Sunday, January 11, 2009

Getting on track

So once again it's been awhile. I guess that means things have been OK. And they have... for the most part.

My little meltdowns have gotten smaller and smaller and just not as significant. Apparently. I'm not as angry or jealous. That's not to say that there's no anger or jealousy because believe me, there most certainly is; it just doesn't seem to consume me as much lately. Thankfully.

I bought something for myself just before Christmas. Something to maybe help us along in this hideous game of trying to conceive. It's called Fertile-Focus and it's a tiny magnifying glass that takes a drop of your saliva and tells you - by way of looking through tiny scope and observing the patterns of your saliva - if you're ovulating. I've been using it since just before the new year and according to what I'm supposed to be looking for, I still haven't ovulated. So now I'm not sure if the damn thing works. I figured it was worth a shot and the $30 because unlike ovulation prediction kits/sticks, this Fertility Focus is something you can use as often as you want. I figured it was cheaper to go this route but now I'm not sure I didn't just throw away $30.


Anyway... I guess my point is that I'm ready to try and track things again. Poo. I really didn't want it to come back down to tracking shit, but I suppose it's best to be as knowledgeable about my cycles as possible for my next doctor's appointment. It's been six months since the miscarriage, after all. (I've been charting by way of Excel spreadsheet when my period et al comes, but I have NOT been temping or being very anal about it all.)

Can I just say how much this fucking sucks, though?! Because it does. Because all those people who preached (and still do today) for me (and others) to "Just Relax and you'll get Pregnant" were apparently wrong. Apparently not really giving a shit about my cycle hasn't really helped me conceive any sooner than caring about it did. So there! Now I can tell you to Shut the Fuck Up when you start telling me to relax again. Not that you'll have a real reason to tell me to relax since I never ever talk about TTC anymore.

I find that not really talking about it (on message boards as that's really the only place I talked about it) and not really paying much attention (or at least *trying* not to pay attention) to all the baby talk out there, has helped me let go of some of the ugliness that consumed me for so long. But it's not easy. I still have my moments when I get all teary eyed, when I feel like it's happening for everyone else but me. I still get angry and jealous and even ugly about it all. But I've learned to somehow accept those feelings when they come for what they are and then do my best to move on. I mean, what other choice do I have really? It's either drown myself in the ugliness to the point where it's who I am (again) or do my best to let it go.

And I like myself a lot more when I do the latter.


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