Thursday, July 31, 2008

About Yesterday

I'm in an OK mood - better than I thought I would be. I'm guessing it's because I cried so much last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then again this past Tuesday night. Through it all, I really tried to stay positive and pretty much was very excited about our appointment this past Tuesday.

But things don't always work out the way you think... no matter how positive you are in your thoughts.

It was a hard decision to make - to get the D&C (a procedure that some people do when aborting a growing fetus) but my doctor pretty much gave me a 100% guarantee that he was right and that my baby had stopped growing... and it was either do the D&C or wait until I passed her naturally.

I didn't want the D&C. I had read many stories by women who had chose to go this route after their miscarriage and always assumed should that ever happen to me (god forbid), I wouldn't go that route... But the fact of the matter was that I had to get her out of me or my body would've kept thinking I was pregnant and that's not healthy - at all.

Anyway, both my husband and I decided the D&C was the best route ... we needed to do this so that we could mourn and so that we could eventually move forward.

I won't go in to too great of detail from yesterday other than to say that the staff at the hospital treated me with such warmth and respect that I'm so incredibly grateful.

I was pretty much calm and collected until the nurse called for me to follow her and for my husband to wait until I had an IV. That's when I completely lost it to the point where I could.not.breathe.

She changed her mind and let him come with us after all. Thankfully.

The only other time I lost it was when they pushed me into the fucking operating room. I really wished they put me under prior to that, but what can you do?

Anyway, it was a long day yesterday. When we finally got home, we had no cable or internet so I napped (weeeee was that anesthesia fun!) and DH played some video game then napped with me. Then we played more video games together.

Like I stated in the last entry of my baby blog (not sure if I can continue writing in there or not just yet - though my husband tells me I should continue...), my husband promises me that we'll still get our high five (to come when we see and/or hear a heart beat).

So that's what I'm holding onto right now... knowing and believing that one day soon we'll get our high five, and we'll finally get to be parents.


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