Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Sunday

With every passing holiday, I realize how much older I'm getting. Not sure if that makes sense really, but I seem to get kind of down on holidays and as pathetic as it sounds, I think it's because I'm still childless.

At least when I was living with my brother and helping him take care of his son, I had the innocence of a child to occupy my time and thoughts and energy... especially on holidays.

I used to love getting ready for holidays. For Easter, in particular, I'd go out and stock up on a couple of the kid's favorite candies and get him something cool like a new movie or something, too. I'd find a cool "basket" to hold it all and then I'd leave it out on the kitchen table or just outside his door the night before Easter after he'd go to bed. And then Easter morning we'd all wake up early and have French toast for breakfast while the booger went through all his candy and toys. And then his mom would come pick him up for the day and my brother and I would go over to my grandmother's house or spend the day with my dad.

It's been 10 years since I've done any of that. Ten years.

And that saddens me.

A lot.

I just don't find much excitement on these type of days. I mean, I realize that holidays have much deeper meanings and whatnot, but that aside, it's usually a day when family comes together (in my family at least) and it's usually a day when the kids get to shine.

And it's just hard that my kids don't get to shine because I don't have any kids.


I'm sitting here typing this out and crying. So much so that I can hardly see the screen.

I really thought things were going OK for me and this whole not-yet-getting-to-experience-being-a-mom thing. But I guess I was wrong.


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