Monday, July 27, 2009

A part of who I am now

As much as I'm trying to move on, to avoid this blog, to avoid thinking about what happened a year ago... I just can't.

I can't forget it, I can't ignore it.

It's a part of who I am now.

And as much as I want that to change... or vanish... or at least subside even a little, I've pretty much come to terms that it never will.

Because it's a part of who I am now.

I'm talking about the miscarriage I suffered one year ago. I'm talking about the best AND worst month of my life - July 2008.

I've had some really good moments this month in this year - most things I haven't touched on yet here at this blog. I've been wanting to share some thoughts here, but I just couldn't. Not yet. Not now. Not until July 30th comes and goes, at least.


It's just an odd month for me... and an even harder week.

This was the month when I got pregnant, this was the month my life was taking a change, this was the month when all my hopes and dreams got crushed, too. All in one month in one year of my life.

Like I said, an odd month.

It's just hard not to reflect this time around. Maybe next year will be easier - and hopefully years to follow, too.

But I don't think I can ever forget this month in 2008.

It's just a part of who I am now.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

One year ago yesterday, today

4th of July, 2009

So one year ago yesterday, I got my first ever BFP. I can remember it like it was yesterday... I was SO incredibly happy and excited, and looking back, a little naive, too.

No, actually I don't think naive is the right word. More like innocent. I just didn't think I'd fall into the category of miscarrying.

I told S yesterday that one year ago I got my BFP and he didn't really say much. I sat in silence for several minutes just thinking about the past year and about what could've been and said, "We would've had a 4-month old if it all worked out."

He kept playing his video game.

"Have you ever thought of that?"

"No," he said calmly.

How sad, I thought. I mean, I guess I understand because while he would've been the daddy, he didn't have to suffer the physical ramifications of having a pregnancy end so early... he didn't have to suffer the knife-like cramping for months to follow as a reminder that there was once life forming inside and then was sucked out due to no more growth. I guess I can understand that he can let it go so easily - as can everyone else.

I guess it's just different for the women that have to carry the burden, the pain, the torment of knowing there was once the start of a what could have been an amazing life and then, boom, it's over. All inside of you. It's like it belongs to you and only you... and because the world is so fucking hush-hush about it all, who else is going to carry that pain?! Hell, who else is even going to empathize with you?!?

... ... ...

One year ago today, we were so excited and so giddy and so ... everything. We went to Walgreens one year ago today, to pick up some random stuff for the weekend, including a digital test. I would wait until tomorrow (did I mention I remember this like it was yesterday) to take the digital test with the first morning's urine. At like 4 or 5AM I'd get up (tomorrow - a year ago) and pee in a cup and go back to sleep... only there was no sleeping, just tossing and turning with a grin on my face and romantic day dreams of living happily ever after in my head. After an hour or so, I'd get up and go back in the bathroom, unwrap the digital test, dip it in the pee for 15 excrutiatingly long seconds, cap the pee end, place it on the edge of the tub and wait. I'd close my eyes and continue my romantic day dreams, telling myself not to peek. And then, after what seemed like an hour but was really only a couple minutes, I opened my eyes, told myself not to get upset if it wasn't positive like the Dollar Store tests were two days prior, and glanced down at the digital test whilst holding my breath.

PREGNANT it read.


I remember looking into the mirror after reading PREGNANT for a third time, smiling, and then crying. I was finally going to become a mom.
... ... ...

No point in reliving the entire moment. That's enough for now. You can read all about it by clicking on the link at the beginning of this post if that's something you want to do. I'm done reliving it. It's really time for me to let this all go... I really need to move on.

I won't ever forget this happened. I won't ever forget that I became close to becoming a mom in 2009, but... I just need to move forward. It's beyond time.

I love you, my angel.

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