Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Update take II

I guess I changed my mind - yet again.

Rather than make this blog private (at this time), I think I'm just going to take a break for a bit.

I'm OK (so no worries!), just ... tired.

Cheerio until next time, yo.

Friday, April 24, 2009

A BLOG-related decision

I'm a pretty private person and that's mainly because I have major trust issues. Most people that know me, know this. That said, when it came to this blog, I didn't want it to be private. This is the second blog that's completely me... but really, it's just an extension of the first blog - the BFP blog. Anyway, in the past, I've always blogged my thoughts and whatnot, but I changed names and locations and never revealed *anything* that could be related back to it belonging to me... I'm not aiming to hurt anyone after all. My purpose when blogging is therapeutic.

Enough rambling though.

My point to this post is to let you, the reader (like all three of you), know that I'm going private.

I thought of going private about a month ago when a buttload of internet peeps and myself got into a tiff, but decided against it because ... well, because this is my blog and there's information here, particularly about dealing with miscarriage and loss and grieving, that I *want* to share with people who need a glimpse into something like that.

But I think I'm done with all that.

It was cool while it lasted, but I'm done. I can either create a brand new blog and make that one private or falsify like others in the past or I could make this one private. I'm not starting over so I'm choosing the latter.

If you want to continue to read, please just subscribe by following the directions provided by blogger once I make the change. If you're just a nosey lurker, fuck you.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday again. I had a killer headache all day and stopped to get something to drown my sorrows into -- a huge bag of Jays BBQ chips and chocolate chip cookies. After gorging on the chips - the entire bloody bag - I took a nap (turns out I didn't have everything I needed to make the cookies).

While I drifted off it dawned on me that I need help. If I was a drinker, I probably would've gotten drunk last night. If I was a pot smoker, I probably would've gotten stoned. Instead I just eat. And eat and eat and eat.

It's no wonder I'm obese.

It's nights like last night when I realize that I'm very slowly killing myself with the toxic foods I gorge on at times.

How sick is that? Really, how fucking sick is that?

There are people in much worse shape than me in this world. People with much graver lives and problems than mine... and here I am eating myself to death.

::shakes head::

I told S that maybe I need to go see an infertility therapist or something. He said, "can't we just have more sex?"

I need him to come to terms that there is a possibility that this is not going to happen for us. I really need him to acknowledge that - and I told him this last night. But he won't give in to that. Instead, he insists that he needs me not to give up hope.

::takes deep breath in::

And that's when I spilled the beans on what's been bothering me the most lately: Fear. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up again only to be crushed again like I was last July.

"Remember how positive I was last July?" I cried to S. "I had no doubts about that pregnancy and then he took it all away from me."

I cried and cried.

"I don't think I can live through that again," I whispered.

"But you can't give up all hope," he told me. And I know he's right. And I haven't given up ALL hope. But I'm a little more realistic this time around because... well... there's a reason I still haven't gotten pregnant, I believe.


I've been doing some research and I think my luteal phase is too short. Prior to getting pregnant it was 10 days which is right at the cusp of being long enough and not long enough. Lately, it seems it's been about 8 days. If that's the case, if the problem is that my LP is too short, I think it's fixable.

See, I still have *some* hope that I can be fixed.

I'm not a doctor though... but I'm planning to call one this afternoon.

I hate this shit. I just really hate this fucking shit.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I had a significant temperature drop read on the ole basal thermometer this morning. I guess AF will be arriving at any moment. I guess that explains the horrid irritability lately. And the cramps and sore boobs and ridiculous gorging. I mean, why would any of those symptoms be equal to being pregnant? It's me, after all.

Another cycle down the drain.

I guess I'll be calling the doctor in the next day or two and asking for an appointment to discuss our next step. I cannot continue on like this until a year past the m/c date (end of July). I just can't keep playing the mind/heart/body games.

S said he'll go with me to the appointment.

I'm not going to lie and pretend like this all makes me happy. Obviously it doesn't. I mean, sure a part of me just wants to know something, just wants to have some sort of reason for the madness... but a bigger part of me is terrified to hear that it's the worst case scenario, that the one brief pregnancy I experienced was a fluke and it will never happen again.

Because then what? After this appointment, after the blood and semen and whatnot is tested, then what?

This just was not supposed to happen like this. I mean, I don't really know why I'm so fucking surprised that, once again, nothing in my life comes easy... yet I am. I know that should that day come when I get to be called Momma... this will ALL be worth it. I know that.

But what if that day never happens?

I do still have hope, I really really do... I just... UGH!!!!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The next step

I've had several ... breakdowns lately. For the most part, I'm dealing but every so often, I just kind of lose it.

S and I have talked and we've come to a decision: If this cycle doesn't leave me with a BFP, I'm calling the doctor and scheduling an appointment for the "next step" in all of this.


I'm just too old and too tired to continue on with this month to month bullshit of trying to get pregnant when everyone else around me gets pregnant and pops out babies at the drop of a hat.

I hate who I've become since the miscarriage. I really and truly hate it. I'm too bitter, too sad, too angry. And it's not fair to anyone, especially myself. I deserve more than this. My husband deserves more than this. My family and friends do, too.

Monday, April 13, 2009


So yesterday.

I couldn’t stop crying after I got finished typing yesterday’s post. I just couldn’t stop. My dad called right in the middle of it and, thankfully, didn’t notice how stuffed up I sounded. Then S woke up and went to the bathroom and when he came out, I went up to him to say good morning and he just looked at me and my puffy eyes and I sunk into his embrace.

I really REALLY thought I was moving forward. And I told him this, too.

We hugged for several minutes and it was time for me to start making Easter lunch for us and my dad.

The crying, the thinking stopped… for a little bit, at least.

My dad ended up staying for several hours. It was a very nice visit. We talked about what his next step is in regards to whether or not he’ll be renewing his current lease another year or moving into a retirement community. It’s a part of life, I guess. And at 76 and alone, my dad is in the place in his life when he needs to start thinking about all of this – apparently. And because I’m his only child living nearby, I’m the one that has to be part of this decision.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this though.

S and I should’ve already had a child by now and we should’ve been in a house of our own and we should be asking my dad to move in with us instead of a fucking retirement community. That’s the way this was supposed to go down.

But nothing has worked out as planned. Nothing.

And while I know these must be trying times for my dad, I can’t help but wonder what happens to the folks who never have children and therefore never have grandchildren or great grandchildren. How are the later years of their lives spent?


Anyway, after lunch and time with my dad, he left to visit his sister in law and her kids and grandkids while S and I headed over to my grandmother’s house where we just missed my sister and her youngest along with their grandchild. While I would’ve enjoyed seeing them all, a part of me was glad that I didn’t have to see a little one at all yesterday. Yeah, I’m a sick fuck sometimes.

During our visit with them, there were many conversations that revolved around children. A couple times S could be hear starting a sentence with, “My kids…” I smiled but inside thought, What if we don’t have children?


On our way home, his mom called and kept us company for the remainder of the trip home. S has a car where the phone is hooked up into the speakers of the car so that he’s completely hands-free. In other words I heard the entire conversation and several times, his mom referred to S as her “baby.”

It was quite endearing and really tugged at my heart and now recalling of this brings on the tears that won’t stop.


I'm just so, so, so tired.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Sunday

With every passing holiday, I realize how much older I'm getting. Not sure if that makes sense really, but I seem to get kind of down on holidays and as pathetic as it sounds, I think it's because I'm still childless.

At least when I was living with my brother and helping him take care of his son, I had the innocence of a child to occupy my time and thoughts and energy... especially on holidays.

I used to love getting ready for holidays. For Easter, in particular, I'd go out and stock up on a couple of the kid's favorite candies and get him something cool like a new movie or something, too. I'd find a cool "basket" to hold it all and then I'd leave it out on the kitchen table or just outside his door the night before Easter after he'd go to bed. And then Easter morning we'd all wake up early and have French toast for breakfast while the booger went through all his candy and toys. And then his mom would come pick him up for the day and my brother and I would go over to my grandmother's house or spend the day with my dad.

It's been 10 years since I've done any of that. Ten years.

And that saddens me.

A lot.

I just don't find much excitement on these type of days. I mean, I realize that holidays have much deeper meanings and whatnot, but that aside, it's usually a day when family comes together (in my family at least) and it's usually a day when the kids get to shine.

And it's just hard that my kids don't get to shine because I don't have any kids.


I'm sitting here typing this out and crying. So much so that I can hardly see the screen.

I really thought things were going OK for me and this whole not-yet-getting-to-experience-being-a-mom thing. But I guess I was wrong.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Shhh I have a secret


But I'm starting to cook more in the new kitchen. Check it out HERE.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Ask, Believe, Receive?

Yesterday I talked about needing a vacation, but also needing money to start planning said vacation.

Last night, S checked his email and found one sitting there from the tax accountant. He's ready to e-file our taxes and needs us to sign the paperwork. We're getting a return. A pretty damn good one, too.

Vacation (even if it's just a long weekend away), here we come!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Some way. Some how.

So we’re all moved in and pretty much unpacked. There are still a couple of boxes in the office and some right outside of our bedroom door, but those are all S’s shit that I just don’t know what to do with. I’ve done all that I can while he’s been coughing up a lung one weekend and with a fever the next.

Now we’re ready for entertaining and I have to say I’m really looking forward to having people over again. It’s been years and I miss it. I get tired of always having to go out to everyone else’s place. So Easter will be our first time in several years – since before we got married – that we have someone over...My dad.

It’s a start, right?

I’m making lunch: Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Anise (fennel) salad.

Unfortunately we’ll be eating on a folding card table because we haven’t yet found and purchased a dining set we like. We also need a table of sorts to place next to the couch by the entry way and hallway. It’s too bare. And while I like to keep things simple and clean, a small table would be perfect to place keys and mail on when we come home.

Other than the apartment stuff that’s all I got.

I took my temp this morning – begrudgingly. I’m just not feeling the whole TTC thing. Of course I still ache for a family, but what the fuck more can I do about it?!

My skin has been looking great these days. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I was certain I had some skin disease or infection the other month.

My cycles have been 27 days on the dot the past couple. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I had that 45+ one the other month.

I don’t know. I’m super tired of so much lately. Super tired.

I think I need to start planning a vacation or something. But that entails having money. Or at least a private jet or something.


Some way, some how… right?

Oh, and before I forget! I came across an amazing description of the... agony ... behind infertility and pregnancy loss. I encourage anyone to read THIS but it will tug at your soul.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

More control?

After 10 months of grieving, I finally feel like I have control of my emotions again. And truthfully, that kind of scares me because now I'm wondering if a part of me hasn't just "accepted" that I just may never get pregnant again... that I just may never become the mom I dream of becoming.

I get sad when I think of that - never becoming a mom. I do. In fact, I sit here and type this with tears in my eyes and a heavy feeling inside. Yet, I'm also "OK" with this and it's mainly because I just don't have a choice to not be OK with it.

I'm going to be 37 this year. Yes, I know it's just a number. Yes, I know there are many women who have children well into their 40s. But I'm also obese and have high blood pressure.

And I quit coloring my hair again. ;)

Seriously, time really is not on my side and I fully understand and accept it because I just don't have another option when it comes to my age and having babies.


While the OPK's didn't detect ovulation last cycle, the thermometer did. So that is a huge relief to me because at least I *am* still ovulating - something I wasn't very sure I was doing since the surgery. I think the plan for this cycle is to temp and FWAP and pray... Pray, pray, pray that this will be our cycle and that we can welcome a baby in the new year.

If I detect ovulation this cycle and if I don't manage to get k/u, I think I'm going back to the doctor. I just cannot continue going on like this until end of July - one year since the surgery. Because even if I do go back and they start testing everything, who knows how long we have to wait after that for some answers.


S is totally on my side with this - as he should be. I think he's getting a little "tired" of the wait, too. He's getting more and more questions from his mom, from friends about when we're having kids and I think it's finally starting to wear on him, too.

A part of me wants to shout it out that YES! We ARE trying, we WERE pregnant but lost it, we WANT to become parents... but... ugh. I don't want the pity, I don't want more questions.

I just want to be a mom.

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