Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I’m feeling like shit yet again – cramps, headache, my bra is super tight today… I’m so fucking sick of this.

I’m reminded of the time I first went to my doctor about a year and a half ago to tell him I wanted to go off the Pill and that we were going to TTC soon. I remember telling him that I was a bit apprehensive about it because the main reason I went on the Pill 15 years prior was because of the horrid PMS I would suffer. I told him about my concerns and asked if I could take an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety pill if it came down to killing someone whilst off the Pill or not killing someone. We discussed it in great length and came to the understanding that I would go off the Pill when I was ready and go without any other medication, but that he would keep an eye on me. I remember how he told me that, oftentimes, women find that because they’re TTC, they’re more apt to eat better and stuff which may release some of the PMS symptoms from previous years. He also said that if it came down to it and I really felt I needed something, I could always come back and talk to him and he would put me on small doses and keep an eye on me… and if I were to become pregnant, I could be monitored closely and quite possibly stop taking the meds. He mentioned, also, that oftentimes symptoms or ailments we might endure pre-pregnancy will change or disappear once we become pregnant because our bodies have something else to do (read: grow a baby).

I remember coming out of that appointment feeling a bit more empowered than when I went in, and a little anxious, too. I was going to go off birth control. Finally at 35, I was going to try to fulfill me needs to become a mom. Wow was that an exciting time.

I remember ordering Taking Charge of Your Fertility (TCOYF) from Amazon two Christmases ago, along with some other books to give as gifts, and diving right into it as soon as it came. I read all about cervical mucous (CM), taking my temperature with a basal thermometer to track ovulation, etc. I learned so much from reading that book, and for the first time in my 35 years, I felt like a true woman. I was empowered and I was going to make a baby (with my husband of course).

That first couple of months were so nerve-wracking. I had so many questions about everything. The CM couldn’t come fast enough. Neither could three days of risen temps. And that 2WW? Forgetaboutit! Ack, time seemed to stand still! And every month AF inevitably showed up, I was prepared and ready for her because my temperature always took a significant dive. I knew what I was doing.

But then one month turned into several and people around me were getting pregnant, but we weren’t. I even tried ovulation sticks one month. And just as I was about to give up, guess what happened? Yup, a BFP. I was beyond elated. But I don’t need to go down that lane again (though you can always read more about that in that blog).

Blah, blah, blah… Anyway, my point to this little post was that I think I need to go back to my doctor and get him to prescribe me something. An anti-depressant or something. The PMS is killing me lately. I just don’t have that excitement I had last year. This isn’t new anymore. The cramps, the backache, the headache, the bloating, the irritability… it’s all getting to be too much again. I’m about ready to snap someone’s arm off their body. Or ram into their car. Or trip them going down the stairs. I’m sick of feeling like this. I need some drugs.
Or a baby, of course. ;)


Amy (peanutsmom) said...

Think about you often... I have a friend who does one of the anti-depressants two weeks out of a cycle. She has major problems with depression/anxiety as she gets pms. I'm not sure which one but I'll check. take care hon!

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