Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ugly Ugly UGLY

So this is one of those blog posts not meant for the reader so much as it's meant to get it out of my head! I'm in a very selfish place with this and the language, among other things, is embarrassing. But it's where I'm at right now. Unfortunately.

It’s happening again… the anger.

I’m so motherfucking upset with myself right now because of it.

How could I let myself get sucked in again? Into the hope that I will one day become a mother?

What the motherfucking shit was I thinking?

It’s so obvious that I’ve done something, apparently, to disable me from procreating. I mean, what else can there be? I’m 36 for fucks sake. If it’s not going to happen now… when then? And why do I have to wait this long?

Before I can be Graced with the gift of a child?


Honestly this is where I am right now and it frightens the shit out of me; the anger is consuming my every fucking thought. I hate this side of me. With a motherfucking passion.

I’m on day 37 of the longest cycle of my life. Are you fucking kidding me? This month has been fucking horrific. What the fuck kind of way to ring in the motherfucking new year but with weeks of cramps and irritability?! And why not throw in a several negative HPT’s? And for shits and giggles, let’s add a handful of pregnancy announcements – from others, of course? Why not? Why not just get on out there with a shovel and dig my hole a little fucking deeper, too?

Why? Why, why, why?

I need ... something … to help me understand this. WHY?


Angie said...

I wish I had something worth saying. ::hugs::

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