Saturday, January 31, 2009

Saturday! In the park. I think it was the fourth of July.

One of these days I'll have to take a picture of my husband's stash of yarn. He's become a bit of a Knitting Freak. It's very charming, actually. And truthfully, I'm a bit jealous. We both wanted to learn the hobby and while I've picked it up pretty easily (it's really not that hard to learn in case you were wondering), he keeps on knitting and I just sit in marvel.

I want to learn to make baby blankets and booties and sweaters and such. You know, for everyone else's baby. :D :P

But you can't really just jump right into whatever you want. I mean, I suppose you could if you wanted to but I don't think the end result would be something you'd want to give someone as a gift. That means in order to get to make the things you want to make, you need to start with the smaller, easier things. Like scarves. And as much as I like a good, warm, neat-looking scarf for these cold winter months, there's only so many scarves a person can have. Like two, maybe. Two's a good numbers of scarves to have... not 10. :)

Ah, my husband. He always puts a smile on my face. It doesn't matter how shitty I'm feeling, he can always make me smile. And if not, he's got amazing lips to suck on to make me feel better.


Today we have to show the condo to someone. Yeah, it's been almost two years of throwing away a mortgage for something that's sitting empty. And with two months left on our (his) lease, either the condo needs to get rented - now - or we're moving back when the lease is up in two months. I've put my foot down.

Anyhow, I'm excited. The condo is located about 30 miles from here, out in the suburbs. And the suburbs is home to malls and those dreary chain restaurants. Do you know what that means? Do you?



Sometimes it truly is the little things that you need to focus on.

We're also going to go see the new movie, Taken which looks crazy - especially the scene where whatshisname stabs someone's thighs with two knitting needles. And since we're (he's) on a knitting kick, we just have to see it (and so help me god if there's a pregnant bitch in this one).

Like I said, it's the little things. :)

Red Robin and Taken here we come!

Friday, January 30, 2009

My cousin's wife responded to the email I inadvertently sent her instead of my other cousin. I knew she'd be cool with it and very understanding and she was. She told me not to feel bad or sad or embarrassed and she proceeded to give me her stats with all of her losses. She has seven babies in heaven. :( And one miracle child. :)

I responded back and confessed to my pregnancy, loss, and d&c and she's glad the door has now been opened.

Stephen just called to check on me and when I told him about my cousin's wife, he said, "You should be glad that so many people care about you." He didn't say it sarcastically; he said it in a way to make me feel better.

Instead, the tears started flowing.

"I do," I managed to whisper through the tears. "That's just it. I'm so incredibly blessed in so many ways..." I had to stop to focus on breathing for a moment.

"...except for One way," I whispered. "And it's that one thing that makes me so angry and takes away from all things I should feel blessed about."

"I love you," he said. "I wish you weren't having such a bad week."

I just really need Flo to show. (And yes, I tested again this morning with a digital: BFN. CD38)

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I really don't want to become That person. You know, the one that everyone whispers about behind her back? The one that everyone walks on eggshells around? The one that everyone feels pity for? But I feel like, with every passing day, I'm becoming That person. And it sucks.

I sent an email to my cousin today to let her know that I was having a bad day. We've sort of lost contact with one another ever since the d&c. She stopped emailing me and I shut completely down. I'm better now in regards to the loss, but I still don't like reaching out. I thought today would be the day to do so. Nothing too elaborate, just an "I'm having a shitty day because I'm still not pregnant while everyone else around me is and I'm the longest cycle of my month" type of email.

But instead of sending it to her, I sent it to her sister-in-law.

I thought my heart was going to fly out from my chest, through my mouth. Honestly. I felt so sick when I realized I hit SEND and off it was going to my other cousin's wife instead of the cousin intended.

Instantly I sent another email begging that she ignore the email, that it was sent to her in error. But let's be realistic, people: I know I'd read it!

So now two more people will know that I'm not pregnant even though I want to be.


Nothing like opening the door even more to becoming That person.


But here's the ironic thing about this little escapade. I was thinking earlier that it might just be time for me to share my troubles with a couple other people in the family. And I was thinking this because I know people are talking behind my back: Don't they want kids? I always thought she would make such a good mother. I can't believe they don't have kids yet! She's no spring chicken.

So maybe I sent the damn email on purpose, subconsciously?


Anyway it's been a truly rough day for me emotionally. I've come to terms again that I've got so much anger inside and it's scary. I see it in my driving, I feel it in my thoughts. I don't like this side of me at all. It's not healthy whatsoever. And it's so very, very draining, not to mention completely unfair to everyone around me!

I think a lot of this has to do with fear. Fear of getting pregnant again and losing it. Fear of not getting pregnant again. Fear of not becoming a Mom. Fear of getting yet another BFN. And this long ass cycle just isn't helping because now it's adding to the fear of being pre-menopausal since I'm at 'that age'.

Yup. I'm at That age and I'm becoming That person. Fanfuckingtastic!

Ugly Ugly UGLY

So this is one of those blog posts not meant for the reader so much as it's meant to get it out of my head! I'm in a very selfish place with this and the language, among other things, is embarrassing. But it's where I'm at right now. Unfortunately.

It’s happening again… the anger.

I’m so motherfucking upset with myself right now because of it.

How could I let myself get sucked in again? Into the hope that I will one day become a mother?

What the motherfucking shit was I thinking?

It’s so obvious that I’ve done something, apparently, to disable me from procreating. I mean, what else can there be? I’m 36 for fucks sake. If it’s not going to happen now… when then? And why do I have to wait this long?

Before I can be Graced with the gift of a child?


Honestly this is where I am right now and it frightens the shit out of me; the anger is consuming my every fucking thought. I hate this side of me. With a motherfucking passion.

I’m on day 37 of the longest cycle of my life. Are you fucking kidding me? This month has been fucking horrific. What the fuck kind of way to ring in the motherfucking new year but with weeks of cramps and irritability?! And why not throw in a several negative HPT’s? And for shits and giggles, let’s add a handful of pregnancy announcements – from others, of course? Why not? Why not just get on out there with a shovel and dig my hole a little fucking deeper, too?

Why? Why, why, why?

I need ... something … to help me understand this. WHY?

Monday, January 26, 2009


My nephew called me about an hour ago. He said he had some news: He's going to be a Uncle.

I'm not surprised by the news (because I saw the announcment on Myspace) but I acted surprised nonetheless. At least I didn't feel like I was being punched in the stomach when he told me so I guess that's one benefit of seeing it on Myspace, eh. Yeah, so his sister's pregnant. She's 21 and will be 22 when the baby is due. She just lost her job and was recently in a car accident so she was pretty freaked out, apparently, when she found out she's pregnant.
Oh, and she has one ovary.
Of course a girl with no job, with a lot of debt, and with ONE ovary is able to get pregnant. Of course. Why not? She, after all, probably wasn't taking her first waking temperature, tracking her cervical mucus, etc. She, after all, probably doesn't even know anything about ovulation or anything much about what some women go through to conceive. Nope. But she's pregnant. (And I'm sure a lot would say it's because she didn't think about conceiving. Fuck off if that's your thought.)
Apparently she was so freaked out over being knocked up that she wanted to abort but my nephew, supposedly, talked her out of it.
And now my 16 year old nephew is going to be an uncle.
And I'm going to be a Great Aunt.
That means that my ex-sister-in-law will be a grandmother at the age of 37. That makes me laugh. She had her daughter, the one that's pg, when she was 16. That's why she'll be such a young grammie.
And while that makes me laugh for a minute, it makes me sad, too. That poor excuse of a mother is going to be a grandmother at 37, and at 36, I'm still not even a Mom.
I guess I should just be happy I don't have a headache today.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

PMS? Or losing my mind?

Warning: The following post may contain some nasty language.

I have a killer headache.
And occasional cramps.
And constant motherfucking irritability.

But I still don't have my motherfucking period and I've taken three motherfucking HPT's and all have come back Negative.


This is day 33 of my cycle. My average is about 27 days. This is the longest cycle since the first one following my d&c in late July. I can't take much more of the irritability. My husband can't take much more of it.

Give me my fucking period or a BFP already!

Dear lord, I was supposed to go to a baby shower today for a group of friends on the internet. I never said I would go, but still, I should've gone. How the fuck can I when it's for like seven pregnant girls? I mean, it's hard enough to go to a baby shower for one girl; I can't fathom going to one for more than one girl. Yes, everyone else around me is pregnant but me. I get it. I don't need to fucking submerge myself in that. Sure I'm being selfish, but oh the fuck well. I'm not going to put myself in a place where I will most likely revert back to my ugly days (following the d&c). Gah, and with the way I'm feeling today - like I could rip off someone's limbs as if they were a barbie doll - I'm thinking it's a good thing I never said I'd go. Can you imagine? Wow, I can. I think it would be the thing to put me over the edge.

Anyway. Yeah. Been avoiding this post like the plague all week because I was hoping for AF or a BFP by now. But neither have come and I have to get this shit out of me once and for all.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Bitter much?

Welp... It's that time of year again. Time for the company I work for (and I'm pretty certain I'm not alone here) to change insurance company's again. I get it, I do; I'd much rather HR work their asses off to find an insurance that will offer us a lower deductible than to just stick it out with the same ole same ole but holy headache!

Today's meeting was 2 hours. And I'm still confused.

In the past, we were only offered a PPO health insurance. This time, they're offering an HMO. And while I said I would never go the HMO route again... they sure did entice me. We'll see what the old man has to say about it but I've already checked and both my Primary Care doctor as well as that ever loving OBGYN are in-network -- whether I go the HMO or PPO route. I dunno. It just seems like if I have a doctor in the HMO, I'm going to save a shitload of money. And lord knows if this year is anything like the past two years, I'm gonna need all the money I can save.

After the two hour meeting, one of my coworkers asked me what I thought: "Are you happy about the new insurance," she shrieked. I looked up from the work that has been piling on my desk all week. "Well it doesn't really matter for you," she continued, "since it's just you and Stephen. You can continue to get the single insurance and not pay."

I glared at her as the diarrhea about her daughter and her this and her husband and her that ran from her mouth.

She didn't get it... the diarrhea ran from her mouth and down her little business suit and formed a puddle below her ugly brown 1985 pumps. I just looked at her and she started to sound like a Charlie Brown character, Wah Wah Wah-Wah-Wah.

"Have a good evening," I finally spat as I typed something on a spreadsheet, turning my attention back toward the computer monitor.

It's been six months, I told myself. To her it's all over with. She probably doesn't even remember. And if she does remember, it's just not a big enough deal to her when she's got her two precious kids to worry about.

That reminds me... Stephen asked me if I was "Bitter much?!" the other day whilst looking for knitting supplies (yeah we've taken up a new hobby) after I mentioned I wanted to learn how to knit adorable baby stuff for everyone else's babies since we don't have one yet.

Yeah, apparently some days I still am bitter. And??? ;)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sunday, bloody Sunday?

I got out of the shower a little bit ago and was moisturizing the old face and noticed how tired I look. I then smiled, trying to use some PMA (positive mental attitude) to look more 'alive'. That's when all the lines under my eyes appeared.

I'm getting old. There's no mistaking it.

I know they're just wrinkles and it's what's on the inside that counts... but then I think about how I'm *still* not a mom yet and boy does it kinda bring me down.

I've been tracking on excel my cycles and I had yesterday's box in pink because I thought maybe I'd get my period. Nope. I ran in the bathroom all day checking. There were several times I was cramping like it was coming but nothing. My boobs aren't really sore either. Strange, that. I'm trying not to get too excited because I really don't think our timing was there this cycle... but I didn't think it was timed good the cycle I got my BFP either. So who knows. Oh wait, I know! Duh!

I thought about my cycles and such and I'm not really sure why I had yesterday as the day I should get my period. That was only day 25 of this cycle. Stupid.

Basically if I don't get AF by February, then I might have something to think about.

All this has made me realize that I miss tracking my morning temps and stuff. There was no guesswork when I took my temps. Either it was still high and I was still in the 2WW or it dropped signifying AF... or, like in July, it got a bit higher and higher and never dropped! Boy was that exciting... waking up every morning after the BFP to see my temps were still up, making me believe more and more that my dreams were coming true. I was so insanely excited. I had a constant smile on my face. I enjoyed the constant peeing, the horrendously sore boobs, the occasional cramping. I loved it all because I was finally going to be a Mom.

Blech, enough of that.

Yeah so I'm realizing more and more that it's time to get back with the true tracking of it all. As much as it was nice not to have to freak out about the timing of everything and have baby on the brain 24/7, it just hasn't been cutting it. I'd rather know for sure if and when AF is coming.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I dreamt of my brother last night and it’s making me a bit uneasy because normally when I dream vividly or in a way where the dream ‘sticks’ with me, it usually has a way of coming true… maybe not immediately, but sometime in the future something may happen where a light bulb will go off and I end up thinking, Holy shit, I dreamt about this happening.

I used to be pretty close with my brother but then life happens and people make choices that we don't all agree with and end up going down different paths.

When we were kids, I used to always want to play with him; I basically wanted to be him. He’s 3 years older than me and I hated being a girl. I wanted a BMX like him, I wanted to play soccer like him, I wanted to play baseball like him. He never let me tag along though. I’d follow him around like a lost puppy and just sort of show up wherever he was and if he saw that I was there, he and his friends would taunt me until I ran away.

We weren’t very close growing up at all. Actually none of us (Brother, Sister, myself) were. We each sort of fended for ourselves and went about our youthful days alone or with our friends, pretty much excluding one another from our lives outside of the family life.

When I was around 11, Brother became friends with his best friend, Paul. Paul was Brother’s age and deaf. Brother was the only kid in the school Paul transferred into that befriended him. Paul had a little sister, Jennifer. And soon, Brother, Paul, Jennifer and I would hang out…usually it was at their house because they didn’t have a dad and their mom pretty much let them do whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted.

So at age 11, the four of us would walk around the streets late at night smoking cigarettes or we’d hang out at their home cussing and acting like a bunch of bad asses that we actually weren’t. This was about the time when I learned to ride my bike home whilst looking like a retard – my greatest apologies to anyone with any kind of disabilities, of course.

Yep, I was around 11 and hanging out with Jennifer a lot and riding my bike home the mile or two from their house late at night and because I was always the type of person to think the worst case scenario, I was sure that some strange, creepy predator would come out and try to attack me or kidnap me or rape me. So to avoid that from happening, I’d ride my bike as fast as I could with my face in odd contortions and if I happened to pass some man on the street walking, I’d make odd creepy noises. I was certain this would keep the crazies away… and apparently it worked because I was never attacked, or raped, or kidnapped.

Anyway it was around this time in our lives when I was closest with my brother, but it didn’t last long. Soon we moved from my childhood home and Brother, now in high school, was never home and Jennifer and I lost contact due to the move so I rarely saw my brother.

It actually wasn’t until my late teens when Brother and I reconnected. Ironically it was also around this same time when Jennifer and I reconnected because, lo and behold, Brother and Jennifer ended up getting married one day and having a baby! I started hanging out with them a lot in my early 20s and then when I was like 24, Jennifer decided she no longer loved Brother the way a wife loves a husband, and she decided she wanted to be single again so left her kids (one from a prior relationship and my nephew) with Brother.

After Jennifer left, I moved in with Brother and the kids to help take care of the two kids. We became pretty close during those years because aside from him, I was his son’s primary caretaker (the other child ended up moving back in with Jennifer). I lived with him for almost five years before realizing I had to move out and start living life for myself.

Then two and half years ago, my brother decided to allow my nephew to move in with his mother (Jennifer). Brother and Nephew’s relationship deteriorated. Brother reconnected with someone he had a relationship with prior to marrying Jennifer, and moved to another state to be with this woman and her two kids. They got married in March of 2007. They’re expecting their first baby (together) in the summer. Brother and his son haven’t talked since my wedding in June 2007. I haven’t talked to Brother since around the same time, as well.

I understand the choices he made. I do not, however, understand his near abandonment of his son. And that’s where I draw the line. Of course I love my brother, but I don’t like him much these days. I used to feel sorry for him, but not anymore. You simply don’t have a child with someone and throw them away when the going gets tough and run off and have a child with someone else. It’s just not right.

Anyway, the dream: He came to visit. His wife was still pregnant and still trashy. He decided he was going to stay here and not go back home to his wife. I was surprised by this but also happy. I felt like I could finally tell him how I felt about his wife and the whole situation.

I don’t really remember anything specific, but I do remember the players and I do remember that he left her. And I do remember it being a happy dream.

We'll see what happens in reality. Not my problem either way but I do find it creepily intriguing when parts of my dreams come true.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I’m feeling like shit yet again – cramps, headache, my bra is super tight today… I’m so fucking sick of this.

I’m reminded of the time I first went to my doctor about a year and a half ago to tell him I wanted to go off the Pill and that we were going to TTC soon. I remember telling him that I was a bit apprehensive about it because the main reason I went on the Pill 15 years prior was because of the horrid PMS I would suffer. I told him about my concerns and asked if I could take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety pill if it came down to killing someone whilst off the Pill or not killing someone. We discussed it in great length and came to the understanding that I would go off the Pill when I was ready and go without any other medication, but that he would keep an eye on me. I remember how he told me that, oftentimes, women find that because they’re TTC, they’re more apt to eat better and stuff which may release some of the PMS symptoms from previous years. He also said that if it came down to it and I really felt I needed something, I could always come back and talk to him and he would put me on small doses and keep an eye on me… and if I were to become pregnant, I could be monitored closely and quite possibly stop taking the meds. He mentioned, also, that oftentimes symptoms or ailments we might endure pre-pregnancy will change or disappear once we become pregnant because our bodies have something else to do (read: grow a baby).

I remember coming out of that appointment feeling a bit more empowered than when I went in, and a little anxious, too. I was going to go off birth control. Finally at 35, I was going to try to fulfill me needs to become a mom. Wow was that an exciting time.

I remember ordering Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF) from Amazon two Christmases ago, along with some other books to give as gifts, and diving right into it as soon as it came. I read all about cervical mucous (CM), taking my temperature with a basal thermometer to track ovulation, etc. I learned so much from reading that book, and for the first time in my 35 years, I felt like a true woman. I was empowered and I was going to make a baby (with my husband of course).

That first couple of months were so nerve-wracking. I had so many questions about everything. The CM couldn’t come fast enough. Neither could three days of risen temps. And that 2WW? Forgetaboutit! Ack, time seemed to stand still! And every month AF inevitably showed up, I was prepared and ready for her because my temperature always took a significant dive. I knew what I was doing.

But then one month turned into several and people around me were getting pregnant, but we weren’t. I even tried ovulation sticks one month. And just as I was about to give up, guess what happened? Yup, a BFP. I was beyond elated. But I don’t need to go down that lane again (though you can always read more about that in that blog).

Blah, blah, blah… Anyway, my point to this little post was that I think I need to go back to my doctor and get him to prescribe me something. An anti-depressant or something. The PMS is killing me lately. I just don’t have that excitement I had last year. This isn’t new anymore. The cramps, the backache, the headache, the bloating, the irritability… it’s all getting to be too much again. I’m about ready to snap someone’s arm off their body. Or ram into their car. Or trip them going down the stairs. I’m sick of feeling like this. I need some drugs.
Or a baby, of course. ;)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Monday Musings

I'm not too thrilled right now.

I have cramps. :(


I'm on CD21. I'll probably be getting AF next week. I cannot believe I've been getting it now for 25 years. That's insane. I need a break from AF. I need to get pregnant and stay pregnant so I don't have to have her disrupt my life for a year or so. If that's not a reason to get ktfu, I don't know what is! ;) :D

The only bright side to getting AF this cycle is that I talked to S and he's on board with buying either digital OPK sticks or an actual monitor. I'm guessing we'll go with the digital sticks next cycle. And since he's on board, he can fork over the money and therefore cannot give me the "too much pressure" excuse for boinking me when I'm ovulating. ;)

In other news, I think my dad wants to be granddaddy to one of our kids. Sigh. He's been making little comments here and there. Last week when we were eating dinner at his place and were ready to leave, he said, "Why? You have to go home and take care of the kids?" S and I both ignored his comment because it's usually best to do so rather than get into an argument over the fact that he's "old and just has to say what's on [his] mind." Our ignoring didn't go off so well and he said it again and quickly added, "I mean your cats?!"

Of course I can be reading more into it than what's actually meant, but I don't think I am. I've got a pretty good read on people.

The other day at a hockey game, we were sitting in front of a mom with her two little ones - about 3 and 1. They were adorable and very well behaved. My dad kept elbowing me to "look how cute" the kids were and every time I felt my stomach churn. He has no idea how badly I want to be a mom.... how much I look forward to his pride and joy when he can hold another grandchild.... how terrified I am that he may be too old to enjoy it when/if we finally have a child.

It's kind of sad because I want to tell him that I was pregnant but lost the baby, but I don't think he'll 'get' it and frankly, I have no desire to explain it. And I sure as hell do not want to hear, "Oh well, it'll happen again" or "Well better luck next time." And knowing my dad, I can pretty much guarantee a stupid comment like that.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Getting on track

So once again it's been awhile. I guess that means things have been OK. And they have... for the most part.

My little meltdowns have gotten smaller and smaller and just not as significant. Apparently. I'm not as angry or jealous. That's not to say that there's no anger or jealousy because believe me, there most certainly is; it just doesn't seem to consume me as much lately. Thankfully.

I bought something for myself just before Christmas. Something to maybe help us along in this hideous game of trying to conceive. It's called Fertile-Focus and it's a tiny magnifying glass that takes a drop of your saliva and tells you - by way of looking through tiny scope and observing the patterns of your saliva - if you're ovulating. I've been using it since just before the new year and according to what I'm supposed to be looking for, I still haven't ovulated. So now I'm not sure if the damn thing works. I figured it was worth a shot and the $30 because unlike ovulation prediction kits/sticks, this Fertility Focus is something you can use as often as you want. I figured it was cheaper to go this route but now I'm not sure I didn't just throw away $30.


Anyway... I guess my point is that I'm ready to try and track things again. Poo. I really didn't want it to come back down to tracking shit, but I suppose it's best to be as knowledgeable about my cycles as possible for my next doctor's appointment. It's been six months since the miscarriage, after all. (I've been charting by way of Excel spreadsheet when my period et al comes, but I have NOT been temping or being very anal about it all.)

Can I just say how much this fucking sucks, though?! Because it does. Because all those people who preached (and still do today) for me (and others) to "Just Relax and you'll get Pregnant" were apparently wrong. Apparently not really giving a shit about my cycle hasn't really helped me conceive any sooner than caring about it did. So there! Now I can tell you to Shut the Fuck Up when you start telling me to relax again. Not that you'll have a real reason to tell me to relax since I never ever talk about TTC anymore.

I find that not really talking about it (on message boards as that's really the only place I talked about it) and not really paying much attention (or at least *trying* not to pay attention) to all the baby talk out there, has helped me let go of some of the ugliness that consumed me for so long. But it's not easy. I still have my moments when I get all teary eyed, when I feel like it's happening for everyone else but me. I still get angry and jealous and even ugly about it all. But I've learned to somehow accept those feelings when they come for what they are and then do my best to move on. I mean, what other choice do I have really? It's either drown myself in the ugliness to the point where it's who I am (again) or do my best to let it go.

And I like myself a lot more when I do the latter.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

New Year, New Look

So what do you think? Do you like the new look, the groovy green (my favorite color)? Or were you a fan of the boring black and white from before? I liked the other one, but I thought with a new year, why not change things up a bit.

That being said, don't be surprised if you see the posts taking on a different tone as well. I'm sure there will be moments when I come here to whine, bitch, moan, cry, and throw a huge pity party for myself, but more than not, I expect to be using this blog as a means of getting together my memoir. I was going to create a whole other blog but the fact of the matter is that I like this blog and it's helped push me into wanting to go through with writing the memoir, so why not keep it all here?

That's what I think, at least. So that's what I'll do.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


Saturday we took my dad to visit with my sister and her family. I hate going out there. It's a long-ass drive and the hospitality is nonexistant. But I was tired of listening to my father nag me about going so I gave in.

My sister and I don't really get along. We never really have. I'm guessing it's because she's 7 years older and just never liked kids. At least that's what she told me when I was younger: "You're the reason I hate kids so much." She went on to have three kids and now there's even a grandbaby living in her home. She still hates kids though. She likes them when they're itty bitty and then when they're self sufficient, but only if they belong to her. Otherwise, she's not a fan of kids. At all.

Anyway, we've never been close. I remember aching for a better relationship at times - especially when watching movies or tv shows where the sisters have this amazingly close relationship... or when perusing the aisle of greeting cards. But we just never had that kind of relationship, sadly.

So we're sitting around on Saturday and somehow S mentions our parents and that - no offense to us - he couldn't really imagine our parents married and together. That's when I told him that with all the remembering I've been doing lately, I don't have any real memories with the two of them together. I can remember times with my dad and/or with my mom, but none with both. I just cannot see the two of them together in my mind's eye, no matter how hard I try.

I mentioned this because I wonder if maybe I'm blocking something out and wanted my sister's perspective since she's 7 years older. She closed her eyes for a moment and completely agreed with me: Our parents didn't really spend much time together.

"I don't even remember them fighting or anything," I said. "I mean, I remember that first day we went back into the house after staying with Oma and Ota and Mama making us hide out upstairs in your bedroom. And I remember her going downstairs when Papa came home and hearing them argue and being completley baffled by their screaming because I hadn't heard it before. And I remember you guys turning the radio louder to drown out the yelling."

I looked at my sister and she smiled. Not a warm, happy smile but a smile to let me know that she was there, that she lived through it too, that we come from the same background.

"You're right," she commented. "They pretty much hid their fighting and arguing and didn't really do anything together."

It's the first time I remember having a conversation about our childhood. Not only was it the first time in 30-plus years, but we actually have the same memories.

It's nice to know I'm not losing my mind and didn't just make shit up about my past... not that there's anything too horrific or magical that happened or anything.

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