Thursday, March 5, 2009

March 5, 2009

So... yesterday. Ha!

Yesterday, S and I I looked at another apartment that was absolutely perfect. Good location, adorable building, fantastic space. It had "us" written all over it... except it stank like water had been sitting in there for 20 years and there was very little water pressure.

Another one bites the dust. :(

Prior to apartment hunting (we were supposed to see two places but of course the other one was rented an hour before we were to go see it), the shit sort of hit the fan with a group of friends. And by group of friends, I'm not talking a handful of college mates or something; I'm talking 55 women who've gathered from the area and created a private online forum to shoot the shit. Something we've done now for well over a year.

55 women.

Grown women.
From 20s to late 30s.
One year.
Got it?

Anyway...(I'm sure some are checking in here to see if I would post about it. Or not. Whatever, it's coolio) I wasn't going to write about it but writing out my feelings, as most of them should very well know by now, is what I do. Good or bad. Happy or sad... I write.

S told me last night- after I told him a 'shortened' version of the days events - that I have a way of keeping shit in until I explode. Yeah. I kinda do. And that's THE ONLY THING I'm sorry about. Not that anyone cares. Not that it matters.

I dunno. A part of me feels bad that things went down the way they did, but a bigger part of me is relieved. It's just too fucking hard for me to pretend to be OK with someone when I'm not. I mean, it's not that I hate *any* one or anything...
(I have little hatred - believe it or not - inside of me. Hate is just not a good emotion to carry around. It will age you and it will break you. Sometimes more than once. I've been broken due to anger, so I do know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, it's really stupid things really: one person was questioned about something pretty personal and pretty hard to talk about, and, in turn, that opened the door for that person to be talked about behind her back.


She got greatly offended, as did her minions. And now sides are asked to be taken.

While I truly can understand why someone would be incredibly hurt by the behind-the-back gossip, isn't that what happens with women? They gossip? And sometimes that gossip turns into nit-picking, utter bullshit? Isn't that what happens? Or am I totally off base here? Maybe I am! I'm not an expert. I've never been "the popular one" a day in my fucking life. And if I was, well, it's news to me!

I could give two fucking shits about what clothing is in, what car I should drive, what neighborhood I live in
(as long as the drunks keep their urine and vomit out of my path), whether or not I should color my hair, what trendy fucking restaurant I should frequent, what exotic destination I should tour. And neither should anyone else... especially someone in their 30s for fucks sake! Do what YOU want to do!

Sure it would hurt me and offend me if I found out some people were talking about me behind my back, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me and I would simply disconnect from said people. My god am I grateful I never had to deal with this fucking bullshit in my youth. I guess there really are benefits to being a loner!

I dunno.... I guess I had more to say than I thought because I feel like I'm begging my fingers to stop typing. I mean, what the fuck does any of this have to do with miscarriage and TTC and trying to move past the fact that my due date was supposed to be in five days?!


But here's the thing:
People are hurt. And I truly recognize and I truly, wholeheartedly feel bad about that. I don't take back anything I said - just maybe how it was said and where it was said and definitely what has transpired as a result.

Ugh. It's just... how do you tell some
one (out of a huge group of people) you don't trust them when the bottom line is that they aren't really doing anything outright to break your trust? How do you tell them that you find some of their stories to be a bit too dramatic and too far fetched? I mean, who the fuck am I to say that to someone? So you just try to ignore it and them and slowly start to separate yourself from them. At least that's what I try to do.

I'm not out to hurt anyone... just like they aren't.

But it's hard when you can't completely disconnect from them and can't completely ignore it. I get it, I do. That's what I blew up too!


Anyway... I said what I said and I think that enabled me to sleep like a baby last night! Oh man, it was so glorious! Granted I was awakened at 1:30 in the morning with killer fucking cramps and had to beg my husband to heat the heating pad and bring me pain meds, but as soon as the heating pad was wrapped around me and the meds started kicking in... off to sleepy-bye I went.

Yet somehow I'm tired again today. And the lines under my eyes?!? Oy vey! Not pretty. My age is finally catching up with me and starting to show... joyous!

I caught up with a shit load of work today and that felt really good, too.

But I had a big problem with my period.

*** TMI ahead TMI ahead TMI ahead ***

I bled like I haven't bled ever. And I know I say this every cycle but this was different. This had me in tears from fear. This had me *this close* to calling the doctor or going to the hospital.

The blood wouldn't stop coming. It was so heavy that when I went to the bathroom an hour after I got into work, two hours after inserting a tampon, the tampon came out as soon as I sat on the pot! I was flipping out. There was blood all over the front of my panties and onto my pants!!!! Thank GOD I was wearing black pants!! OMG the blood wouldn't stop coming. The discharge!! Fuck me! I've never seen anything like it and it made me wonder if I was miscarrying or something! I mean the cramps were atrocious, too, but nothing like that blood. I never ever want to see something like that again.

But I did - an hour later.


Yeah it's been a hellish day for me and dear Aunt Flo. The cunt.


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