tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82214776839479800322024-03-04T23:22:26.505-06:00Clearing My Headand Cleansing my Heart after suffering a missed miscarriagechristinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.comBlogger145125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-12065510418739970882009-10-15T14:15:00.003-05:002009-10-15T14:18:05.469-05:00REMEMBERANCE<div align="center"><strong>October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. </strong></div><br /><br /><a href="http://www.october15th.com/"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392907625982077890" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 273px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiwvHdQcVN9QVMoaqEILRW1n6DYtFDOLvrw2lAJrnlxxDG3YH49J5eJG0FWrn3VBznqa1625hBsMLLV-wn72Wvc3-0EfaLDNyKu3KbBHctOJkGBiGVtpOo5AQYgJRnUOfY6quUB4dpcgY4/s320/WaveofLight.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div align="center"><strong>October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. <br /></div></strong>christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-22983639212810269632009-09-02T10:06:00.003-05:002009-09-02T10:09:59.567-05:00Moving on after MiscarriageApparently the Today Show did a segment on miscarriage earlier: <a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891#32655563">http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891#32655563</a><br /><br />It was a great piece, I thought.<br />It brought tears to my eyes, of course.<br /><br />It just steams me that so many of us go through this and it's all hush-hush.<br /><br />I was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">particularly</span> pleased that they touched on Early loss and that it's still <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">devastating</span> nonetheless! <br />I want to broadcast this 24/7.<br /><br />People need to wake up out there and be more empathetic. Miscarriage is NOT a secret club. Nobody wants to join it, but it happens. Every day, unfortunately. Show some support!!christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-88698658923213749122009-08-24T12:26:00.003-05:002009-08-24T12:57:13.691-05:00The longest while.I can't believe I've neglected this blog for so long. I mean, I can, but I can't. I suck sometimes is what it boils down to... sort of.<br /><br />I'm finally going to spill the beans here. It's been a long time coming but I have my reasons. And actually, when it comes down to the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been *that* long.<br /><br />So.. Here Goes: <strong>I'm Pregnant. 21 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Almost five months pregnant. Me. PREGNANT!!</strong><br /><br />Now here's the thing: I'm beyond excited, elated, whatever. But it has not been an easy time getting to this point. In fact, it wasn't until my last appointment, nearly two weeks ago, that I started to feel really excited about this.<br /><br />It's been HARD for me to grasp. Not that I'm pregnant, but that there really and truly is a baby growing inside of me and s/he really and truly is OK and that s/he really and truly is going to be born unto us... it's just been a hard road travelled is all.<br /><br />And yes, I most certainly blame it on last year's miscarriage... Without ANY hesitation whatsoever... Unfortunately.<br /><br />Things were so iffy with my emotions, or lack of, that my wonderful husband <span style="font-size:78%;">(and I do mean Wonderful because he's been absolutely beyond amazing and loving and supporting and adorable and wonderful with this pregnancy)</span> actually asked if maybe I should go speak with a professional about it. There were comments like, "I hope you get excited about this soon."<br /><br />:(<br /><br />I realized through some tough moments that my lack of excitement and energy toward this pregnancy, this baby, was not only a result of the miscarriage from last year but also because of the fact that that pregnancy and that loss basically stole any innocence I had when it came to conceiving or trying to conceive a child of our own. I just couldn't get excited because I knew what could very well happen.<br /><br />I mean, sure there are statistics and every newly pregnant woman thinks about miscarriage at some point during their pregnancy, but having been there, I can honestly say that it truly is different once it's happened. It's one thing to think about it, but it's a whole other ballgame to be able to <em>remember</em> and <em>re-live</em> moments ... it's just not easy for our brains to grasp. And then there's the fear of becoming too attached (again) only for it to be ripped away (again).<br /><br />It killed me inside to know that no matter what I did or tried to do, the excitement for this baby just wasn't there - not like it was last year. Not like it was when I had never experienced being pregnant before. It killed me. I tried so hard not to compare pregnancies and appointments but it was too difficult. And then July 3rd came about and I was reminded how just one year prior I was the happiest person to walk the face of the earth... only for July 29th to hit and remind me that I wanted to wither away to nothing.<br /><br />It's truly been a very interesting couple of months to say the least.<br /><br />And please don't for one moment think that I'm not <em><strong>INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL</strong></em> to be sitting here today writing this while my baby wiggles around inside of me. I couldn't be happier right now... well, yes, I could and I will be when the baby is placed in my arms.<br /><br />It just took a while for me to get here, is all.<br /><br />I can't even say how many appointments I've had and I think I've had 5 ultrasounds already, too. I'm not complaining about these appointments because with every one that I... WE... survived, the more excited I became. But it just wasn't easy to get here.<br /><br />I'd have to say that it was my last appointment, just two weeks ago, that has brought me to this elation stage I'm in currently. I was SO incredibly anxious and worried that something horrible would go wrong with that appointment. It had been four long weeks since the last time I saw my baby - and even longer for my poor husband. But it was so worth it.<br /><br />On the screen, in black and white, was our baby. Moving. Chilling out. Even hiccuping. Everything was there and seemed to be growing appropriately. It was beautiful. Then when I saw the doctor, he tried listening for the heartbeat <span style="font-size:78%;">(prior appts had been unsuccessful - probably because of my pre-pg fat)</span> and after a minute or so, we heard it. That truly magical sound of our living and growing baby.<br /><br />We finally get to become parents.<br /><br />And maybe tomorrow, we'll finally find out the sex.<br /><br />**********************************************<br /><br />So there you have it... a tiny reason why I haven't been around too much the past several months. And since this is a blog dealing with loss, I probably won't be posting too much in the future either. At least I hope not (when it comes to loss).<br /><br />But this all will always remain with me. No matter what tomorrow brings.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-9243937490422685972009-07-27T09:09:00.006-05:002009-07-27T09:22:41.986-05:00A part of who I am nowAs much as I'm trying to move on, to avoid this blog, to avoid thinking about what happened a year ago... I just can't.<br /><br />I can't forget it, I can't ignore it.<br /><br />It's a part of who I am now.<br /><br />And as much as I want that to change... or vanish... or at least subside even a little, I've pretty much come to terms that it never will.<br /><br />Because it's a part of who I am now.<br /><br /><a href="http://mybigfatpositive.blogspot.com/2008/07/good-night.html">I'm talking about the miscarriage I suffered one year ago</a>. I'm talking about the best AND worst month of my life - July 2008.<br /><br /><pause><br /><br />I've had some really good moments this month in this year - most things I haven't touched on yet here at this blog. I've been wanting to share some thoughts here, but I just couldn't. Not yet. Not now. Not until <a href="http://cleansingmyheart.blogspot.com/2008/07/about-yesterday.html">July 30th </a>comes and goes, at least.<br /><br />Argh.<br /><br />It's just an odd month for me... and an even harder week.<br /><br />This was the month when I got pregnant, this was the month my life was taking a change, this was the month when all my hopes and dreams got crushed, too. All in one month in one year of my life.<br /><br />Like I said, an odd month.<br /><br />It's just hard <em>not</em> to reflect this time around. Maybe next year will be easier - and hopefully years to follow, too.<br /><br />But I don't think I can ever forget this month in 2008.<br /><br />It's just a part of who I am now.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-84153163414230840802009-07-04T09:00:00.004-05:002009-07-04T09:22:02.851-05:00One year ago yesterday, today4th of July, 2009<br /><br />So one year ago yesterday, I got my <a href="http://mybigfatpositive.blogspot.com/2008/07/july-5-2008-p-is-for.html">first ever BFP</a>. I can remember it like it was yesterday... I was SO incredibly happy and excited, and looking back, a little naive, too.<br /><br />No, actually I don't think <span style="font-style: italic;">naive </span>is the right word. More like <span style="font-style: italic;">innocent</span>. I just didn't think I'd fall into the category of miscarrying. <br /><br />I told S yesterday that one year ago I got my BFP and he didn't really say much. I sat in silence for several minutes just thinking about the past year and about what could've been and said, "We would've had a 4-month old if it all worked out." <br /><br />He kept playing his video game. <br /><br />"Have you ever thought of that?"<br /><br />"No," he said calmly.<br /><br />How sad, I thought. I mean, I guess I understand because while he would've been the daddy, he didn't have to suffer the physical ramifications of having a pregnancy end so early... he didn't have to suffer the knife-like cramping for months to follow as a reminder that there was once life forming inside and then was sucked out due to no more growth. I guess I can understand that he can let it go so easily - as can everyone else.<br /><br />I guess it's just different for the women that have to carry the burden, the pain, the torment of knowing there was once the start of a what could have been an amazing life and then, boom, it's over. All inside of you. It's like it belongs to you and only you... and because the world is so fucking hush-hush about it all, who else is going to carry that pain?! Hell, who else is even going to empathize with you?!?<br /><br />Uck.<br />... ... ...<br /><br />One year ago today, we were so excited and so giddy and so ... everything. We went to Walgreens one year ago today, to pick up some random stuff for the weekend, including a digital test. I would wait until tomorrow (did I mention I remember this like it was yesterday) to take the digital test with the first morning's urine. At like 4 or 5AM I'd get up (tomorrow - a year ago) and pee in a cup and go back to sleep... only there was no sleeping, just tossing and turning with a grin on my face and romantic day dreams of living happily ever after in my head. After an hour or so, I'd get up and go back in the bathroom, unwrap the digital test, dip it in the pee for 15 excrutiatingly long seconds, cap the pee end, place it on the edge of the tub and wait. I'd close my eyes and continue my romantic day dreams, telling myself not to peek. And then, after what seemed like an hour but was really only a couple minutes, I opened my eyes, told myself not to get upset if it wasn't positive like the Dollar Store tests were two days prior, and glanced down at the digital test whilst holding my breath.<br /><br />PREGNANT it read. <br /><br />PREGNANT. <br /><br />I remember looking into the mirror after reading PREGNANT for a third time, smiling, and then crying. I was finally going to become a mom.<br />... ... ...<br /><br />No point in reliving the <span style="font-style: italic;">entire </span>moment. That's enough for now. You can read all about it by clicking on the link at the beginning of this post if that's something you want to do. I'm done reliving it. It's really time for me to let this all go... I really need to move on.<br /><br />I won't ever forget this happened. I won't ever forget that I became close to becoming a mom in 2009, but... I just need to move forward. It's beyond time.<br /><br />I love you, my angel.<br />xoxoxochristinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-40918714647501851972009-06-26T08:13:00.002-05:002009-06-26T08:18:56.377-05:00I'm an Auntie. Again.What's that old saying? <em>Always a bridesmaid, never a bride</em>? Does the same apply to Aunt-hood? <em>Always an auntie, never a mom</em>?<br /><br />I have to say NO.<br /><br /><br />Anyway, here's my latest nephew born at the very end of Father's Day.<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5351624740012325154" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 288px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 216px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilJ4zJnlAUG-Bh150lacwqzhIHhTOA5h0yXAE4FK4Bm5_5CW2XDlaiOTwKc3ShymKY95JazM0hoNCRWfuRLEEhnKw9OTuQQ5TIuacaoCyl4Sx7BzvATh0wHPeN_yKA9tW8uSUD7PFFWzQc/s320/nico-post.bmp" border="0" /><br /><br />If you don't know the family, you'd think, <em>What a great day for a child to be born.</em> The only problem with this is that the father of this child has another son, 17, who he hasn't seen or spoken with or checked in on in years. But that's not this new baby's fault. It's just... unfortunate that things work out the way they do sometimes. Unfortunate and very unfair if you ask me.<br /><br />Welcome to the world, smallest nephew of mine!christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-27714435464832470702009-06-17T09:59:00.002-05:002009-06-17T10:08:47.059-05:009 yearsThat's not how long it's been since I've written, it's how long S and I have been together. Wow, huh? We met online in April of 2000. I placed an online personals ad and he replied. I fell in love with his wit and his eye to actually writing properly... true story! :) We met in person on June 17<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> and the rest, as they say, is history.<br /><br />While we didn't get married until seven years later, we've always been each other's <em><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Ein</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">und</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Alles</span></em> (one and only). No doubts ever about that. <br /><br />I never thought it was going to be possible to find someone that I would truly mesh with, but I did. I'm incredibly blessed for that. <strong>Incredibly</strong>. I come from a family plagued by divorce so marriage was something I didn't want to blindly go into. Hell that's why I'm still not a mom... as badly as I wanted to become one, I just couldn't go and get knocked up just to have one no matter how much I may have wanted to.<br /><br />So yeah, there you have it. Just another reason why I really am ready for this motherhood thing... 9 years with the same man and we're both still alive! That's saying something if you ask me. ;)<br /><br />But first, it's time to become an Auntie yet again. Any day now my 4<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">th</span> nephew should be joining us. Then after that, in early <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">September</span>, I will be becoming a Great Aunt for the second time to a great-nephew. Boys, boys, boys everywhere! Even a girlfriend is k/u with a boy. Where are all the girls??christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-44684237875673859382009-05-30T08:11:00.002-05:002009-05-30T08:23:16.332-05:00quick updateWe're heading over to my darling grandmother's today to celebrate her 85th birthday. I love this woman with my entire heart and entire being. I ache when I think of losing her but I know that nobody is immortal.<br /><br />If things would've panned out the way they were supposed to, we'd be bringing our almost 3-month old baby along. <span style="font-style: italic;">Is it morbid that I think like that? Maybe so but it's what I feel.</span> And that makes me sad because I NEED a picture of my grandmother with my child. This HAS to happen. I'm not naive enough to believe that my child will get to know my grandmother because, well, there is no child and my grandmother is 85. But a picture?? If I could just get a picture of them, then I can keep her alive in stories... Ack, and now I'm crying. So stupid!<br /><br />Anyway, tomorrow S and I leave for a mini vacation. We're only driving a couple hours north and staying there for a couple days before coming home on Wednesday. Our 2 year wedding anniversary is Monday so we're going to celebrate that... I wonder if we'd still be going if we had an almost 3 month old on our hands. Probably. Our life will be even more enriched, after all, once we have a little family. That's what I believe, at least.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-65642931297409273902009-05-19T08:13:00.006-05:002009-05-30T08:10:45.526-05:00I'm doing it. I'm taking a break from here and bloggin<span style="text-decoration: underline;">g </span>[removed] instead. This blog will remain public, but the other one is not... [removed]<br /><br />Peace.<br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:78%;"></span></div>christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-79706252705166582042009-05-13T18:15:00.003-05:002009-05-13T18:37:31.575-05:00DisgustingOne of the main reasons I know that I'm ready to be a mom is because of my nephews and nieces, but specifically because of my one nephew, Joey.<br /><br />Joey just turned 17 on May 1st.<br /><br />When he was 4 his parents (my brother is his father) got divorced. Joey cried when his mom left the house but mainly because she and his big sister were crying. My brother threw everything he had into Joey and his big sister. Everything. After a couple months passed, the siblings were spending a weekend with their mom and Joey came home but his big sister stayed with the mom. Joey was barely 5 then and he couldn't understand why he couldn't be with his sister and his mom. He cried and cried on more than one occasion over this. It was rather... disgusting, to be blunt.<br /><br />Anyway, I moved in with my brother to help take care of Joey and his big sister until his big sister left. Then I just helped take care of Joey. And it was my absolute honor to be a part of his everyday life.<br /><br />I was there for so many of his firsts, even teaching him a couple of his firsts... like tying his shoes and helping him read. It was an absolute joy.<br /><br />But after about four years, I had to make the leap onto my own in the hopes that I could find someone to settle down with and hopefully start a family of my own. I wanted "a Joey" who would rely on me to nurture, love, teach him while he called me Mom instead of Auntie. I felt that I had so much love inside that I needed to share and I wanted to share it with a child.<br /><br />Soooooo Joey just turned 17, like I said, and while we don't have every day contact like we did until about a year after I moved out, I still (and <span style="font-weight: bold;">always </span>will) hold a very dear piece of my heart for him and I like to think that I've done my job (and still continue to as well) as far as letting him know that I unconditionally love him, that I am always here for him, that I want nothing but the best for him, that I believe that he can do anything he put his mind to, that I know that he is a good human being and can make a positive impact in this world.<br /><br />That said, I was quite distraught when I received a text message from him yesterday telling me that neither his "douche bag father" nor his grandfather had the "courtesy" to even send him a birthday card. Aside from me, he heard from not one person from this side of the family and he's very upset and hurt.<br /><br />I know he texted me because he probably would've cried if he called me.<br /><br />And my heart broke when I read the text and my blood started to boil and I started to cry.<br /><br />See, Joey hit his adolescent years and started to rebel against his strict father - so much so that his father allowed Joey to move in with his mom... the first time since he was 4. That was just before Joey turned 13, about 4 years ago. And since then, my brother/Joey's father basically shut Joey out. He went from living and breathing for the boy to absolutely having nothing to do with him because Joey was rebelling and wouldn't listen and was getting in trouble. The horror!<br /><br />Well, now my brother is expecting another child in just a month or so... another boy.<br /><br />Isn't that awesome? Isn't it great that <span style="font-style: italic;">he </span>gets to have another child when the first one he had sits thinking his father wants nothing to do with him because he can't even acknowledge him on his birthday?<br /><br />Yeah, right! <br /><br />It absolutely repulses me the way some people are granted the gift of a child and what they do with that gift, while others would do anything for that gift and treat it as such - a gift from God.<br /><br />Disgusting.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-2741112964735768312009-05-10T09:47:00.002-05:002009-05-10T10:04:05.861-05:00Mother's DayHere it is - May 10, 2009 - Mother's Day.<br /><br />Today is the day when most people will spend at least a portion of the day thinking of Mom. Some who still have Mom around may even pick up the phone and call her, while others who live nearby may even spend some time with Mom today. I'm sure restaurants will be quite busy today - breakfast, lunch, brunch, and dinner. And I'm sure there will be a Mom at nearly every table.<br /><br />Today is the day when flower shops make a killing. Spring is in the air and it's Mother's Day. What better way to let Mom know you're thinking of her than to send or bring her some pretty flowers?<br /><br />And then there's the cards... the aisle of cards made especially for today, Mother's Day.<br /><br />I love my Mom but it's taken me a while to get to the place where I can accept her for who she is now and not who she was back when I really needed her the most, back when her role of Mom was extremely important. That said, I've never been a huge fan of Mother's Day. I didn't feel that my Mom really deserved a special day just for her. But I always honored her on this day regardless because, well, she did give birth to me and she is my Mom.<br /><br />Anyway, I told my darling husband that I really needed him to acknowledge <span style="font-style: italic;">me </span>this Mother's Day. I am a mother to a baby in heaven after all! I know most of the world doesn't see it that way - because I lost baby so early on in my pregnancy. But I don't care about most of the world and what they think. <br /><br />In the 22 years that I've been an aunt, I've only received ONE Mother's Day card directed to "Aunt". ONE. It's a shame, really... the way women who've done everything a Mom does except birth a child can be disregarded on a day like today. It's sad, really. It doesn't take much to say three little words to someone, after all. <br /><br />"Happy Mother's Day"<br /><br />So whether you birthed a child or just nurtured a child; whether you were pregnant and suffered an early loss or lost late in the pregnancy; whether you're a pet owner or a babysitter...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!</span><br /></div>christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-43601337704677330362009-05-04T10:23:00.005-05:002009-05-04T10:31:05.388-05:00Stinkin' Cute!<div>I finished a couple projects I've been working on and thought why not document here?</div><div></div><div><br /></div><div>Behold the baby blanket for my nephew coming early July...</div><div><br /></div><div></div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5331990175852176306" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqb85A3ztlfMh-2ChI3N35iudXfNLkhmCLMoz1JXGqfeEHTL9QZwVMgDezpMitCJz3Tuk1GIdrM2lKyuLeofqSwnPgh70dR0oz_sA_jjHv6UoDYkDPKyxyBBQZaWqzIRfeecE90m_uRpHM/s320/blanket4-09_003_medium.jpg" border="0" /><br />It turned out OK. There's no holes like the first one I made, but I screwed up on one end... like my mom said, though, Nobody but God is perfect. So I'm sending it soon to where my nephew to be will be born.<br /><br /><div>And then there's my favorite project since taking up knitting... baby leg <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">warmies</span>!</div><div> </div><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5331990412760615010" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJQ8nzRm8YtSkurgUHaFnETPwVxjuO7tjpaGpIH1txIpZ3rjbWMA6CLZWJZ2dFn6m-DH-GiJv70niSwxS18B3L1Q69SsslOXtJDTlmnLXM247jy3EcBytyEgU_07Klbrdr9GP1b6nhuRGu/s320/warmies_4-09_003_medium.jpg" border="0" /> <img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5331990528905559282" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhal6wyWfQ68SlYKRDneOxkfXLpu0FbLNW2I9KEE6NFVD50sQWha9tszDWGZvHcLPvNR_Zb6rlIbezC7_GAXm8sxmkJVV5UI6FPjLzzlDsvcRnv0kZpLGDOtaeb7yEgjyMGnaNo-01tG7EH/s320/warmies_4-09_005_medium.jpg" border="0" /><br />Oh my are these <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">stinkin</span>' cute and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">stinkin</span>' easy! I did a pair in one weekend and now that I know how to do them, I don't think it should take more than a day to do... I'm not sure what I'll be doing with these shown as they are yellow and I don't see my nephew or great-nephew sporting these so I'll have to save for my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">phantom</span> baby - or maybe till someone has a girl. <br /><br />I'm thinking of making these in "team sport colors" in the hopes that some of the moms to the boys will put them on their little ones little legs... I know I would! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Soooo</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">stinkin</span>' cute!<br /><br /><div></div>christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-4927859758988797932009-04-28T07:54:00.002-05:002009-04-28T07:59:02.911-05:00Update take III guess I changed my mind - yet again. <br /><br />Rather than make this blog private (at this time), I think I'm just going to take a break for a bit. <br /><br />I'm OK (so no worries!), just ... tired.<br /><br />Cheerio until next time, yo.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-30285062743744518422009-04-24T15:35:00.004-05:002009-04-24T15:47:14.738-05:00A BLOG-related decisionI'm a pretty private person and that's mainly because I have <strong>major</strong> trust issues. Most people that know me, know this. That said, when it came to this blog, I didn't want it to be private. This is the second blog that's completely me... but really, it's just an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">extension</span> of the first blog - the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">BFP</span> blog. Anyway, in the past, I've always blogged my thoughts and whatnot, but I changed names and locations and never revealed *anything* that could be related back to it belonging to me... I'm not aiming to hurt anyone after all. My purpose when blogging is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">therapeutic</span>.<br /><br />Enough rambling though.<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">My point to this post is to let you, the reader (like all three of you), know that I'm going <span style="font-size:180%;">private</span>.</span></strong><br /><br />I thought of going private about a month ago when a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">buttload</span> of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">internet</span> peeps and myself got into a tiff, but decided against it because ... well, because this is my blog and there's information here, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">particularly</span> about dealing with miscarriage and loss and grieving, that I *want* to share with people who need a glimpse into something like that.<br /><br />But I think I'm done with all that.<br /><br />It was cool while it lasted, but I'm done. I can either create a brand new blog and make that one private or falsify like others in the past or I could make this one private. I'm not starting over so I'm choosing the latter.<br /><br /><strong>If you want to continue to read, please just subscribe by following the directions provided by blogger once I make the change.</strong> If you're just a nosey lurker, fuck you.<br /><br />Cheerio.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-33296132269359569162009-04-23T08:07:00.002-05:002009-04-23T08:24:03.135-05:00I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday <em>again</em>. I had a killer headache all day and stopped to get something to drown my sorrows into -- a huge bag of Jays BBQ chips and chocolate chip cookies. After gorging on the chips - the entire bloody bag - I took a nap <span style="font-size:78%;">(turns out I didn't have everything I needed to make the cookies)</span>.<br /><br />While I drifted off it dawned on me that <strong>I need help</strong>. If I was a drinker, I probably would've gotten drunk last night. If I was a pot smoker, I probably would've gotten stoned. Instead I just eat. And eat and eat and eat.<br /><br />It's no wonder I'm obese.<br /><br />It's nights like last night when I realize that I'm very slowly killing myself with the toxic foods I gorge on at times.<br /><br />How sick is that? <strong><em>Really, how fucking sick is that?</em></strong><br /><br />There are people in <em>much worse</em> shape than me in this world. People with <em>much graver</em> lives and problems than mine... and here I am eating myself to death.<br /><br />::shakes head::<br /><br />I told S that maybe I need to go see an infertility therapist or something. He said, "can't we just have more sex?"<br /><br />I need him to come to terms that there is a possibility that this is not going to happen for us. I really need him to acknowledge that - and I told him this last night. But he won't give in to that. Instead, he insists that he needs me not to give up hope.<br /><br />::takes deep breath in::<br /><br />And that's when I spilled the beans on what's been bothering me the most lately: Fear. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up again only to be crushed again like I was last July.<br /><br />"Remember how positive I was last July?" I cried to S. "I had no doubts about that pregnancy and then he took it all away from me."<br /><br />I cried and cried.<br /><br />"I don't think I can live through that again," I whispered.<br /><br />"But you can't give up all hope," he told me. And I know he's right. And I haven't given up ALL hope. But I'm a little more realistic this time around because... well... there's a reason I still haven't gotten pregnant, I believe.<br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />I've been doing some research and I think my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luteal_phase"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">luteal</span> phase</a> is too short. Prior to getting pregnant it was 10 days which is right at the cusp of being long enough and not long enough. Lately, it seems it's been about 8 days. If that's the case, if the problem is that my LP is too short, I think it's fixable.<br /><br />See, I still have *some* hope that I can be fixed.<br /><br />I'm not a doctor though... but I'm planning to call one this afternoon.<br /><br />I hate this shit. I just really hate this fucking shit.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-31232937532954945492009-04-21T07:46:00.003-05:002009-04-21T08:10:44.203-05:00I had a significant temperature drop read on the ole basal thermometer this morning. I guess AF will be arriving at any moment. I guess that explains the horrid irritability lately. And the cramps and sore boobs and ridiculous gorging. I mean, why would any of those symptoms be equal to being pregnant? It's me, after all.<br /><br />Another cycle down the drain.<br /><br />I guess I'll be calling the doctor in the next day or two and asking for an appointment to discuss our next step. I cannot continue on like this until a year past the m/c date (end of July). I just can't keep playing the mind/heart/body games.<br /><br />S said he'll go with me to the appointment.<br /><br />I'm not going to lie and pretend like this all makes me happy. Obviously it doesn't. I mean, sure a part of me just wants to know <em>something</em>, just wants to have some sort of reason for the madness... but a bigger part of me is terrified to hear that it's the worst case scenario, that the one brief pregnancy I experienced was a fluke and it will never happen again.<br /><br />Because then what? After this appointment, after the blood and semen and whatnot is tested, then what?<br /><br />This just was not supposed to happen like this. I mean, I don't really know <em>why</em> I'm so fucking surprised that, <em>once again</em>, nothing in my life comes easy... yet I am. I know that should that day come when I get to be called Momma... this will ALL be worth it. I know that.<br /><br />But what if that day never happens?<br /><br />I do still have hope, I really really do... I just... UGH!!!!!christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-74830212743246267112009-04-19T12:36:00.003-05:002009-04-19T12:44:00.141-05:00The next stepI've had several ... breakdowns lately. For the most part, I'm dealing but every so often, I just kind of lose it. <br /><br />S and I have talked and we've come to a decision: If this cycle doesn't leave me with a BFP, I'm calling the doctor and scheduling an appointment for the "next step" in all of this.<br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />I'm just too old and too tired to continue on with this month to month bullshit of trying to get pregnant when everyone else around me gets pregnant and pops out babies at the drop of a hat.<br /><br />I hate who I've become since the miscarriage. I really and truly hate it. I'm too bitter, too sad, too angry. And it's not fair to anyone, especially myself. <span style="font-weight: bold;">I deserve more than this.</span> My husband deserves more than this. My family and friends do, too.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-50802676304574787712009-04-13T09:20:00.001-05:002009-04-13T09:21:08.947-05:00BlechSo yesterday.<br /><br />I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">couldn</span>’t stop crying after I got finished typing yesterday’s post. I just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">couldn</span>’t stop. My dad called right in the middle of it and, thankfully, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">didn</span>’t notice how stuffed up I sounded. Then S woke up and went to the bathroom and when he came out, I went up to him to say good morning and he just looked at me and my puffy eyes and I sunk into his embrace.<br /><br />I really REALLY thought I was moving forward. And I told him this, too.<br /><br />We hugged for several minutes and it was time for me to start making Easter lunch for us and my dad.<br /><br />The crying, the thinking stopped… for a little bit, at least.<br /><br />My dad ended up staying for several hours. It was a very nice visit. We talked about what his next step is in regards to whether or not he’ll be renewing his current lease another year or moving into a retirement community. It’s a part of life, I guess. And at 76 and alone, my dad is in the place in his life when he needs to start thinking about all of this – apparently. And because I’m his only child living nearby, I’m the one that has to be part of this decision.<br /><br />It <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">wasn</span>’t supposed to be like this though.<br /><br />S and I should’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ve</span> already had a child by now and we should’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ve</span> been in a house of our own and we should be asking my dad to move in with us instead of a fucking retirement community. That’s the way this was supposed to go down.<br /><br />But nothing has worked out as planned. Nothing.<br /><br />And while I know these must be trying times for my dad, I can’t help but wonder what happens to the folks who never have children and therefore never have grandchildren or great grandchildren. How are the later years of their lives spent?<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Blech</span>.<br /><br />Anyway, after lunch and time with my dad, he left to visit his sister in law and her kids and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">grandkids</span> while S and I headed over to my grandmother’s house where we just missed my sister and her youngest along with their grandchild. While I would’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ve</span> enjoyed seeing them all, a part of me was glad that I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">didn</span>’t have to see a little one at all yesterday. Yeah, I’m a sick fuck sometimes.<br /><br />During our visit with them, there were many conversations that revolved around children. A couple times S could be hear starting a sentence with, “My kids…” I smiled but inside thought, What if we don’t have children?<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Blech</span>.<br /><br />On our way home, his mom called and kept us company for the remainder of the trip home. S has a car where the phone is hooked up into the speakers of the car so that he’s completely hands-free. In other words I heard the entire conversation and several times, his mom referred to S as her “baby.”<br /><br />It was quite endearing and really tugged at my heart and now recalling of this brings on the tears that won’t stop. <br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Blech</span>.<br /><br />I'm just so, so, so tired.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-7483677899374992972009-04-12T10:33:00.004-05:002009-04-12T10:47:18.474-05:00Easter SundayWith every passing holiday, I realize how much older I'm getting. Not sure if that makes sense really, but I seem to get kind of down on holidays and as pathetic as it sounds, I think it's because I'm still childless.<br /><br />At least when I was living with my brother and helping him take care of his son, I had the innocence of a child to occupy my time and thoughts and energy... especially on holidays.<br /><br />I used to love getting ready for holidays. For Easter, in particular, I'd go out and stock up on a couple of the kid's favorite candies and get him something cool like a new movie or something, too. I'd find a cool "basket" to hold it all and then I'd leave it out on the kitchen table or just outside his door the night before Easter after he'd go to bed. And then Easter morning we'd all wake up early and have French toast for breakfast while the booger went through all his candy and toys. And then his mom would come pick him up for the day and my brother and I would go over to my grandmother's house or spend the day with my dad.<br /><br />It's been 10 years since I've done any of that. Ten <span style="font-style: italic;">years</span>.<br /><br />And that saddens me.<br /><br />A lot.<br /><br />I just don't find much excitement on these type of days. I mean, I realize that holidays have much deeper meanings and whatnot, but that aside, it's usually a day when family comes together (in my family at least) and it's usually a day when the kids get to shine.<br /><br />And it's just hard that my kids don't get to shine because I don't have any kids.<br /><br />Crap.<br /><br />I'm sitting here typing this out and crying. So much so that I can hardly see the screen.<br /><br />I really thought things were going OK for me and this whole not-yet-getting-to-experience-being-a-mom thing. But I guess I was wrong.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-77553023320940515292009-04-10T18:45:00.002-05:002009-04-10T18:47:04.385-05:00Shhh I have a secret<span style="font-weight: bold;">NO </span>I'M <span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">NOT </span></span>PREGNANT.<br /><br />But I'm starting to cook more in the new kitchen. Check it out <a href="http://reciperomperoom.blogspot.com/">HERE</a>.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-4962498759335139462009-04-08T09:34:00.002-05:002009-04-08T09:41:56.178-05:00Ask, Believe, Receive?Yesterday I talked about needing a vacation, but also needing money to start planning said vacation.<br /><br />Last night, S checked his email and found one sitting there from the tax accountant. He's ready to e-file our taxes and needs us to sign the paperwork. We're getting a return. A pretty damn good one, too.<br /><br />Vacation <span style="font-size:78%;">(even if it's just a long weekend away)</span>, here we come!christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-44911649358240873922009-04-07T09:54:00.004-05:002009-04-07T10:00:23.749-05:00Some way. Some how.So we’re all moved in and pretty much unpacked. There are still a couple of boxes in the office and some right outside of our bedroom door, but those are all S’s shit that I just don’t know what to do with. I’ve done all that I can while he’s been coughing up a lung one weekend and with a fever the next.<br /><br />Now we’re ready for entertaining and I have to say I’m really looking forward to having people over again. It’s been years and I miss it. I get tired of always having to go out to everyone else’s place. So Easter will be our first time in several years – since before we got married – that we have someone over...My dad.<br /><br />It’s a start, right?<br /><br />I’m making lunch: Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Anise (fennel) salad.<br /><br />Unfortunately we’ll be eating on a folding card table because we haven’t yet found and purchased a dining set we like. We also need a table of sorts to place next to the couch by the entry way and hallway. It’s too bare. And while I like to keep things simple and clean, a small table would be perfect to place keys and mail on when we come home.<br /><br />Other than the apartment stuff that’s all I got.<br /><br />I took my temp this morning – begrudgingly. I’m just not feeling the whole TTC thing. Of course I still ache for a family, but what the fuck more can I do about it?!<br /><br />My skin has been looking great these days. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I was certain I had some skin disease or infection the other month.<br /><br />My cycles have been 27 days on the dot the past couple. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I had that 45+ one the other month.<br /><br />I don’t know. I’m super tired of so much lately. Super tired.<br /><br />I think I need to start planning a vacation or something. But that entails having money. Or at least a private jet or something.<br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />Some way, some how… right?<br /><br />Oh, and before I forget! I came across an amazing description of the... agony ... behind infertility and pregnancy loss. I encourage anyone to read <a href="http://artofbeinginfertile.blogspot.com/2009/03/above-by-hiroshi-sugimoto-b.html">THIS</a> but it will tug at your soul.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-3527324127576270902009-04-02T10:25:00.004-05:002009-04-02T10:46:57.327-05:00More control?After 10 months of grieving, I finally feel like I have control of my emotions again. And truthfully, that kind of scares me because now I'm wondering if a part of me hasn't just "accepted" that I just may never get pregnant again... that I just may never become the mom I dream of becoming.<br /><br />I get sad when I think of that - never becoming a mom. I do. In fact, I sit here and type this with tears in my eyes and a heavy feeling inside. Yet, I'm also "OK" with this and it's mainly because I just don't have a choice to <em>not</em> be OK with it.<br /><br />I'm going to be 37 this year. Yes, I know it's just a number. Yes, I know there are many women who have children well into their 40s. But I'm also obese and have high blood pressure. <br /><br />And I quit coloring my hair again. ;)<br /><br />Seriously, time really is not on my side and I fully understand and accept it because I just don't have another option when it comes to my age and having babies.<br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />While the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OPK's</span> didn't detect ovulation last cycle, the thermometer did. So that is a huge relief to me because at least I *am* still ovulating - something I wasn't very sure I was doing since the surgery. I think the plan for this cycle is to temp and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">FWAP</span> and pray... Pray, pray, pray that this will be our cycle and that we can welcome a baby in the new year.<br /><br />If I detect ovulation this cycle and if I <em>don't</em> manage to get k/u, I think I'm going back to the doctor. I just cannot continue going on like this until end of July - one year since the surgery. Because even if I do go back and they start testing everything, who knows how long we have to wait after that for some answers.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Blech</span>.<br /><br />S is totally on my side with this - as he should be. I think he's getting a little "tired" of the wait, too. He's getting more and more questions from his mom, from friends about when we're having kids and I think it's finally starting to wear on him, too.<br /><br />A part of me wants to shout it out that <em>YES! We ARE trying, we WERE pregnant but lost it, we WANT to become parents</em>... but... ugh. I don't want the pity, I don't want more questions.<br /><br />I just want to be a mom.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-35932269127993978972009-03-30T15:28:00.001-05:002009-03-30T15:33:34.390-05:00Today can be summed up in one tiny, but painful word:<br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-size:180%;">CRAMPS</span></div><br />I haz dem.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8221477683947980032.post-34407695273456737782009-03-28T11:54:00.004-05:002009-03-28T12:02:04.594-05:00What it isLast night I told S that I was either pregnant or was going to be getting my period soon. Duh, right?<br /><br />This morning I woke up, went pee, wiped and... onward we go to cycle 16.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cycle 16.</span><br /><br />Head, Desk, Pound.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS8AiTKwP8vQ8K51vlBrDnfcHFinTuqU8UBtUjG00m5CCMOyKgfm2S0Fv4WWx-ulB48qcXVAAi-dElIkog0isU360w05tQrbJ4iVao1r9rbQ9HVF_6CgY2r8o9gz-We29iG1cYZsXSWR_3/s1600-h/bang_head_here.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 264px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS8AiTKwP8vQ8K51vlBrDnfcHFinTuqU8UBtUjG00m5CCMOyKgfm2S0Fv4WWx-ulB48qcXVAAi-dElIkog0isU360w05tQrbJ4iVao1r9rbQ9HVF_6CgY2r8o9gz-We29iG1cYZsXSWR_3/s320/bang_head_here.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5318284254017695266" border="0" /></a><br />I'm not surprised by this cycle at all so while I find this image quite amusing and appropriate, I've certainly felt much worse in the past.<br /><br />It is what it is at this point. It is what it is.christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06184590181994446433noreply@blogger.com0