Gah

My nephew called me about an hour ago. He said he had some news: He's going to be a Uncle.

I'm not surprised by the news (because I saw the announcment on Myspace) but I acted surprised nonetheless. At least I didn't feel like I was being punched in the stomach when he told me so I guess that's one benefit of seeing it on Myspace, eh. Yeah, so his sister's pregnant. She's 21 and will be 22 when the baby is due. She just lost her job and was recently in a car accident so she was pretty freaked out, apparently, when she found out she's pregnant.

Oh, and she has one ovary.

Of course a girl with no job, with a lot of debt, and with ONE ovary is able to get pregnant. Of course. Why not? She, after all, probably wasn't taking her first waking temperature, tracking her cervical mucus, etc. She, after all, probably doesn't even know anything about ovulation or anything much about what some women go through to conceive. Nope. But she's pregnant. (And I'm sure a lot would say it's because she didn't think about conceiving. Fuck off if that's your thought.)

Apparently she was so freaked out over being knocked up that she wanted to abort but my nephew, supposedly, talked her out of it.

And now my 16 year old nephew is going to be an uncle.

And I'm going to be a Great Aunt.

Again.

That means that my ex-sister-in-law will be a grandmother at the age of 37. That makes me laugh. She had her daughter, the one that's pg, when she was 16. That's why she'll be such a young grammie.

And while that makes me laugh for a minute, it makes me sad, too. That poor excuse of a mother is going to be a grandmother at 37, and at 36, I'm still not even a Mom.

Gah!

I guess I should just be happy I don't have a headache today.

About yesterday

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I kind of figured it would be a little rough at times, but it just sucks nonetheless. It was my great-niece's 2nd birthday, and my niece (mom of great-niece) and her mom and step-dad threw a big party for the little Princess Rugrat. :)


At first, I was just really enjoying seeing my little Great-niece and marveling over how much she has learned and how much she absorbs throughout the day. She's an angel, that one, and my niece has no clue how lucky she is.

I remember when my niece was her daughter's age and she was nothing like her in that this little girl is such an incredibly well behaved child. She says Thank You without being coached, she does what is asked of her without throwing a tantrum, and she's just a joy to be around. Not that my niece wasn't a joy to be around... she just wasn't as well-behaved as this one.


I found myself getting a bit choked up at times when I watched her be 2, but the hard part came with the questions/comments: It's your turn now... When are you two having one?... Did you hear that (my SIL) is pregnant?

I realized I spent a lot of time yesterday avoiding eye contact with both the adults and the children. How sad is that?!? I couldn't look into the eyes of the kids because they seriously would melt my heart. I would instantly ache inside and my eyes would instantly well up... so I just wouldn't look into their eyes... the eyes of the most pure innocence there is. And I found I couldn't look into the eyes of the adults because they would start talking about their kids, about being parents, or asking questions about when we would have children.

:(

And now as I type this I realize that aside from my niece's one girlfriend who is 19, my husband and I were the ONLY adults at the party that didn't have children.

Granted that's not a reason to have children - to fit in, but my god is it hard to be submerged in a party atmosphere where you - someone who wants to be a Mom more than anything - are the only non-mother in the room.

Whatever.

I can hear the Charlie Brown (Wah, wah wah wah, wah wah, wah Wah!) comments now: It'll happen... You'll be the best mom and it'll be worth the wait... Your time is coming, you'll see... Don't worry so much... You were already pregnant once so you know you'll get pregnant again.

I get it, I do. And I believe it will happen, too. It's just so fucking hard sometimes.


I got stuck sitting next to one of my aunts yesterday and she not only asked when we would be having kids, but proceeded to tell me that it would happen when I least expected it and that she wasn't even trying to have kids and she had two of them and that her daughter-in-law just suffered another miscarriage and as it turns out she had a natural miscarriage and then two weeks later had to have her other fallopian tube removed because lo and behold she was actually pregnant with twins but they didn't know (!!) and they luckily have two of her eggs frozen from when they first tried IVF and thank god they at least have their one-year old Addi in the meantime. Yes, I believe she told me all of that in one breath.

And while I simply cannot imagine what my cousin in law is going through with her surgeries and whatnot, they are at least blessed with one child already.

I don't have any children.

I am not a mom.

I am not going to be a mom anytime soon.

It's something I have to realize every fucking day of my life. And it's something I have to somehow live with and accept because who knows what tomorrow may bring? So while it may seem like I'm unable to move on, there's a reason for that: I'm still not a parent.


I tried talking to my husband again regarding all of this and regarding when we might look into other options. Personally, I don't really want to look into IVF; I'd rather just looking into adoption. But he refuses to talk to me about it. He shuts down. He tells me that it hasn't been that long and asks why we can't keep trying the old fashioned way. And I tell him that that is fine, that I want to keep trying but that I just want to know of a time when we can start looking into other options... Like we go one more year and if no pregnancy by November 09, we look into IVF or adoption.

And he won't respond.

I finally had to tell him last night that while he's turning 33, I'm 36 already and while that's only 3.5 years difference between us, it's a huge difference when it comes to parenting, in my opinion. If I was 33, I would probably say let's keep trying until 35. But I have NO DESIRE to keep trying until I'm 38! I do NOT want to be giving birth at 40. Why can't he respect that?!?!

And, more importantly, why can't he at least give me SOMETHING? At least tell me if you would want to look into IVF, Adoption, or Nothing. Give me something to look forward to because this taking things day by day is fucking killing me!

Blech.

Yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day for me, but I've certainly had worse. I just have to remember that I am blessed in so many other ways because I truly truly am. Life really is pretty damn good most days.

Heavy stuff

I've seen the inside of hospitals more over the past two years than I care to ever see again.

My dad got to ride in a fancy ambulance yesterday.

He was crossing the street to wait for the bus and somehow lost his footing. At first, his right hand stopped his fall but as he felt a ton of pain, he lifted his right hand up and kissed the concrete with his face, nose first. His left hand, after all, was too busy protecting the onions, plums, and tomatoes he just purchased at the grocery store.

He called me from the ambulance about an hour before my work day was originally supposed to come to an end. I left right away because we've had horrendous flooding and I had no idea how long it would take me to get to the hospital.

When I arrived, he was getting an MRI on his head.

Four hours later, we finally left the hospital and dear old Daddio is now the proud owner of 13 stitches in the palm of his hand (ouch!), and a big old cut in his nose along with some scratches.
He's OK. He's fine. He's just... not getting any younger and completely and utterly alone.

And yesterday was just another reminder of that.

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In other news, I'm meeting up with my nephew's big sister tomorrow for dinner. She contacted me last week about my nephew... reaching out to me because she doesn't know what she's supposed to do about him.

She's worried, she knows I'm worried, and she's hoping I can provide some answers, some help.

She's not my biological niece, but I still consider her my niece - even though it's been over 10 years since we've sat down and had a meal together.

I just hope I can give her some guidance to helpfully help out my nephew.

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This is all pretty heavy...and I suppose it all can be more 'reasons' why I'm not yet a mom or mom-to-be yet.