Today can be summed up in one tiny, but painful word:

CRAMPS

I haz dem.

What it is

Last night I told S that I was either pregnant or was going to be getting my period soon. Duh, right?

This morning I woke up, went pee, wiped and... onward we go to cycle 16.

Cycle 16.

Head, Desk, Pound.



I'm not surprised by this cycle at all so while I find this image quite amusing and appropriate, I've certainly felt much worse in the past.

It is what it is at this point. It is what it is.

My husband

He's had this awful cough now for about a week. He's tried three different cough medicines, an allergy med, and even some inhaler thing -- all over the counter, almost all recommended by a pharmacist. He went to a Minute Clinic last weekend as well and they wouldn't prescribe him anything.

Yet he keeps fucking coughing and at completely inopportune times. I love him but he's driving me fucking nuts.

Tonight, he didn't come to bed until 3AM. Not because he was coughing, but because we finally got internet access. Then when he finally crawls his ass into bed, what happens? TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF NON STOP COUGHING AND MOANING AND BODY JERKING.

Finally after I threatened to leave the room once again (had to sleep on the couch the other night, too), he asked if I could start the shower for him as it helped him the other night (you know, when I "slept" on the couch).

I don't understand it. Why the fuck wait nearly three hours before giving in and taking a shower which allowed you to sleep afterward last time?!? WTF is the purpose?

Yeah so now, 4 hours after the whole bullshit coughing fit began, he's sound fucking asleep -- no coughing whatsoever -- and I'm in here on the fucking computer, scratching my eyes because I'm so fucking tired.

He had BETTER get his ass up and to work today because I cannot handle another day of this bullshit.

"My mother would say that I have an aversion to work," he's commented more than once this past week. Um, considering the fucking apartment is littered with boxes STILL -- after you've been off work for one fully week, I'm starting to see why she would say such a thing.

Yay for spending the rest of my life with a child who's really a grown ass man.

Super quick update

Well, we moved... and we will never move without movers again. I'm pretty certain if it weren't for the movers, we'd still be moving right now. As it is, there's still so much to be done before the boxes are all cleared and we're completely settled, but that's all trivial, really.

We love the new place. It truly is incredibly perfect - for us. Odd how perfect it is, really.

I'm at work today but S isn't. He came down with some horrid bronchial thing that really put him out of commission and basically made him pretty useless. Again, praise the Lord for movers.

We still don't have cable, internet, gas, dishwasher, washer/dryer. The phone just got hooked up late yesterday. Baby steps, I guess.

And speaking of babies, a friend had one on Sunday. She wasn't due for a couple more weeks so when I got the text message TWENTY MINUTES after the little bugger was born, I was totally shocked. And happy. And I just couldn't help but smile the rest of the day.

Seems like I'm finally getting better with the news of babies being born... like I'm finally able to get past the ugly jealousy (or whatever that is) that would fill up my heart and gut. Of course it probably doesn't hurt that I've had this whole moving business to occupy my every waking hour for the past 100 hours or so. And no internet access. :) ;) :P

We have Liftoff!

Or do we?

Today = CD18. My temps since the last day of my last period have been 97.18, 97.35, 96.96, 97.12, 97.32, 97.66, 97.35, 96.85, 97.05, 97.17, 97.15 and then today's is 97.87!

But! The damn digital OPK will only give me an O reading and not a :) .

Sigh.

This is so ridiculously frustrating.

Whatever.

Fortunately I've had other things to focus on instead of just the gdamn TTC bullshit. Like the moving thing. We get the keys in just a couple hours, but found out yesterday that A) the gas won't be turned on until Monday so there will be no heat, no hot water (and that leaves me thinking back on some days after my parents split - yay); B) the washer/dryer and dishwasher won't be installed until later next week (which sucks ass because we have mountains of clothes to wash).

It certainly could be worse, that's for sure.

So today we're taking out some garbage since this morning was garbage day and the bins are finally empty again (one of the best things about moving is the purging - ahhhh!); then we're heading over to the new place to meet the realtor to get the keys to the place; then we'll measure the windows; head over to Home Depot to get a rug for the living room and one for the dining room, rods for the drapes, maybe some blinds; come back here to the apartment and grab some simple, light items to load into the car; grab more garbage to fill the bins as a thank you/parting gift to our frat partying neighbors; then plan on going back to the new place to unload some stuff and hopefully hang up some window treatments.

That's the plan, at least. Ha.

Tomorrow the movers are set to come at 12:30 but evidentally we were told to be ready as early as 8:30. Fun times.

In review of this, it's probably a good thing I didn't have a :) read on that OPK as I'm not sure when we can fit in Sexy time today or tomorrow. :/

?!?*&%*>?!K

I abhor packing and cleaning to move.

Thank god we hired movers to come next weekend.

That is all.

About last night

I think I had a bit of a nervous breakdown last night after I learned my Oma had been in a car accident... I was so caught off guard (possibly because I learned the day after it happened and via email), that I just couldn't get it out of my thoughts and I almost immediately started to cry.

And once I started to cry, I couldn't stop.

I cried and cried and cried. I cried so much I couldn't breathe.

I was going to call S but I knew he was in the car and didn't want him to be concerned because I wouldn't have been able to speak through the tears anyway. When he came home, he called me to move the car and upon saying "Hello?" immediately asked me what was wrong.

I whaled and he hung up the cell phone and immediately came up the stairs and asked me what was wrong, opened his arms and I just latched on and cried.

I just couldn't stop crying as I couldn't get the thought of losing Oma out of my head. Not last night, not today, not tomorrow.

I can't lose her. I know it's incredibly selfish, but I just cannot lose her.

Today is another day. And while I'm still quite upset about this, I realize that my ... breakdown ... was not only a result of being scared about my Oma, and realizing that she is not immortal, but it was a sign that I needed to release my feelings once and for all (yet again)...

Oh dear god will this ever get any fucking easier?!?!?!

Dear Universe

Thank you for allowing S and I to find a place to live that seems so kick ass. It took us a little while, but I do think it was worth the hunt.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for giving me that to focus on during this rough month. I really appreciate it.

That said, I need to ask one more huge favor: I need to ask that my Oma be watched over and protected. I just learned she was in a car accident yesterday. Apparently the car is totaled and she is OK. But she's in her mid 80s and ... I simply cannot ... even bear the thought ... of ... something bad happening to her. :(

Please, please, please keep her safe.

My mom says Oma is just shaken up but ... I worry too much. And I love her so much. And I already miss my Ota so so so much. Please, please, please, PLEASE keep her safe. For as long as possible.

Please.

Please.

Thursday

The past couple of days, today included, have been a bit overwhelming for me. Like a test of sorts.

Or something.

You know how when you're ready and willing to buy a new car and instantly there seems to be a million cars on the road similar to the one you want to buy? And all of a sudden, commercial after commercial appears on the tellie and radio regarding that car? That's how it is when you decide you want to have a baby, too. All of a sudden, there are babies and pregnant mommas everywhere.

Every.Where.

I can honestly say the past year and a half have been like that - babies and baby bumps (and mountains) everywhere. Some days seem to be worse than others, but the past several days have been exceptionally bad.

The other night I met up with some gal pals for dinner. Not only were two (of the 8 total) pregnant, but another was a mom already. And of course, conversation came up more than once regarding pregnancy, regarding being a mom. It's a part of life after all. We sat and ate and chatted and chatted and chatted for several hours and in that time, I lost track of the number of moms and kids that came to eat. And several momma's to be, too.

I don't really know what my point is. It's just ... hard sometimes. And I hate that it's hard sometimes. It shouldn't be so hard to smile when someone talks lovingly about their gifts. It shouldn't be so hard to be happy to hear news that someone else is pregnant, that someone else just became a mom. But it is sometimes.

Yesterday I had a brief meeting with my supervisor regarding goals for the year. Before we started he asked how I was doing and if I was sleeping any better since I've had to call in late or all together on more than one occasion in the past couple months due to insomnia. I told him I was sleeping much better these days and that it seems to go in spurts. And while I talked, I watched the slide show on his computer of his life: him, his wife, his 2 boys, his 1 girl, their dog.

Then he said, "Yeah, once we had kids, I learned how to adapt to little sleep."

Good for you, I wanted to say. Instead, I said, "At least you have an excuse for not sleeping though."

I wanted to cry but held it together just fine.

Ack.

Anyway.

I'm so fortunate that we're moving. I'm so fortunate that we've spent the past month spending all of our free time looking at apartments. I'm so fortunate to have been able to focus on something other than the thing I normally focus on... but now that the place has been chosen and all that's left is to move, I'm left thinking about too many other things again.

And that just sucks big hairy pimply hairy balls sometimes.

March 10

Today is my due date. Well, it would've been my due date. I'm OK considering. I guess. I'm trying not to think of it, truthfully. Just trying to focus on other things like moving. Yay, can't wait to move! Ok, well, I'm not looking forward to moving per say, but I'm looking forward to living in a brand new place. :)

Something else... I think I have Dermatitis. Sigh. I was diagnosed with rosacea years ago, but now I have this gd itchiness that's invaded my skin just below my eyes. Like the area isn't sensitive enough? Grrr. I'm not happy. It's been so bothersome that the other day I had to toss out a $20 bottle of under eye cream which I loved because I applied it, like normal, and the burning that transpired was insane! I thought the skin was coming off my face or something!

Add that to the months spent with dry, flaky, redness right next to my nose and I'm a hot mess. Ok, maybe not 'hot' so much as itchy and burning!

Grrr.

Anyway, I haven't gone to a dermatologist or whomever yet, but I'm pretty sure Dermatitis is what I have.

And most of the treatments for these .. issues.. entail prescription drugs that are NOT wise to take when TTC, and especially when actually pregnant.

Whatever.

I sure hope I'm not jumping the gun here

... but we signed a lease yesterday contingent on the building owner completing the remodel and contingent on our credit check being sufficient.

Eeek.

We're so disgustingly excited! :) Over an apartment for crying out loud. I mean, yeah, I can sorta see being giddy over something we bought, but this is something we're just renting... Maybe it's the fact that it's an apartment building converted into brand spanking new condos. Six total and three have been bought before the market took a horrible dive and now the builder decided to just rent out the others. And we were fortunate to be one of the lucky ones to see this!

I've never in my life lived in anything new. And this place is brand new. But it has old bones. And old bones, IMO (when it comes to building structures these days), are much more sound than some new ones. And this place is so damn new, that the one we rented, still needs delivery and installation of all the brand new appliances INCLUDING IN-UNIT WASHER/DRYER!!! Ack, I'm so excited. :)

And the best part of it all - aside for both of us being closer to work (believe me when I say even 20 minutes difference in the summertime in this city makes a WORLD of difference) - is that we're only paying $50 more a month that we currently are for something much more nicer and much more ... Us.

Here's the Living room of the model unit:


See the windows? OMG, so fucking adorable! We're going to put a little table and chairs there under that light fixture and use it as our dining area! :) I cannot WAIT to finally be able to sit down at an actual table and eat my meal as opposed to on the couch!

And here's the model Kitchen:

Our unit is actually opposite of this layout and will come with all black BRAND NEW appliances as opposed to stainless steel.

I'll probably post more pictures in a couple weeks after we get the keys and move in. OMG I'm so happy. :) It's such a great building and a GREAT space.

Now all we have to do is pack up all this shit in the next two weeks. Anyone wanna earn an extra couple of dollars? ;) :D

6:30am

The bleeding, the cramping is still out of control. I'm not going into work today for fear of another accident. :( If I continue to bleed through tampons today (I have Supers now!), I will call the doctor.

Today marks CD4 of my 14th cycle. I'm exactly six months away from my 37th birthday. I cried last night after I washed my face and saw the lines that have embedded themselves under my eyes. I thought it was a result of lack of sleep but I've been sleeping great the past couple nights and still the lines... Should we blessed to have a child, I have no doubt I will hear, "Go ask your grandma" on more than one occasion. Sigh. It doesn't matter though... so long as we can have a healthy child to parent, to love, to guide, to support, to adore, to kiss, to hug, to play with, to help grow...

To my child in heaven, I love you sweetheart. While we won't be meeting you soon like was planned, not a single day goes by when I don't think about you.

March 5, 2009

So... yesterday. Ha!

Yesterday, S and I I looked at another apartment that was absolutely perfect. Good location, adorable building, fantastic space. It had "us" written all over it... except it stank like water had been sitting in there for 20 years and there was very little water pressure.

Another one bites the dust. :(

Prior to apartment hunting (we were supposed to see two places but of course the other one was rented an hour before we were to go see it), the shit sort of hit the fan with a group of friends. And by group of friends, I'm not talking a handful of college mates or something; I'm talking 55 women who've gathered from the area and created a private online forum to shoot the shit. Something we've done now for well over a year.

55 women.
Grown women.
From 20s to late 30s.
55 FEMALES.
One year.
Got it?

Anyway...(I'm sure some are checking in here to see if I would post about it. Or not. Whatever, it's coolio) I wasn't going to write about it but writing out my feelings, as most of them should very well know by now, is what I do. Good or bad. Happy or sad... I write.

S told me last night- after I told him a 'shortened' version of the days events - that I have a way of keeping shit in until I explode. Yeah. I kinda do. And that's THE ONLY THING I'm sorry about. Not that anyone cares. Not that it matters.

I dunno. A part of me feels bad that things went down the way they did, but a bigger part of me is relieved. It's just too fucking hard for me to pretend to be OK with someone when I'm not. I mean, it's not that I hate *any* one or anything... (I have little hatred - believe it or not - inside of me. Hate is just not a good emotion to carry around. It will age you and it will break you. Sometimes more than once. I've been broken due to anger, so I do know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, it's really stupid things really: one person was questioned about something pretty personal and pretty hard to talk about, and, in turn, that opened the door for that person to be talked about behind her back.

THE HORROR, I know!
She got greatly offended, as did her minions. And now sides are asked to be taken.

While I truly can understand why someone would be incredibly hurt by the behind-the-back gossip, isn't that what happens with women? They gossip? And sometimes that gossip turns into nit-picking, utter bullshit? Isn't that what happens? Or am I totally off base here? Maybe I am! I'm not an expert. I've never been "the popular one" a day in my fucking life. And if I was, well, it's news to me!

I could give two fucking shits about what clothing is in, what car I should drive, what neighborhood I live in (as long as the drunks keep their urine and vomit out of my path), whether or not I should color my hair, what trendy fucking restaurant I should frequent, what exotic destination I should tour. And neither should anyone else... especially someone in their 30s for fucks sake! Do what YOU want to do!

Sure it would hurt me and offend me if I found out some people were talking about me behind my back, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me and I would simply disconnect from said people. My god am I grateful I never had to deal with this fucking bullshit in my youth. I guess there really are benefits to being a loner!

I dunno.... I guess I had more to say than I thought because I feel like I'm begging my fingers to stop typing. I mean, what the fuck does any of this have to do with miscarriage and TTC and trying to move past the fact that my due date was supposed to be in five days?!

Grrrr.

But here's the thing: People are hurt. And I truly recognize and I truly, wholeheartedly feel bad about that. I don't take back anything I said - just maybe how it was said and where it was said and definitely what has transpired as a result.

Ugh. It's just... how do you tell someone (out of a huge group of people) you don't trust them when the bottom line is that they aren't really doing anything outright to break your trust? How do you tell them that you find some of their stories to be a bit too dramatic and too far fetched? I mean, who the fuck am I to say that to someone? So you just try to ignore it and them and slowly start to separate yourself from them. At least that's what I try to do.

I'm not out to hurt anyone... just like they aren't.

But it's hard when you can't completely disconnect from them and can't completely ignore it. I get it, I do. That's what I blew up too!

Wow.

Anyway... I said what I said and I think that enabled me to sleep like a baby last night! Oh man, it was so glorious! Granted I was awakened at 1:30 in the morning with killer fucking cramps and had to beg my husband to heat the heating pad and bring me pain meds, but as soon as the heating pad was wrapped around me and the meds started kicking in... off to sleepy-bye I went.

Yet somehow I'm tired again today. And the lines under my eyes?!? Oy vey! Not pretty. My age is finally catching up with me and starting to show... joyous!

I caught up with a shit load of work today and that felt really good, too.

But I had a big problem with my period.

*** TMI ahead TMI ahead TMI ahead ***

I bled like I haven't bled ever. And I know I say this every cycle but this was different. This had me in tears from fear. This had me *this close* to calling the doctor or going to the hospital.

The blood wouldn't stop coming. It was so heavy that when I went to the bathroom an hour after I got into work, two hours after inserting a tampon, the tampon came out as soon as I sat on the pot! I was flipping out. There was blood all over the front of my panties and onto my pants!!!! Thank GOD I was wearing black pants!! OMG the blood wouldn't stop coming. The discharge!! Fuck me! I've never seen anything like it and it made me wonder if I was miscarrying or something! I mean the cramps were atrocious, too, but nothing like that blood. I never ever want to see something like that again.

But I did - an hour later.

:(

Yeah it's been a hellish day for me and dear Aunt Flo. The cunt.

That little thing called Knowledge

So today we're going to talk about basal thermometers and how they truly do work. They take your exact temperature without rounding, and they're *the* tool to use when trying to track ovulation. Fuck those OPK's. Fuck tracking your CM. Take your temperature around the same waking hour every morning and you will be able to figure out when you ovulate (after the fact, unfortunately) and when/if you're about to get AF or are pregnant.

It really does work!

If you're TTC, buy TCOYF and read it and follow it and practice what's described in that book. And if you do so, you will, possibly for the first time in your life, truly know and understand your body and how it works - as far as ovulating and shit, at least.

I charted my temps for about six straight months and each month I knew when I ovulated and I knew the day before AF came. It never failed. That number always dropped pretty significantly right before AF. Then when I got pregnant, I knew I could believe my eyes and the HPT. I knew it because the next week or so when I woke and stuck that basal thermometer in my mouth and took my temp, the numbers were still high.

It was glorious, really.

But after the d&c, I stopped tracking. I put everything away and submerged myself into a pity party that nobody else was invited to. And every month thereafter, I was left wondering if that was *the* month when I would get pregnant again. And every month I didn't take my temperatures, I was blindsided when AF showed.

All because of a stupid little basal thermometer.

This past cycle was going to be different, though. This past cycle we were moving up to bigger, more expensive things: digital OPK's. And after peeing on 14 expensive sticks and never getting a smiley face, I was left feeling quite deflated.

So I found that trusty, little ol' basal thermometer and took my temperature about three days ago, then the next. And it was high (for me). Maybe I did O super early and maybe, just maybe that temp would remain high for days and weeks to come! A girl can dream, right?

The third day (yesterday) I temped, my temperature dropped pretty significantly (from 98.04 to 97.54) and I knew what was heading into town. So last night when I went pee and saw some spotting, I wasn't surprised one bit. And this morning, when the spotting become a light flow, I wasn't blindsided like I have been the past 6 months. (Though I will admit that I'm a little... peeved... that this past cycle was 27 days long when the one prior was 43 or something?!? WTF, body??! WTF?)

I'm not happy about AF, but I'm also not upset, devastated, shocked, deflated. I'm just...not pregnant.

So the lesson today is that Knowledge truly is Power and every woman wanting to really know their cycle - whether or not you're TTC or TTA - should invest a whopping $10 on a basal thermometer and take their temp every morning before they get out of bed, before they speak.

March 2009

This should've been the month welcoming our first born into the world. But it won't be happening. Instead, we'll be busy searching for a new place to hang our hat, packing, and moving. Thank GOD we'll at least be busy... if I had jack shit to do this month but think about what should be happening, I'm sure it would be just enough to put me over the edge once and for all.

I can't lie. I'm pretty sad about things again. I'm just so tired of who I've become most days. It saddens me greatly. I was finally in a place in my life where I was living life and loving it. My 30s have been the best years of my life, after all. But then I got pregnant and lost the baby and had to have her surgically removed and my life completely changed.

Now I'm just so bitter. And angry. And sad.

Meanwhile, life around me continues moving forward.

And I'm left wanting to move forward so badly - and just when I think I'm back to being Me and moving forward, I revert back to that bitter woman who can only focus on what she doesn't have.

And that just sucks. And I'm not sure how to change it.