Thursday, January 29, 2009


I really don't want to become That person. You know, the one that everyone whispers about behind her back? The one that everyone walks on eggshells around? The one that everyone feels pity for? But I feel like, with every passing day, I'm becoming That person. And it sucks.

I sent an email to my cousin today to let her know that I was having a bad day. We've sort of lost contact with one another ever since the d&c. She stopped emailing me and I shut completely down. I'm better now in regards to the loss, but I still don't like reaching out. I thought today would be the day to do so. Nothing too elaborate, just an "I'm having a shitty day because I'm still not pregnant while everyone else around me is and I'm the longest cycle of my month" type of email.

But instead of sending it to her, I sent it to her sister-in-law.

I thought my heart was going to fly out from my chest, through my mouth. Honestly. I felt so sick when I realized I hit SEND and off it was going to my other cousin's wife instead of the cousin intended.

Instantly I sent another email begging that she ignore the email, that it was sent to her in error. But let's be realistic, people: I know I'd read it!

So now two more people will know that I'm not pregnant even though I want to be.


Nothing like opening the door even more to becoming That person.


But here's the ironic thing about this little escapade. I was thinking earlier that it might just be time for me to share my troubles with a couple other people in the family. And I was thinking this because I know people are talking behind my back: Don't they want kids? I always thought she would make such a good mother. I can't believe they don't have kids yet! She's no spring chicken.

So maybe I sent the damn email on purpose, subconsciously?


Anyway it's been a truly rough day for me emotionally. I've come to terms again that I've got so much anger inside and it's scary. I see it in my driving, I feel it in my thoughts. I don't like this side of me at all. It's not healthy whatsoever. And it's so very, very draining, not to mention completely unfair to everyone around me!

I think a lot of this has to do with fear. Fear of getting pregnant again and losing it. Fear of not getting pregnant again. Fear of not becoming a Mom. Fear of getting yet another BFN. And this long ass cycle just isn't helping because now it's adding to the fear of being pre-menopausal since I'm at 'that age'.

Yup. I'm at That age and I'm becoming That person. Fanfuckingtastic!


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