More control?

After 10 months of grieving, I finally feel like I have control of my emotions again. And truthfully, that kind of scares me because now I'm wondering if a part of me hasn't just "accepted" that I just may never get pregnant again... that I just may never become the mom I dream of becoming.

I get sad when I think of that - never becoming a mom. I do. In fact, I sit here and type this with tears in my eyes and a heavy feeling inside. Yet, I'm also "OK" with this and it's mainly because I just don't have a choice to not be OK with it.

I'm going to be 37 this year. Yes, I know it's just a number. Yes, I know there are many women who have children well into their 40s. But I'm also obese and have high blood pressure.

And I quit coloring my hair again. ;)

Seriously, time really is not on my side and I fully understand and accept it because I just don't have another option when it comes to my age and having babies.

Sigh.

While the OPK's didn't detect ovulation last cycle, the thermometer did. So that is a huge relief to me because at least I *am* still ovulating - something I wasn't very sure I was doing since the surgery. I think the plan for this cycle is to temp and FWAP and pray... Pray, pray, pray that this will be our cycle and that we can welcome a baby in the new year.

If I detect ovulation this cycle and if I don't manage to get k/u, I think I'm going back to the doctor. I just cannot continue going on like this until end of July - one year since the surgery. Because even if I do go back and they start testing everything, who knows how long we have to wait after that for some answers.

Blech.

S is totally on my side with this - as he should be. I think he's getting a little "tired" of the wait, too. He's getting more and more questions from his mom, from friends about when we're having kids and I think it's finally starting to wear on him, too.

A part of me wants to shout it out that YES! We ARE trying, we WERE pregnant but lost it, we WANT to become parents... but... ugh. I don't want the pity, I don't want more questions.

I just want to be a mom.

About yesterday

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I kind of figured it would be a little rough at times, but it just sucks nonetheless. It was my great-niece's 2nd birthday, and my niece (mom of great-niece) and her mom and step-dad threw a big party for the little Princess Rugrat. :)


At first, I was just really enjoying seeing my little Great-niece and marveling over how much she has learned and how much she absorbs throughout the day. She's an angel, that one, and my niece has no clue how lucky she is.

I remember when my niece was her daughter's age and she was nothing like her in that this little girl is such an incredibly well behaved child. She says Thank You without being coached, she does what is asked of her without throwing a tantrum, and she's just a joy to be around. Not that my niece wasn't a joy to be around... she just wasn't as well-behaved as this one.


I found myself getting a bit choked up at times when I watched her be 2, but the hard part came with the questions/comments: It's your turn now... When are you two having one?... Did you hear that (my SIL) is pregnant?

I realized I spent a lot of time yesterday avoiding eye contact with both the adults and the children. How sad is that?!? I couldn't look into the eyes of the kids because they seriously would melt my heart. I would instantly ache inside and my eyes would instantly well up... so I just wouldn't look into their eyes... the eyes of the most pure innocence there is. And I found I couldn't look into the eyes of the adults because they would start talking about their kids, about being parents, or asking questions about when we would have children.

:(

And now as I type this I realize that aside from my niece's one girlfriend who is 19, my husband and I were the ONLY adults at the party that didn't have children.

Granted that's not a reason to have children - to fit in, but my god is it hard to be submerged in a party atmosphere where you - someone who wants to be a Mom more than anything - are the only non-mother in the room.

Whatever.

I can hear the Charlie Brown (Wah, wah wah wah, wah wah, wah Wah!) comments now: It'll happen... You'll be the best mom and it'll be worth the wait... Your time is coming, you'll see... Don't worry so much... You were already pregnant once so you know you'll get pregnant again.

I get it, I do. And I believe it will happen, too. It's just so fucking hard sometimes.


I got stuck sitting next to one of my aunts yesterday and she not only asked when we would be having kids, but proceeded to tell me that it would happen when I least expected it and that she wasn't even trying to have kids and she had two of them and that her daughter-in-law just suffered another miscarriage and as it turns out she had a natural miscarriage and then two weeks later had to have her other fallopian tube removed because lo and behold she was actually pregnant with twins but they didn't know (!!) and they luckily have two of her eggs frozen from when they first tried IVF and thank god they at least have their one-year old Addi in the meantime. Yes, I believe she told me all of that in one breath.

And while I simply cannot imagine what my cousin in law is going through with her surgeries and whatnot, they are at least blessed with one child already.

I don't have any children.

I am not a mom.

I am not going to be a mom anytime soon.

It's something I have to realize every fucking day of my life. And it's something I have to somehow live with and accept because who knows what tomorrow may bring? So while it may seem like I'm unable to move on, there's a reason for that: I'm still not a parent.


I tried talking to my husband again regarding all of this and regarding when we might look into other options. Personally, I don't really want to look into IVF; I'd rather just looking into adoption. But he refuses to talk to me about it. He shuts down. He tells me that it hasn't been that long and asks why we can't keep trying the old fashioned way. And I tell him that that is fine, that I want to keep trying but that I just want to know of a time when we can start looking into other options... Like we go one more year and if no pregnancy by November 09, we look into IVF or adoption.

And he won't respond.

I finally had to tell him last night that while he's turning 33, I'm 36 already and while that's only 3.5 years difference between us, it's a huge difference when it comes to parenting, in my opinion. If I was 33, I would probably say let's keep trying until 35. But I have NO DESIRE to keep trying until I'm 38! I do NOT want to be giving birth at 40. Why can't he respect that?!?!

And, more importantly, why can't he at least give me SOMETHING? At least tell me if you would want to look into IVF, Adoption, or Nothing. Give me something to look forward to because this taking things day by day is fucking killing me!

Blech.

Yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day for me, but I've certainly had worse. I just have to remember that I am blessed in so many other ways because I truly truly am. Life really is pretty damn good most days.

Adoption

When I was younger and old enough to start thinking about being a parent one day, I originally didn't want to become one. I thought that there was no way I could bring a child into this world only for him to feel what I felt growing up. But as time progressed and nephews and nieces were brought into my world, I began to truly appreciate the gift that a child really is and I began to think about my future as a Mom. Some days I would want it more than others and as the years progressed even more, the yearning turned more into a definite need.

I need to be a Mom.

That need led me to start thinking about Adoption. And for years now I always thought that I would definitely consider adopting should I not be able to have a child of my own.

But why do I have to wait to "make sure" that there's no hope for birthing a child from own womb? Why do all the websites I visit talk about people deciding to adopt because they're infertile? I realize that many people do choose adoption as a last straw, but why?

I don't want to wait anymore. I'm tired of waiting. I don't want to go through another miscarriage and another surgery. I don't want to get pregnant again only to find out some horrific news. I don't want to go months and months and months without getting pregnant before they start testing or whatever they're going to do. I don't want to endure all that infertile shit.

If I can have a child biologically – fantastic; but why do I have to ensure that I cannot have a biological child before considering adoption? Why can't we just adopt now and play the rest by ear?

Financially, it's not a good idea. We're not poor, but I really do not think we could afford two children right now. Not at the same time. I mean if we had to, of course we'd figure something out - but it wouldn't be easy. But what the hell in life is?

So I've been throwing around Adoption to S lately and he's not too keen on the idea, I don't think.

I remember when we first started dating; we had "the talk" about wanting children, etc. I felt like my clock was ticking extremely fast back then and didn't want to beat around the bush. Fortunately we were both on the same page with both agreeing to want to have children. I also remember a talk about adoption back then, too. And I distinctly remember him saying that he didn't think he wanted to go that route, that he really wanted to have a child of "his own" and if it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be.

But, of course, I didn’t think having a child would be a difficult process – especially when every single woman in my family has had multiple children. Yet here we are 8 1/2 years later and we still don't have a child (though we’ve only been really trying for nine months). And here I am at 36, having gotten pregnant but also having to have a D&C.

If there's one thing I've learned from my recent ... shit ... it’s that I just want to be a Mom. It truly does not matter to me whether or not that child comes from my womb or not. I just want to be a Mom.

And that's what I told S the other day when I brought up the Adoption subject.

Of course, he wants to keep trying the old fashioned way and insists that I’ll get pregnant again soon and that everything will work out fine… and while a part of me is sure he’s right, a bigger part of me still wants to adopt and say FUCK IT to the baby making process. There are so many babies out there that need a home and are in desperate need for a parent right now! And I desperately want to be a parent yet here I sit waiting and waiting and waiting for my time to come.

I know it’s still early. I just had the surgery a month and a half ago. Chances are pretty good (I believe) that I will get pregnant again and then I’m sure everything will be perfect and I’ll have a baby and I’ll become a mom and live happily ever after…

But until then, I’m still going to keep my eye on adoption. It can’t hurt, right? Well, not anymore than not being a mom hurts.

Yep, I’m gonna keep my eyes on blogs like these - http://theygrowinyourheart.wordpress.com/ and http://apathoftheheart.blogspot.com/ - and try to better understand the whole process of adoption… just in case. And from what I can tell, it seems like there’s more African American newborns available here in the US – and at a “cheaper” expense. And since we’re an interracial couple, maybe our chance to adopt quicker is greater than others?!

I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud.

But I would love to hear any stories or advice or anything if you have any – regarding adoption. And if you’d rather not discuss in a comment, let me know and maybe we can exchange emails.