Some way. Some how.

So we’re all moved in and pretty much unpacked. There are still a couple of boxes in the office and some right outside of our bedroom door, but those are all S’s shit that I just don’t know what to do with. I’ve done all that I can while he’s been coughing up a lung one weekend and with a fever the next.

Now we’re ready for entertaining and I have to say I’m really looking forward to having people over again. It’s been years and I miss it. I get tired of always having to go out to everyone else’s place. So Easter will be our first time in several years – since before we got married – that we have someone over...My dad.

It’s a start, right?

I’m making lunch: Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Anise (fennel) salad.

Unfortunately we’ll be eating on a folding card table because we haven’t yet found and purchased a dining set we like. We also need a table of sorts to place next to the couch by the entry way and hallway. It’s too bare. And while I like to keep things simple and clean, a small table would be perfect to place keys and mail on when we come home.

Other than the apartment stuff that’s all I got.

I took my temp this morning – begrudgingly. I’m just not feeling the whole TTC thing. Of course I still ache for a family, but what the fuck more can I do about it?!

My skin has been looking great these days. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I was certain I had some skin disease or infection the other month.

My cycles have been 27 days on the dot the past couple. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I had that 45+ one the other month.

I don’t know. I’m super tired of so much lately. Super tired.

I think I need to start planning a vacation or something. But that entails having money. Or at least a private jet or something.

Sigh.

Some way, some how… right?

Oh, and before I forget! I came across an amazing description of the... agony ... behind infertility and pregnancy loss. I encourage anyone to read THIS but it will tug at your soul.

More control?

After 10 months of grieving, I finally feel like I have control of my emotions again. And truthfully, that kind of scares me because now I'm wondering if a part of me hasn't just "accepted" that I just may never get pregnant again... that I just may never become the mom I dream of becoming.

I get sad when I think of that - never becoming a mom. I do. In fact, I sit here and type this with tears in my eyes and a heavy feeling inside. Yet, I'm also "OK" with this and it's mainly because I just don't have a choice to not be OK with it.

I'm going to be 37 this year. Yes, I know it's just a number. Yes, I know there are many women who have children well into their 40s. But I'm also obese and have high blood pressure.

And I quit coloring my hair again. ;)

Seriously, time really is not on my side and I fully understand and accept it because I just don't have another option when it comes to my age and having babies.

Sigh.

While the OPK's didn't detect ovulation last cycle, the thermometer did. So that is a huge relief to me because at least I *am* still ovulating - something I wasn't very sure I was doing since the surgery. I think the plan for this cycle is to temp and FWAP and pray... Pray, pray, pray that this will be our cycle and that we can welcome a baby in the new year.

If I detect ovulation this cycle and if I don't manage to get k/u, I think I'm going back to the doctor. I just cannot continue going on like this until end of July - one year since the surgery. Because even if I do go back and they start testing everything, who knows how long we have to wait after that for some answers.

Blech.

S is totally on my side with this - as he should be. I think he's getting a little "tired" of the wait, too. He's getting more and more questions from his mom, from friends about when we're having kids and I think it's finally starting to wear on him, too.

A part of me wants to shout it out that YES! We ARE trying, we WERE pregnant but lost it, we WANT to become parents... but... ugh. I don't want the pity, I don't want more questions.

I just want to be a mom.

What it is

Last night I told S that I was either pregnant or was going to be getting my period soon. Duh, right?

This morning I woke up, went pee, wiped and... onward we go to cycle 16.

Cycle 16.

Head, Desk, Pound.



I'm not surprised by this cycle at all so while I find this image quite amusing and appropriate, I've certainly felt much worse in the past.

It is what it is at this point. It is what it is.