Monday, April 13, 2009


So yesterday.

I couldn’t stop crying after I got finished typing yesterday’s post. I just couldn’t stop. My dad called right in the middle of it and, thankfully, didn’t notice how stuffed up I sounded. Then S woke up and went to the bathroom and when he came out, I went up to him to say good morning and he just looked at me and my puffy eyes and I sunk into his embrace.

I really REALLY thought I was moving forward. And I told him this, too.

We hugged for several minutes and it was time for me to start making Easter lunch for us and my dad.

The crying, the thinking stopped… for a little bit, at least.

My dad ended up staying for several hours. It was a very nice visit. We talked about what his next step is in regards to whether or not he’ll be renewing his current lease another year or moving into a retirement community. It’s a part of life, I guess. And at 76 and alone, my dad is in the place in his life when he needs to start thinking about all of this – apparently. And because I’m his only child living nearby, I’m the one that has to be part of this decision.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this though.

S and I should’ve already had a child by now and we should’ve been in a house of our own and we should be asking my dad to move in with us instead of a fucking retirement community. That’s the way this was supposed to go down.

But nothing has worked out as planned. Nothing.

And while I know these must be trying times for my dad, I can’t help but wonder what happens to the folks who never have children and therefore never have grandchildren or great grandchildren. How are the later years of their lives spent?


Anyway, after lunch and time with my dad, he left to visit his sister in law and her kids and grandkids while S and I headed over to my grandmother’s house where we just missed my sister and her youngest along with their grandchild. While I would’ve enjoyed seeing them all, a part of me was glad that I didn’t have to see a little one at all yesterday. Yeah, I’m a sick fuck sometimes.

During our visit with them, there were many conversations that revolved around children. A couple times S could be hear starting a sentence with, “My kids…” I smiled but inside thought, What if we don’t have children?


On our way home, his mom called and kept us company for the remainder of the trip home. S has a car where the phone is hooked up into the speakers of the car so that he’s completely hands-free. In other words I heard the entire conversation and several times, his mom referred to S as her “baby.”

It was quite endearing and really tugged at my heart and now recalling of this brings on the tears that won’t stop.


I'm just so, so, so tired.


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