Saturday, May 30, 2009

quick update

We're heading over to my darling grandmother's today to celebrate her 85th birthday. I love this woman with my entire heart and entire being. I ache when I think of losing her but I know that nobody is immortal.

If things would've panned out the way they were supposed to, we'd be bringing our almost 3-month old baby along. Is it morbid that I think like that? Maybe so but it's what I feel. And that makes me sad because I NEED a picture of my grandmother with my child. This HAS to happen. I'm not naive enough to believe that my child will get to know my grandmother because, well, there is no child and my grandmother is 85. But a picture?? If I could just get a picture of them, then I can keep her alive in stories... Ack, and now I'm crying. So stupid!

Anyway, tomorrow S and I leave for a mini vacation. We're only driving a couple hours north and staying there for a couple days before coming home on Wednesday. Our 2 year wedding anniversary is Monday so we're going to celebrate that... I wonder if we'd still be going if we had an almost 3 month old on our hands. Probably. Our life will be even more enriched, after all, once we have a little family. That's what I believe, at least.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm doing it. I'm taking a break from here and blogging [removed] instead. This blog will remain public, but the other one is not... [removed]


Wednesday, May 13, 2009


One of the main reasons I know that I'm ready to be a mom is because of my nephews and nieces, but specifically because of my one nephew, Joey.

Joey just turned 17 on May 1st.

When he was 4 his parents (my brother is his father) got divorced. Joey cried when his mom left the house but mainly because she and his big sister were crying. My brother threw everything he had into Joey and his big sister. Everything. After a couple months passed, the siblings were spending a weekend with their mom and Joey came home but his big sister stayed with the mom. Joey was barely 5 then and he couldn't understand why he couldn't be with his sister and his mom. He cried and cried on more than one occasion over this. It was rather... disgusting, to be blunt.

Anyway, I moved in with my brother to help take care of Joey and his big sister until his big sister left. Then I just helped take care of Joey. And it was my absolute honor to be a part of his everyday life.

I was there for so many of his firsts, even teaching him a couple of his firsts... like tying his shoes and helping him read. It was an absolute joy.

But after about four years, I had to make the leap onto my own in the hopes that I could find someone to settle down with and hopefully start a family of my own. I wanted "a Joey" who would rely on me to nurture, love, teach him while he called me Mom instead of Auntie. I felt that I had so much love inside that I needed to share and I wanted to share it with a child.

Soooooo Joey just turned 17, like I said, and while we don't have every day contact like we did until about a year after I moved out, I still (and always will) hold a very dear piece of my heart for him and I like to think that I've done my job (and still continue to as well) as far as letting him know that I unconditionally love him, that I am always here for him, that I want nothing but the best for him, that I believe that he can do anything he put his mind to, that I know that he is a good human being and can make a positive impact in this world.

That said, I was quite distraught when I received a text message from him yesterday telling me that neither his "douche bag father" nor his grandfather had the "courtesy" to even send him a birthday card. Aside from me, he heard from not one person from this side of the family and he's very upset and hurt.

I know he texted me because he probably would've cried if he called me.

And my heart broke when I read the text and my blood started to boil and I started to cry.

See, Joey hit his adolescent years and started to rebel against his strict father - so much so that his father allowed Joey to move in with his mom... the first time since he was 4. That was just before Joey turned 13, about 4 years ago. And since then, my brother/Joey's father basically shut Joey out. He went from living and breathing for the boy to absolutely having nothing to do with him because Joey was rebelling and wouldn't listen and was getting in trouble. The horror!

Well, now my brother is expecting another child in just a month or so... another boy.

Isn't that awesome? Isn't it great that he gets to have another child when the first one he had sits thinking his father wants nothing to do with him because he can't even acknowledge him on his birthday?

Yeah, right!

It absolutely repulses me the way some people are granted the gift of a child and what they do with that gift, while others would do anything for that gift and treat it as such - a gift from God.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

Here it is - May 10, 2009 - Mother's Day.

Today is the day when most people will spend at least a portion of the day thinking of Mom. Some who still have Mom around may even pick up the phone and call her, while others who live nearby may even spend some time with Mom today. I'm sure restaurants will be quite busy today - breakfast, lunch, brunch, and dinner. And I'm sure there will be a Mom at nearly every table.

Today is the day when flower shops make a killing. Spring is in the air and it's Mother's Day. What better way to let Mom know you're thinking of her than to send or bring her some pretty flowers?

And then there's the cards... the aisle of cards made especially for today, Mother's Day.

I love my Mom but it's taken me a while to get to the place where I can accept her for who she is now and not who she was back when I really needed her the most, back when her role of Mom was extremely important. That said, I've never been a huge fan of Mother's Day. I didn't feel that my Mom really deserved a special day just for her. But I always honored her on this day regardless because, well, she did give birth to me and she is my Mom.

Anyway, I told my darling husband that I really needed him to acknowledge me this Mother's Day. I am a mother to a baby in heaven after all! I know most of the world doesn't see it that way - because I lost baby so early on in my pregnancy. But I don't care about most of the world and what they think.

In the 22 years that I've been an aunt, I've only received ONE Mother's Day card directed to "Aunt". ONE. It's a shame, really... the way women who've done everything a Mom does except birth a child can be disregarded on a day like today. It's sad, really. It doesn't take much to say three little words to someone, after all.

"Happy Mother's Day"

So whether you birthed a child or just nurtured a child; whether you were pregnant and suffered an early loss or lost late in the pregnancy; whether you're a pet owner or a babysitter...


Monday, May 4, 2009

Stinkin' Cute!

I finished a couple projects I've been working on and thought why not document here?

Behold the baby blanket for my nephew coming early July...

It turned out OK. There's no holes like the first one I made, but I screwed up on one end... like my mom said, though, Nobody but God is perfect. So I'm sending it soon to where my nephew to be will be born.

And then there's my favorite project since taking up knitting... baby leg warmies!

Oh my are these stinkin' cute and stinkin' easy! I did a pair in one weekend and now that I know how to do them, I don't think it should take more than a day to do... I'm not sure what I'll be doing with these shown as they are yellow and I don't see my nephew or great-nephew sporting these so I'll have to save for my phantom baby - or maybe till someone has a girl.

I'm thinking of making these in "team sport colors" in the hopes that some of the moms to the boys will put them on their little ones little legs... I know I would! Soooo stinkin' cute!

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