OMG

My boobs feel like they're going to EXPLODE!!

:(

PMS? Or losing my mind?

Warning: The following post may contain some nasty language.

I have a killer headache.
And occasional cramps.
And constant motherfucking irritability.

But I still don't have my motherfucking period and I've taken three motherfucking HPT's and all have come back Negative.

WHAT
THE
FUCK

This is day 33 of my cycle. My average is about 27 days. This is the longest cycle since the first one following my d&c in late July. I can't take much more of the irritability. My husband can't take much more of it.

Give me my fucking period or a BFP already!

Dear lord, I was supposed to go to a baby shower today for a group of friends on the internet. I never said I would go, but still, I should've gone. How the fuck can I when it's for like seven pregnant girls? I mean, it's hard enough to go to a baby shower for one girl; I can't fathom going to one for more than one girl. Yes, everyone else around me is pregnant but me. I get it. I don't need to fucking submerge myself in that. Sure I'm being selfish, but oh the fuck well. I'm not going to put myself in a place where I will most likely revert back to my ugly days (following the d&c). Gah, and with the way I'm feeling today - like I could rip off someone's limbs as if they were a barbie doll - I'm thinking it's a good thing I never said I'd go. Can you imagine? Wow, I can. I think it would be the thing to put me over the edge.

Anyway. Yeah. Been avoiding this post like the plague all week because I was hoping for AF or a BFP by now. But neither have come and I have to get this shit out of me once and for all.

Cheerio.

PMS

I’m feeling like shit yet again – cramps, headache, my bra is super tight today… I’m so fucking sick of this.

I’m reminded of the time I first went to my doctor about a year and a half ago to tell him I wanted to go off the Pill and that we were going to TTC soon. I remember telling him that I was a bit apprehensive about it because the main reason I went on the Pill 15 years prior was because of the horrid PMS I would suffer. I told him about my concerns and asked if I could take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety pill if it came down to killing someone whilst off the Pill or not killing someone. We discussed it in great length and came to the understanding that I would go off the Pill when I was ready and go without any other medication, but that he would keep an eye on me. I remember how he told me that, oftentimes, women find that because they’re TTC, they’re more apt to eat better and stuff which may release some of the PMS symptoms from previous years. He also said that if it came down to it and I really felt I needed something, I could always come back and talk to him and he would put me on small doses and keep an eye on me… and if I were to become pregnant, I could be monitored closely and quite possibly stop taking the meds. He mentioned, also, that oftentimes symptoms or ailments we might endure pre-pregnancy will change or disappear once we become pregnant because our bodies have something else to do (read: grow a baby).

I remember coming out of that appointment feeling a bit more empowered than when I went in, and a little anxious, too. I was going to go off birth control. Finally at 35, I was going to try to fulfill me needs to become a mom. Wow was that an exciting time.

I remember ordering Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF) from Amazon two Christmases ago, along with some other books to give as gifts, and diving right into it as soon as it came. I read all about cervical mucous (CM), taking my temperature with a basal thermometer to track ovulation, etc. I learned so much from reading that book, and for the first time in my 35 years, I felt like a true woman. I was empowered and I was going to make a baby (with my husband of course).

That first couple of months were so nerve-wracking. I had so many questions about everything. The CM couldn’t come fast enough. Neither could three days of risen temps. And that 2WW? Forgetaboutit! Ack, time seemed to stand still! And every month AF inevitably showed up, I was prepared and ready for her because my temperature always took a significant dive. I knew what I was doing.

But then one month turned into several and people around me were getting pregnant, but we weren’t. I even tried ovulation sticks one month. And just as I was about to give up, guess what happened? Yup, a BFP. I was beyond elated. But I don’t need to go down that lane again (though you can always read more about that in that blog).

Blah, blah, blah… Anyway, my point to this little post was that I think I need to go back to my doctor and get him to prescribe me something. An anti-depressant or something. The PMS is killing me lately. I just don’t have that excitement I had last year. This isn’t new anymore. The cramps, the backache, the headache, the bloating, the irritability… it’s all getting to be too much again. I’m about ready to snap someone’s arm off their body. Or ram into their car. Or trip them going down the stairs. I’m sick of feeling like this. I need some drugs.
Or a baby, of course. ;)

I changed my mind

I don't think I'm pregnant.
I think I'm suffering from a horrific case of PMS.
I feel so completely overwhelmed with irritability right now - and for no fucking reason.
I feel like I could snap at any moment.
I'm almost ready to call a doctor, I'm so edgy right now.
And of course, couple that with cramps and burning/sore boobs and ... LOOK OUT!

Grrrrr.

Confession time

I've been cramping on and off for over a week. Today my boobs are hurting so much, they're burning a bit.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I think I might be... pregnant. It's not impossible for it to happen, after all, and it's something we're definitely wanting to happen again.

I actually broke down to Stephen the other night - about a week ago, I think. He was in the other room on the computer and I was laying on the couch with one of the cats feeling really shitty. I called out to him and asked him to come over to me and before he reached me, I had tears in my eyes and I told him, "I'm terrified, but I think I might be pregnant."

He looked at me and saw that I was crying.

"I'm scared to death, baby," I continued, "because I'm afraid I might be pregnant and I'm afraid I'm not pregnant."

"That's deep," he said, trying to make me laugh.

He sat down next to me and held me for a minute and said, "It's OK to be afraid, but you can't stop living because you're afraid and you can't stop trying to get pregnant because you're afraid. You have to just do it."

He was absolutely right. It *is* OK to be afraid, but just because you're afraid doesn't mean you don't try.

I'm so grateful to be married to his man who loves me so much.

So the rest of the week and the weekend, I've been getting more and more cramps and my boobs have gotten sorer and sorer until this morning when I could barely move they hurt so bad. Just like when I was pregnant.

I realize that these are PMS symptoms (for me at least), but ever since the d&c, I haven't had any cramping or sore boobs prior to getting my period... and now I'm getting them tenfold?!? You can see why I might think I'm pregnant!

I, of course, want to be pregnant again... and up until I spoke with my wonderful husband about my fears, I was terrified of being pregnant again. But not anymore. I'm ready for this. I'm ready for pregnancy. And I'm beyond ready for motherhood.

But like I told Stephen last night, "I'm gonna be hella pissed if I end up getting my period after all this cramping and sore boobs!" What a tease!

For today and the rest of the week, I'm going to keep my eye on the prize and hope that Thanksgiving gives us something to be truly thankful for...

WTF?

So ever since the fucking D and C, my periods have come from nowhere (PMS symptoms of sore boobs and cramping have disappeared) and have been heavier, longer, and more painful than ever before.

WTF is that all about?

Not only can I not tell when I'm getting it these days, but when I do get it, it's practically debilitating. Today is day four of heavy bleeding, horrible cramping, and painful backaches.

This fucking sucks. Not only did I lose a pregnancy, but now I have to have worse periods than ever before. Uh huh, makes perfect sense to me.

TGIF

I didn't sleep well last night. I've got consistent cramps and lots of bleeding. And I stupidly didn't use tampons because I didn't think I was supposed to for my first period after the surgery. I don't know why I thought that and even S told me to just use them, but I didn't. So the bleeding and the cramps were pretty hard to deal with whilst sleeping and I actually woke up crying because I thought I had bled everywhere!

How old am I again?

Ugh. Today I'm wearing tampons. Fuck pads. I can't believe I went a good twenty years of menstruating with pads! I can't believe I didn't start wearing tampons until just about five or six years ago?! I don't know how I did it!

Anyway, enough of that.

S told me yesterday that I sounded better. He said I sounded like the sweet girl he fell in love with and married. Yeah, I've been pretty miserable the past month. First I had to deal with the loss, then the surgery, then healing. Then I apparently had horrid PMS... so much so that I apparently turn into a different person and actually sound different.

I believe him, too, because oddly I feel better about us today. I'm ashamed to admit that the last couple of weeks, I actually thought that I could leave my husband and just be by myself for the rest of my life!

Ack, it's just good to be back to me again and it's good that it's finally Friday!

Desperately seeking: Peace

Four weeks ago, my boobies hurt and felt like they were growing bigger and bigger every second... my tummy was queasy... I still felt like a mom-to-be... BUT BUT BUT we were on our way to the hospital.

UGH.

I don't really want to revisit those memories. Feel free to read all about it in my other blog.

Anyway, it's been four weeks exactly since it officially ended.

I still don't have my period.

And I will *not* POAS. I don't even want to.

I'm extremely irritable and bitchy. So I'm sure AF will show up any moment. I can't wait. My H can't wait. When the whore shows up, it means some peace in our home... in my head.

No motivation

I'm not sure what's going on exactly, but I can't find much motivation to do... well... anything lately. :( It's getting quite sad.

I'm so fat, but I can't find the strength to do something about. I eat like shit because I just don't give a shit. I can't exercise because I'm too fat. It's a horrible, vicious cycle that people don't really comprehend unless they've been at this weight. Hell, I used to think "move!" and you'll lose some weight but when you're as heavy as I've gotten, just "moving" can be difficult.

I don't know if I care to try to get pregnant again. Of course, I will still have sex because I love sex. But, right now, I just don't give a shit if I get pregnant. Frankly, I'd much rather look into adoption at this point... all I want is to mother a child. I don't give a shit if it's biologically my own. I just want to mother.

This probably all means that I'm still not over the loss. Who knows. It's been almost four weeks and I've accepted it and I can even talk about it without breaking down... so I *think* I'm over it.

Maybe this is all PMS. I do get like this - moody, depressed, unmotivated - when I have PMS. But I have no idea if I'm PMSing because I don't have any other "normal" symptoms I used to get - the cramps, the bloating, the sore boobs... basically the same "symptoms" I had when I got knocked up.

I need something to look forward to... something positive and good that I can focus my energy on. But I don't really have anything. Sure my birthday is a week and a half away but at my age and with my history of having "nothing special" birthdays, it's nothing to look forward to. Believe me. Besides, I'm talking something long term to look forward to... something like a vacation or something.

Blah.

I wish I could start writing again... focus my energy on creating a character and a life for that character. But I have NO motivation.

God, I really hope this is all just PMS.

Please let this be PMS.

If it's PMS, it'll pass.

And I want these feelings to pass.

Desperately.

Blech

I'm not sure what it is about Sunday nights, but I slept like ass again last night. It must be the excitement over starting a new week at work. Right.

I had a pretty shitty day overall yesterday. I really pray that I'm getting my period and this is PMS because if it's not PMS, if it's about having anger issues and a complete and utter lack of patience... then I'm in trouble. And so is my marriage.

And that fucking sucks.

Happy Monday.