I'm an Auntie. Again.

What's that old saying? Always a bridesmaid, never a bride? Does the same apply to Aunt-hood? Always an auntie, never a mom?

I have to say NO.


Anyway, here's my latest nephew born at the very end of Father's Day.



If you don't know the family, you'd think, What a great day for a child to be born. The only problem with this is that the father of this child has another son, 17, who he hasn't seen or spoken with or checked in on in years. But that's not this new baby's fault. It's just... unfortunate that things work out the way they do sometimes. Unfortunate and very unfair if you ask me.

Welcome to the world, smallest nephew of mine!

About yesterday

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I kind of figured it would be a little rough at times, but it just sucks nonetheless. It was my great-niece's 2nd birthday, and my niece (mom of great-niece) and her mom and step-dad threw a big party for the little Princess Rugrat. :)


At first, I was just really enjoying seeing my little Great-niece and marveling over how much she has learned and how much she absorbs throughout the day. She's an angel, that one, and my niece has no clue how lucky she is.

I remember when my niece was her daughter's age and she was nothing like her in that this little girl is such an incredibly well behaved child. She says Thank You without being coached, she does what is asked of her without throwing a tantrum, and she's just a joy to be around. Not that my niece wasn't a joy to be around... she just wasn't as well-behaved as this one.


I found myself getting a bit choked up at times when I watched her be 2, but the hard part came with the questions/comments: It's your turn now... When are you two having one?... Did you hear that (my SIL) is pregnant?

I realized I spent a lot of time yesterday avoiding eye contact with both the adults and the children. How sad is that?!? I couldn't look into the eyes of the kids because they seriously would melt my heart. I would instantly ache inside and my eyes would instantly well up... so I just wouldn't look into their eyes... the eyes of the most pure innocence there is. And I found I couldn't look into the eyes of the adults because they would start talking about their kids, about being parents, or asking questions about when we would have children.

:(

And now as I type this I realize that aside from my niece's one girlfriend who is 19, my husband and I were the ONLY adults at the party that didn't have children.

Granted that's not a reason to have children - to fit in, but my god is it hard to be submerged in a party atmosphere where you - someone who wants to be a Mom more than anything - are the only non-mother in the room.

Whatever.

I can hear the Charlie Brown (Wah, wah wah wah, wah wah, wah Wah!) comments now: It'll happen... You'll be the best mom and it'll be worth the wait... Your time is coming, you'll see... Don't worry so much... You were already pregnant once so you know you'll get pregnant again.

I get it, I do. And I believe it will happen, too. It's just so fucking hard sometimes.


I got stuck sitting next to one of my aunts yesterday and she not only asked when we would be having kids, but proceeded to tell me that it would happen when I least expected it and that she wasn't even trying to have kids and she had two of them and that her daughter-in-law just suffered another miscarriage and as it turns out she had a natural miscarriage and then two weeks later had to have her other fallopian tube removed because lo and behold she was actually pregnant with twins but they didn't know (!!) and they luckily have two of her eggs frozen from when they first tried IVF and thank god they at least have their one-year old Addi in the meantime. Yes, I believe she told me all of that in one breath.

And while I simply cannot imagine what my cousin in law is going through with her surgeries and whatnot, they are at least blessed with one child already.

I don't have any children.

I am not a mom.

I am not going to be a mom anytime soon.

It's something I have to realize every fucking day of my life. And it's something I have to somehow live with and accept because who knows what tomorrow may bring? So while it may seem like I'm unable to move on, there's a reason for that: I'm still not a parent.


I tried talking to my husband again regarding all of this and regarding when we might look into other options. Personally, I don't really want to look into IVF; I'd rather just looking into adoption. But he refuses to talk to me about it. He shuts down. He tells me that it hasn't been that long and asks why we can't keep trying the old fashioned way. And I tell him that that is fine, that I want to keep trying but that I just want to know of a time when we can start looking into other options... Like we go one more year and if no pregnancy by November 09, we look into IVF or adoption.

And he won't respond.

I finally had to tell him last night that while he's turning 33, I'm 36 already and while that's only 3.5 years difference between us, it's a huge difference when it comes to parenting, in my opinion. If I was 33, I would probably say let's keep trying until 35. But I have NO DESIRE to keep trying until I'm 38! I do NOT want to be giving birth at 40. Why can't he respect that?!?!

And, more importantly, why can't he at least give me SOMETHING? At least tell me if you would want to look into IVF, Adoption, or Nothing. Give me something to look forward to because this taking things day by day is fucking killing me!

Blech.

Yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day for me, but I've certainly had worse. I just have to remember that I am blessed in so many other ways because I truly truly am. Life really is pretty damn good most days.

My dad's 75th birthday

I've been feeling these shooting-like pains in my boobs for several days now. Maybe even a week or so. It's the same type of pains that I got before my BFP in early July. I've been trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I did tell S last night about them after he tried playing Squishy Ball with my boobs. He said that maybe we got it this time and things are working again in there.

Maybe.

I've also been feeling really ... odd lately. Like dizzy. And that, too, happened last time. But I've been feeling this... odd ... feeling for about a month so I think it has nothing to do with possibly being pregnant, but rather with stress and my blood pressure.

Oh and the fact that I can't stop eating like a 5 year old.

Poo.

In other news, I was planning to send my dad to Texas for his birthday. He'll be 75 in two and a half weeks or so. It's a big deal in my opinion; a big birthday. I wanted to do something special for him, something that could compete with his 65th and 70th birthday when we threw him surprise parties.

He won't be getting a surprise party this year, though. I refuse to be the family fucking coordinator that I've been in years past. Instead I'll worry about me and my gift to him and let the other narcissistic fuckers in the family deal with their own gifts... if they even remember it's his 75th.

Yeah so the plan was to send him to Texas because it's warm down there, which is good for his arthritis, and because my brother/his son is down there. So I coordinate the dates with my brother and we're all set to go but I didn't book the flight because of Ike. Even when I learned Ike didn't damage their home or property, I still didn't book the flight.

I must've known my dear brother would flake on me.

He emails me yesterday telling me that when Dad is down there, he (brother) can't take any time off of work because it's a new job and that I might want to look into renting him a small car so he won't be stuck inside the whole time. Um... fantastic. Cuz I can afford $350 for air plus a rental. Thanks for taking care of *something* asshat. I emailed him back and told him that I hadn't booked the flight yet and maybe I would wait until the winter holidays to send him. Brother emails back saying that that would probably be best because he and his little family are "FLAT" broke. Poor fucking baby. Maybe if your wife got off her ass and, I don't know, found a job, you wouldn't be so broke! Grrrr.

So I was pretty steamed because, like always, it boiled down to money - or lack of - with my brother, but he had to go about it in a completely assinine way. Fucker. Loser. Bastard.

I stewed for awhile yesterday over this because, like I said earlier, I really wanted to make my dad's 75th birthday special.

When I got home from work, it dawned on me that the thing he really wants is to spend time with people. He wants that all the time because he lives alone. But he's also *quite* cantankerous these days and frankly, I can't stand to be around him half the time because of it. Sad, I know - especially because I really do love and adore my father.

Anyway, I thought What the hell can we do to spend time with him, but make it something he'll really remember, something that will really stick out for him when he thinks of this 75th birthday?

I hopped online and surfed the net a bit before it hit me: JERSEY BOYS!

My dad loves old school music. Hell, he loves *anything* old school these days! So why not take him to dinner and then to go see Jersey Boys?!?

I look to see when they're in the area and lo and behold, there's a show on his actual birthday. But it's a 7:30 show, which means both S and I would have to ensure that we be able to pick up my dad by 6 to ensure we find parking, etc. Plus it's a 2 1/2 hour show and that's pretty late for a school night.

So S and I decided that we'll take the old man out for dinner to Red Lobster (because he's been talking about going for awhile now) on his actual birthday, Oct 14th and give him his ticket to the show for that weekend, and then we'll all go see a matinee of Jersey Boys that Saturday. So he'll end up seeing us twice in one week.

So $280 (fuck me, right?) later, I'm finally set with - what I hope to be - a great 75th birthday gift to my old man.

I wanted to add the whole, Are you ready to be another grandfather to the mix, but sadly, that won't be happening for his 75th birthday. I just pray it happens in his lifetime.

My birthday

So yesterday was the big day - turning yet another year older. Blech. The upper 30s aren't sitting so well with me for some reason.

Friday night was spent having dinner with some gal-pals that I've met and befriended over the past year and half. I've never been one to have a group of friends, but it was a nice experience and one I hope to encounter again.

Yesterday, my actual birthday, was spent doing absolutely nothing. Really. I didn't even shower! ;) S made homemade waffles for breakfast, homemade cheeseburgers for lunch, and then ran out for White Castle (my favs) for dinner - after baking from scratch a chocolate pudding cake! Plus, HE CLEANED THE KITCHEN! :)


I took one nap, played on the computer, watched some tv, and then before bed, received a massage from S. :)

It was a very nice, do-nothing type of day... and it was Plan B for the birthday.

S originally planned to take me to go apple picking and hayrides, then spend the night at a hotel but because of the bad rain he figured it would be too muddy out to enjoy the apple picking. Plus, I had the worst period of my life on Friday so he pretty much assumed I wouldn't want to do much of anything on Saturday.

We still get to do Plan A, just not on my actual birthday. I'm very much looking forward to it, truth be told.

The only 'problem' with my birthday and the way it was spent was that I caught myself a couple times envisioning what it would be like if I had a kid or two by now. I'm 36 after all. I think my mother was only a couple years from becoming a grandmother when she was 36.

When I was laying in bed for my nap yesterday, I actually envisioned a child or two - both under 5 - running up and jumping onto the bed with me and shouting, "Happy Birfday Mommy!" When S brought out the cake with the lit toothpick (at least he tried), I caught myself thinking that a child should be singing Happy Birthday, too.

I guess that's why I'm not the biggest fan of birthdays... you spend (well at least I spend) too much time reflecting on what could've or should've been. Meh, it is what it is though and what I do have - an incredibly supportive and loving husband - is simply awesome. I really can't complain so instead I'll just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

A new day

Yesterday turned out to be a rough day for me as proven through my reaction of getting my period. But today's a new day and that means the world, once again, is my oyster - something I learned from my dearly departed grandfather as he used to say, "Everything is new because today's a new day" after answering his own question of "What's new?"

God I miss that man. So, so much.

Sure I have my period which means no pregnancy right now, but it also means that everything is in working order and my chances of getting pregnant again are pretty damn good. It also means that some, if not a lot, of the irritability should dissipate. And that's damn good news for everyone involved! ;)

Maybe now I can lighten up about my 36th birthday in two days... it is, after all, just a stupid number and lord knows that I don't *feel* like I'm inching closer and closer to the big 4-0.

Anyway, here's to a new day where everything is a new!

Sunday bloody Sunday

The party yesterday was nice... another one outside. In the 90 degree heat. With not a cloud in the sky.

I'm so not a summer person.

The baby was darling. So friggin happy and "talking" so much. It was quite humorous.

She liked the books I got and actually "read" one.

What a sweetie.

After the party, we stopped over at my mom and grandmom's and talked to them for a while.

Lots of politics.

I'm not a very political person but I've never been so personally offended by a Presidential race as this one - since McCain's announcement of his Alaskan VP in hopes of getting Hilary voters. Fucking fucks.

And it's not like I was a huge Hilary fan, but I am a woman, and I just can't help but to take offense to their tactics.

In other news, our downstairs neighbors decided to have a party last night.

Until about 5AM.



Then at 7AM, when I was finally in a deep sleep, someone decided to try to break down the door downstairs. After a 1/2 hour of listening to the pounding and then hearing our doorbell ringing over and over again, I finally had enough and bitched some little twat out.

No I don't have a fucking key but there's a fucking police station a block away if you need help.

I'm getting too fucking old for this shit.

Oh and even more fucked up news, my nephew was in the hospital last week because he had blood on the brain that wouldn't go down - from falling on the concrete. He also had marijuana and alcohol in his blood.

Like I said, I'm getting too fucking old for this shit.

Thank goodness for long weekends!

TGIF - for real! Holy hell has this been a long week for me.

Work is a bit stressful right now. I've got ONE - count them, ONE - fucking client out of hundreds and hundreds that I'm having a real difficult time trying to figure stuff out with. It's very frustrating because I'm usually one that comes up with some sort of solution when a problem arises but this time I'm stumped. And I don't like that feeling.
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I still don't have my period. My boobs still don't really hurt. I know this is all parr for the course but I still don't like it. Give me my period or give me a healthy pregnancy. Is that too much to ask for? (And NO, I haven't POAS yet and I won't until my birthday, next Saturday, at the earliest.)
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Tomorrow we have our second 1-year-old birthday party to go to. I'm actually really excited about this one! After handling the last one, I'm sure I can handle this one... and I just can't wait to play with the baby! She's almost walking and she's such a happy baby! Yay for babies! :)
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Not much else planned for the long weekend ... though we have a ton of cleaning and laundry to do around the house. Yay for long weekends!

About yesterday

Apparently it's time to color my hair. I had three different people comment on the gray yesterday - not on how much hair I chopped off, but on the gray and how there was a lot of it. Gee, thanks for the breaking news, Einstein. Would it be OK of me to comment on all your wrinkles and that maybe you shouldn't have spent so much time in the sun or smoked a little less cigarettes cuz you look about 10 years older than you actually are? Oh that's right, I have common courtesy so I'll just *think* those thoughts while you actually verbalize yours. Thanks for playing.

Yesterday was the first of two 1-year-old birthday parties I had to attend. It was fun (aside from the gray hair comments) and the only time I got teary eyed was when they sat the birthday boy in his high chair, gave him his little cake, and all the guests (about 30 total) started singing happy birthday to him. He looked around at everyone looking at and singing to him and started to cry. The poor little guy! I seriously couldn't help but get welled up because both his mom's (he's the product of IVF to a lesbian couple) tried to get his attention on to them so he would stop crying, which he did.

He's a happy baby. Very content. Ready to walk any minute. And he's absolutely adored by his mom's and all their friends.

I held him only once (did I mention he's the product of a lesbian couple? yeah so that means he's got grandparents that didn't think they were going to get a grandchild, and a gazillion "aunts" that want to do nothing but shower him with their love) and played with him for only a couple minutes. It was when I was about to play Bocce Ball with my dad, husband, and one of the granddads.

Z (the baby) spotted the balls we were holding and tried to come toward us so I gently tossed one of the Bocce balls onto the grass for the little guy to come toward. He did so I knew he wanted to play with the ball, but also had the sense to realize that he wouldn't really be able to lift the Bocce ball so I found a rubber ball and started playing catch with him. He was so happy when he threw the ball toward me that he squealed and waved his little arms about.

Gah, I cannot wait! It's not about being pregnant for me, though that's obviously step 1; I just want a child to nurture, to care for, to adore, to love, to guide, to protect, to help grow, to help thrive, to help and watch learn...

There were a couple times when a couple family members I haven't seen for a while asked how we've been doing. Thank god nobody asked when we were going to have a baby, but I have a feeling that they think we don't want kids or something... after all, we were together for 7 years before we got married last year and I'm getting up there in age. But, then again, maybe they realize that those kind of questions can very well be hurtful... look how long they had to wait for a baby to get into their family since one of the mother's (the one that didn't birth Z) is a lesbian.

I don't know, but I was SO grateful that nobody asked us when we were going to have a baby. SO grateful. And can I just add that it was not at all easy to answer the question, "So what have you guys been up to lately?"

"Not too much," was my answer that left my lips when my head said, Oh just finally finding out that I'm pregnant, being elated about the pregnancy, falling madly in love with the growing baby for four weeks, only to find out there was no heart beat and making the hardest decision in my life to undergo surgery to suck the pregnancy out of my uterus in hopes of being able to move on and forward.

"Just work and stuff," I said.

Meh, it's all to be expected I guess... and I'm just grateful I didn't have any crying spells or anything and that I was able to enjoy yesterday for what it was - Z's first birthday. It's not *always* about me, after all.

That was yesterday and today's a different day:

This morning after I came back to bed for the umpteenth time after peeing, yet again, I told DH that a part of me thought I might be pregnant again because of all the peeing and because of the *extremely vivid* dreams I've been having every single night for the past two weeks - just like when I was pregnant last time.

"I'm trying not to get worked up about it though, in case I'm not and because I really don't think I am," I added. "Plus, if I really am, I don't think I could be as excited as I was last time."

Saying it out loud to someone else really made me sad for a moment - I don't think I could be as excited as I was last time. It shouldn't be like that. Every pregnancy is different and my chances of having a healthy pregnancy following a miscarriage are great... but it's how I feel. Today at least.

"You probably haven't even ovulated yet," he answered.

"Yeah," I said, trying to drift off into another dream.

I slept like shit last night. I woke up around midnight and had to pee and just as I was finishing up, what do I see scurry across the tub? A fucking cockroach. It's the first one I've seen in a week, but I - like many others - hate those motherfucking things. Hate, hate, hate. I caught the little fucker and flushed him and the building has been sprayed down twice and we have roach motels everywhere, but still... It's hard to go back to sleep when you envision roaches everywhere. :(

Then there were people outside from like 2AM to 5AM. Talking, laughing, smoking. I fucking hate living in the city.

Then at about 3:30AM the fucker (literally) upstairs decided to dance on his mattress. The odd thing is that while we hear him going at it - or at least the mattress being abused and bounced on - we *never* hear or see anyone but him. DH and I have decided this morning that dude might have a blow up doll or something.

I fucking HATE where we live!

What little dreaming I did do last night involved water and a shark and some other people. I don't know who the other people were but there were two other people and they fell into the water. There was some sort of raft or something in the middle - they were on one side, I was on the other. That's when I saw a shark's fin coming toward the other two and then I *felt* it brush up against me. Freaky.

Prior to going to sleep last night, S and I watched some of the Olympics and just hung out on the couch. He was extra affectionate for some reason, really looking at me and smiling and telling me several times how lucky he felt to get to spend every day with me. :) Then he said the last time he really felt so good about life was the night before his car got stolen in late January. :( I asked if he felt like that when I was pregnant as I know, for me, it was some of the best days of my life, and he said that every day is wonderful, but that he has moments when he feels like his life is magical or something. :)

I'd be about 10 weeks right now... I'd be gearing up to tell folks after my bday in two weeks. Really! What an awesome bday present that would have been - to turn 36 and be 12 weeks pregnant and to be able to share that with those closest to us.

Meh, it'll still happen some day.

So yesterday went pretty well - for the most part.

We ended up over at my aunt and uncle's house just around the corner from my grandmother's house. My one cousin was celebrating his 25th birthday and they had cake, cookies (that I made), and coffee for everyone. It was nice to sit around the table and talk with everyone. We used to this a lot when my grandfather was alive but ever since he passed, family gatherings have really diminished. It's kind of sad because it makes me realize my child - should I be blessed with one - will not really get to experience large family gatherings.

Anyway, we talked and laughed and then I asked if my other cousin's daughter is walking yet. She's going to be one in a couple weeks. And that's when things became a little difficult.

I should've been able to listen to the gush of the beautiful, happy baby with a huge smile on my face knowing that in a year and a half's time, people would be gushing about my almost-walking baby. Instead I had a smile on my face and tried not to think of what could've been or what would've been.

That's when they brought out the pictures and oh my what a genuinely happy baby! The smile on her face in every single picture makes everyone else looking at the pictures smile. You can't help it.

The grandparents and uncle (my aunt and uncle and other cousin) went on and on about how she's taking about 7 steps on her own before she plops onto the floor; about how she sticks out her tongue back and forth a couple times when they ask her to do a lizard face; about how she's got 10 teeth; about how she engages everyone whenever they go out to eat or anything.

And I listened and smiled and laughed and focused on the child they gushed on about, but found myself drifting a couple times. Thank god nobody asked when we were going to have a child.


The next couple of weekends are going to be quite interesting... we have a birthday party for one of my cousin's one-year old's this Sunday and another birthday party for the aforementioned cousin's one-year old next Saturday.

And then in three weeks, my birthday. I was intending to tell people around my birthday that we were having a baby in March. Not gonna happen this time around.

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Yesterday wasn't a great day for me. I was without internet access all weekend so I stupidly came to work yesterday and spent a lot of time online. Too much time. As a result, I got sad and mad and sadder and madder.

I also spotted all day yesterday - enough to have to wear a pad all fucking day. Gross. I hate pads, I hate spotting. Fortunately, I didn't have any cramping like I had over the weekend. So there's a plus.

Today the spotting has pretty much subsided. And still no cramps, thank god.

Today I need to stop reading certain things on the internet. I need to start focusing on my job and other things in my life than my loss.

I really need to get my mind back into a more positive state. I know it takes time.

Speaking of time... one month from tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I think that realization is playing negatively on me, in addition to the loss.

I'll be officially pushing 40. When the fuck did all that happen?