Monday, August 24, 2009

The longest while.

I can't believe I've neglected this blog for so long. I mean, I can, but I can't. I suck sometimes is what it boils down to... sort of.

I'm finally going to spill the beans here. It's been a long time coming but I have my reasons. And actually, when it comes down to the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been *that* long.

So.. Here Goes: I'm Pregnant. 21 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Almost five months pregnant. Me. PREGNANT!!

Now here's the thing: I'm beyond excited, elated, whatever. But it has not been an easy time getting to this point. In fact, it wasn't until my last appointment, nearly two weeks ago, that I started to feel really excited about this.

It's been HARD for me to grasp. Not that I'm pregnant, but that there really and truly is a baby growing inside of me and s/he really and truly is OK and that s/he really and truly is going to be born unto us... it's just been a hard road travelled is all.

And yes, I most certainly blame it on last year's miscarriage... Without ANY hesitation whatsoever... Unfortunately.

Things were so iffy with my emotions, or lack of, that my wonderful husband (and I do mean Wonderful because he's been absolutely beyond amazing and loving and supporting and adorable and wonderful with this pregnancy) actually asked if maybe I should go speak with a professional about it. There were comments like, "I hope you get excited about this soon."


I realized through some tough moments that my lack of excitement and energy toward this pregnancy, this baby, was not only a result of the miscarriage from last year but also because of the fact that that pregnancy and that loss basically stole any innocence I had when it came to conceiving or trying to conceive a child of our own. I just couldn't get excited because I knew what could very well happen.

I mean, sure there are statistics and every newly pregnant woman thinks about miscarriage at some point during their pregnancy, but having been there, I can honestly say that it truly is different once it's happened. It's one thing to think about it, but it's a whole other ballgame to be able to remember and re-live moments ... it's just not easy for our brains to grasp. And then there's the fear of becoming too attached (again) only for it to be ripped away (again).

It killed me inside to know that no matter what I did or tried to do, the excitement for this baby just wasn't there - not like it was last year. Not like it was when I had never experienced being pregnant before. It killed me. I tried so hard not to compare pregnancies and appointments but it was too difficult. And then July 3rd came about and I was reminded how just one year prior I was the happiest person to walk the face of the earth... only for July 29th to hit and remind me that I wanted to wither away to nothing.

It's truly been a very interesting couple of months to say the least.

And please don't for one moment think that I'm not INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to be sitting here today writing this while my baby wiggles around inside of me. I couldn't be happier right now... well, yes, I could and I will be when the baby is placed in my arms.

It just took a while for me to get here, is all.

I can't even say how many appointments I've had and I think I've had 5 ultrasounds already, too. I'm not complaining about these appointments because with every one that I... WE... survived, the more excited I became. But it just wasn't easy to get here.

I'd have to say that it was my last appointment, just two weeks ago, that has brought me to this elation stage I'm in currently. I was SO incredibly anxious and worried that something horrible would go wrong with that appointment. It had been four long weeks since the last time I saw my baby - and even longer for my poor husband. But it was so worth it.

On the screen, in black and white, was our baby. Moving. Chilling out. Even hiccuping. Everything was there and seemed to be growing appropriately. It was beautiful. Then when I saw the doctor, he tried listening for the heartbeat (prior appts had been unsuccessful - probably because of my pre-pg fat) and after a minute or so, we heard it. That truly magical sound of our living and growing baby.

We finally get to become parents.

And maybe tomorrow, we'll finally find out the sex.


So there you have it... a tiny reason why I haven't been around too much the past several months. And since this is a blog dealing with loss, I probably won't be posting too much in the future either. At least I hope not (when it comes to loss).

But this all will always remain with me. No matter what tomorrow brings.

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