead, I waited for things to happen to me instead of making them happen for me. So yeah, I guess I did do this to myself.

Fuck me sideways, my poor kid (won't even put an 's' in parentheses next to 'kid' because I'll be so fucking lucky with one healthy child at this point in my fucking life), should I be blessed to have one, will have a grandmother for a Mom. :(

I really really hate that time moves so fucking fast sometimes.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

So am I normal or what?

Yeah so here's a new article on the Mysteries of Miscarriage: Article.

According to this article, the reason I 'most likely' may have miscarried was because I'm A) fat and B) of advanced maternal age. Because I certainly avoided everything else in that article and have been taking prenatals for almost two years now! But then again, the end of the article also claims that I'm 'normal'.

So which is it? Hmph!

Still no smiley on the OPK. Apparently the Mr. is wanting a baby more these days. Or something. Not only did he buy the OPK's this time, but he also made the comment that the best way to 'do this' might be to have The Sex every other day.

It's only been 13 months. I swear he's not mentally challenged normally.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My god.

I'm not sure what I was doing yesterday writing about my busy week and forgetting the single most important factor of the entire week, month, year so far... BRYAN ADAMS IS COMING! :)

And this time, it's all him, all acoustic. Holy mother of god am I excited!

I got tickets already but there was some drama involved, of course. There was a presale but, as you can see from the image, there was also an auction... and the auction was for 2 front row tickets and a meet and great with Bryan himself. Ack, makes me wanna vomit thinking about it!

Well, when I went to see about the presale/auction, I noticed that the auction started at $170 per ticket and you had to bid on a min/max of 2 tickets. It's a once in a lifetime thing (sort of) so I thought what the fuck, why not? But then I saw that the auction wasn't ending until the 23rd! Well, WTF?! I can't really go more than $200 a ticket - and even that is ridiculous IMO. So I decided to wait for Saturday for when the regular tickets would go on sale since the auction was the only option available.

But then my friend emailed me to let me know that tickets were on sale and we went back and forth about the auction and Fuck Me Sideways! the regular tickets were also on presale in addition to the Auction! So an hour and a half after the Presale began, I finally got my tickets: Row K on the main floor. They're good seats, but what would I have gotten had the fucking Ticketmaster thingie displayed that there was still a presale for regular seats available in addition to the Auction?! Grrrr.

I'm still happy, don't get me wrong... just a little ticked off that I couldn't get better seats when I had every intention of doing so.

So will all this Bryan Adams nonsense ever dissipate from my life? Or will I love and adore this man until one of us dies? It's a question I've thought about for about 20 years now, insanely enough. I know I've talked about my obsession with the man before... and it stems from him saving my life. For real. No joke. Pathetic maybe, yes; but not a joke. That's where my obsession and love for him stems from... it's not that I lust over his body or something because I don't. He's just ... I just am very grateful to be a fan of someone who loves what he does so much that he keeps doing it regardless.

Doesn't everyone have a Bryan Adams of sorts in their life? Maybe it's in the form of a movie or a book or a piece of art? Or maybe I'm just fucking batshitcrazy.

The condo we looked at yesterday was pretty OK. I really liked that every single room had a window or two. I liked the location a lot. There were a couple things I didn't care for - the bedrooms still had old carpeting, the layout wouldn't be so fun for the cats, the laundry is all the way in the basement (it was a top floor unit). But the things I liked about it trumps the things I disliked... but Stephen's not entirely on the same page. We'll keep looking, of course, but hot damn is this not very easy.

I peed on a digital OPK and didn't get a smiley yet.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day

It's been a pretty busy week and when I'm busy, I'm not as occupied with the fact that I should be 8 months pregnant and expecting a baby at any time now - but am not any longer. This is a good thing because I'm quite sure that when the end of this month and early next month rolls around, I will be singing a different tune... one that I'm not very much looking forward to.

Maybe I can avoid it by keeping busy through the next couple of months. Here's to hoping, eh?

So this week was spent looking for a new home (apartment, townhouse, house, loft). There are gobs of listings, of course, but we have certain criteria, of course, that must be met before we even look at a place: minimum 2 bedrooms, central a/c, off-street parking, cats allowed. I've been spending a great portion of the week sifting through ads, contacting people to inquire about a/c and parking (mainly), and keeping track of it all.

We saw two places last Friday and both were in the same development. Think the Edward Scissorhands neighborhood... or the opening of Weeds when they show the neighborhood. Every single home looks identical.

Honestly, aside from the fact that one of the townhouses was in awful condition and the other was stark white and laid out oddly, there's no way we'd rent because it would take forever to figure out which 'home' was ours! It was quite crazy, to be blunt. It was like a subdivision of 10 streets and off of those 10 streets were rows jutting in and out of the street. And on those rows were about 10 buildings containing 4 single space garages that were completely attached and 4 homes. It was fucking weird, I say! If you didn't live there, you had to park on the street and the street had no parking on it because it was full of cars already. And even if you found a parking spot, you'd have to be a mad scientist to figure out which 'house' was the one you needed to visit.

It was pretty disappointing, but whatever.

Our next "adventure" was visiting yet another townhouse in the city. This place had it all - 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, 2 car attached garage, 4 levels, awesome kitchen, washer/dryer in unit (wooooo!). And the location was absolutely spot on for us as it was located near the expressway I hop on to get to/from work and the one Stephen takes as well. It would cut our current commute down by at least a half hour!

We were pretty damn excited to be seeing the place and almost as soon as the tour began, we were wishing it would be over.

I was beyond pissed by the time we left the house.

How on earth can people show a home in such a nasty fucking condition? It completely infuriates me. The floors were filthy, the kitchen sink was atrocious and looked as if it hadn't been cleaned once in the six years it had been there, the cabinet next to the fridge had mold in it, the fridge wreaked like.. I don't even want to guess, the stairway's carpeting was completely filthy, the walls were not painted and had marks and gashes in them, the 2 smaller bedrooms were filthy and not freshly painted, the bathroom tubs had mold on the edges... I was livid by the time we left.


It was the perfect location, the perfect size; it was warm and quiet even though it was on a busy street; it had an attached garage, washer/dryer... but it was filthy.


So now we're back at square one. We have another appointment this afternoon to view a place with 1 car attached garage. It's more apartment-like than house, but it *looks* much cleaner. And so help me if I walk in and it's filthy again, I don't think I can hold my tongue!

After today's tour, we have to go to my condo and make sure it's ready for the new tenant. I'm happy we found someone (finally- after almost two fucking years) but I'm sad because it's *my* condo and by renting it out, it's like releasing my independancy - or something.

I love being married and being with my man all the time... but I worked my ass off to get that condo - and I did it all by myself.

Not only that but by renting it out, that means we have to do this searching for a place for us because I *refuse* to continue to live in the hole we're currently living in. (The condo is a 1 bedroom before you ask why we're not living there.)

So that's what's going on with me and why I haven't been posting.

And in TTC-related bullshit...

I sent Stephen out to get some OPK's. Clearblue Easy Digital ones, to be exact. The ones with the smiley face. The ones that tell you, one way or another, whether or not it's time to get your groove on. No more taking things easy. Screw that. We're on cycle 13, gdammit. That means it's time to FWAP (fuck with a purpose)!

Anyway, I've sent him a couple links to good offers on these as they can be quite damn pricey, but he kept forgetting to order them so I finally told him to just go get them at Walgreens or CVS. So he did. Last night.

And that leads to something that cracked my shit up: He went to a CVS first and the CBE digitals were on sale and therefore there were none on the shelf. So then we drove over to Walgreens and found that they were on sale there, too. Fortunately he found that there was ONE box left in the back. So he grabs it and goes to check out and the cashier says, "Uh oh, what did you do?"

Stephen says, "It's not what you think," and points out that it's and ovulation package and not pregnancy tests. "I haven't done anything yet," he adds.

"Oh," the cashier says, "it's just that every other guy has come in here buying cards, chocolates, and teddy bears and you're buying those."

Ooopsie. I kind of forgot that I was sending him out there the day before Valentine's day. Ha! He's such a trooper.

So here's to FWAP in the hopes of giving my trooper husband a baby for his birthday in November.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Focusing elsewhere

It truly never ceases to amaze me how much more...human I feel once AF arrives. Honest to god the two or three week buildup to her arrival is insane -- emotionally, physically, everything. I hate who I become and I'm so tired of it.

Anyway, I'm on CD4 of my 13th cycle TTC. This should actually be cycle 14 but because AF decided to skip town in January for some reason, here we are at 13. As of today, right now, I'm feeling great about things. We're going to be getting digital OPK's -- the ones with the smiley face -- and a new basal thermometer. And we're going to FWAP (fuck with a purpose) once that smiley shows up! We're going to make a baby, dammit! One for Stephen's birthday in November! That's it! I've decided. It's happening this cycle! It just has to.

I think another reason I'm feeling great today is that I've got something to focus on other than baby making... I've taken up knitting and we're moving at the end of next month.

It took me a while to get the hang of the knitting but now that I feel more comfortable with it, I'm having a hard time putting it down! So I decided to embark upon the task of making a baby blanket. I've got one nephew due to arrive in early July and another great-nephew or great-niece (I'm not going to even comment how it is that everyone else can seem to pop out babies around me) due in early September. This first blanket is for the nephew and it calls for 116 stitches across and 160 rows! When complete it should measure 32x36.

There's nothing real fancy about it - just regular knitting and some purling.

Here's the first 10 rows, regular knit:

And the next 10 rows with purling and regular knitting:

Eeek! I can't believe I've done so much of it... here's the next 10 rows (30 total):

I've still got quite a ways to go, but I'm so happy with the progress of it so far... even though there are a couple holes (you can see one of them in this pic near the bottom, near right side) which I'm hoping my mom can somehow fix. And even if she can't fix, I'm not giving up. I'm going to finish it if it's the only knitting I ever do (which I don't think it will be because I find it very enjoyable and relaxing).

So aside from the knitting, we're also moving at the end of next month.


I hate moving. I mean, I don't really know anyone who likes it but .. ugh. The only thing I "like" about it is that it's a great opportunity to purge a lot of shit and a great way to start over fresh and sparkling clean. Plus, this move is a bit different than past moves because it will be our first place that we both pick out together.

Still, I hate moving... looking at enough places, finding the one we both agree on, coming up with the money for deposit, packing (ugh!), physically moving (double ugh!). Gross.

But at least all of this is keeping me away from all the baby boards and stuff.

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