Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I had a significant temperature drop read on the ole basal thermometer this morning. I guess AF will be arriving at any moment. I guess that explains the horrid irritability lately. And the cramps and sore boobs and ridiculous gorging. I mean, why would any of those symptoms be equal to being pregnant? It's me, after all.

Another cycle down the drain.

I guess I'll be calling the doctor in the next day or two and asking for an appointment to discuss our next step. I cannot continue on like this until a year past the m/c date (end of July). I just can't keep playing the mind/heart/body games.

S said he'll go with me to the appointment.

I'm not going to lie and pretend like this all makes me happy. Obviously it doesn't. I mean, sure a part of me just wants to know something, just wants to have some sort of reason for the madness... but a bigger part of me is terrified to hear that it's the worst case scenario, that the one brief pregnancy I experienced was a fluke and it will never happen again.

Because then what? After this appointment, after the blood and semen and whatnot is tested, then what?

This just was not supposed to happen like this. I mean, I don't really know why I'm so fucking surprised that, once again, nothing in my life comes easy... yet I am. I know that should that day come when I get to be called Momma... this will ALL be worth it. I know that.

But what if that day never happens?

I do still have hope, I really really do... I just... UGH!!!!!


Angie said...

I think you're one hell of a woman to have gone this long the good old fashioned way, but you're absolutely right to go see your doctor. No one can keep up the optimism and "heart/mind/body games" for this long. I'll be thinking of you that day, for sure. You'll finally have some answers and you can take the next steps.

Anonymous said...

I think you are taking the right step. And it's great S is along for the journey with you. I'm so sorry sweetie -- I know this is not easy for you.

Espresso Mom said...

I'm thinking about you too, and I'm happy you'll finally get some answers from the doc.
But remember, it ain't over till the bitch rears her ugly head! This month is not yet a write off.


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