Day 43, Cycle 6 since

Day 43 of my sixth cycle since the d&c.

Today involved a trip to the doctor.

I cried.

I tried not to. But I couldn’t help it.

When I first walked in, I was greeted by a barely walking little boy. My heart felt a tug. When I turned the corner to get to the receptionist’s area, I was greeted by pregnant belly after pregnant belly. As I sat down to fill out paperwork, a male voice behind me said, “Yeah, it’s another girl.”

I tried not to cry.

Then a little girl appeared. Maybe two. “She’s so cute,” was said over and over again. She really, really was. I think she was the big sister to the girl mentioned in the phone call from the guy behind me.

I filled out the paperwork, wiping a tear here and there.

I should be 8 months pregnant right now. I should be seriously freaking out about giving birth in a couple weeks. It should be hard for me to fit behind the steering wheel in the car.

Instead, I’m visiting the doctor because it’s been 43 days since my last period.

My name is called and I look up at the girl calling out for me. She, too, is pregnant.

I wanted to collapse to the floor, shrink into the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep.

“How are you?” she asked.

“OK,” I whispered, trying to stifle the tears.

I followed her down two short hallways into a room. She closed the door behind us.

“So why are you here today?” she asked, looking down at her paperwork.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t make eye contact. I tried my best to breathe and when I tried speaking, I lost it. I started crying...sobbing uncontrollably whilst trying to apologize.

“It’s OK,” she said.

I don’t think she believed it was either.

After a good minute, I finally managed to tell her why I was there – because I was still waiting for my period. And I finally managed to tell her it was my sixth cycle since the d&c.

I cried some more. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t look at her. And I knew she felt pity for me and that made me cry more. I hate that I’m becoming (or maybe I’ve already become?) that person that everyone feels pity for. I HATE IT!

She told me it was going to be OK (not very convincingly) and that I needed to undress from the waist down and that the doc would be in shortly.

I suspect she left there, rubbing her belly and saying a little something to her baby as she walked to the front for her next patient. I know I would’ve.

I pulled myself together in time for the doc to come in. We talked for quite a while. He looked through all the paperwork and I saw the ultrasound printouts from six months ago. My heart sank. I looked away and recited the alphabet in my mind as we talked about everything.

He really is a great doctor when he doesn’t have to be the bearer of horrific news.

He did an internal exam.

We talked a bit more about everything baby/TTC related. We both agree that Stephen and I are going to continue trying for another 5 months… and if no BFP by July, one year following my one and only BFP, then doc will turn me over to an RE.

Before leaving entirely, he had the girls draw blood and then do another ultrasound. My fifth in six months – and I’m not even pregnant.

“This goes into the vagina,” the tech said, holding a wand of sorts. “I can guide it in or you can.”

Wah?!? Why the fuck would I want to ‘guide in’ a fucking camera?! “Um you can.”

Ugh. This one was painful. She poked and prodded and pushed that fucking wand around a good bit before telling me to get dressed again and come out when done.

When I did, she took me to another room and the doc came right away. He told me my uterus looked great (and I believed him). He said my ovaries had follicles and everything looked the way it should. He said if I didn’t get “any blood” (he was careful not to say “a period” or “menstruation” interestingly enough) in the next two weeks to come back.

So now I wait. Again.

Raw, raw, raw and so, so ugly.

You've been warned (up there in the title - it's about this post and what you might read).

I got my period about four hours ago and I'm not handling it well at all. I didn't cry as soon as I saw the pink on the tissue like I did the first periods after the d&c, but I cried all the way home. Actually, I didn't really physically cry during the drive home because I had to see where I was going, but I cried in my head and my heart and soul. And now I'm sobbing like a bitch and the tears won't stop falling and I can't breathe out of my fucking nose.

I just don't know how much more I can do this.

I really don't understand how others do this and for much longer periods of time. I mean, I *know* there are couples out there that have been trying for years and years to have kids. Some get pregnant and lose their babies. Some never get pregnant. How do they keep at it? How? This is not a rhetorical question! If you've happened to stumble on this, I'm sorry for the negativity, but please tell me *how* you keep doing this. Please!

It's not even fun anymore. I get excited to see egg whites, I tell S about it and he could care less. I'm tired of this. I know he doesn't want this as much as me, but I also know he wants it a little, at least, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me... so why the fuck won't he fuck me more during ovulation?!?

Did I mention this would be a raw and ugly post? Well, yeah, I did. Up there in the motherfucking title is where I mentioned it so if you're disturbed just move on because this is where I come to get it out of my head, get it out of my heart.

I'm fucking sick and motherfucking tired of this. It's just not fun. It actually never was. No, I take that back. It was a little fun and exciting at first, I will admit. But honest to god, after about the first month or so, it wasn't fun anymore.

Yeah, I like me some sex, but this waiting each and every fucking month is for the fucking birds. I can't take it anymore. I can't fucking take it.

And I feel like I'm in a fucking movie... precisely that fucking Baby Mama movie with Tina Fey. I'm the Tina Fey character. Or no, better yet, I feel like I'm in the movie Juno. I'm the Jennifer Garner character. Only there's no Juno character for me to get a baby from.

I don't know. I'm just really tired. And the timing just really sucks. I mean it's Thanksgiving tomorrow and I've been really trying to find something... anything... to be grateful for and just when I think I can do this, I can turn my spirits around and start to be more positive, I turn into a raging bitch because my boobs hurt and I've got cramps that feel like burning and scraping at the same time. And then it comes... my period. And out the window goes any hope for getting pregnant this month.

And once again, I'm left crying and feeling like shit... not because I'm not pregnant, but because I'm still not a mom. And I'm still not going to be a mom. And once again, I'm left wondering why the fuck my husband won't talk to me about adopting.

I just want to be a parent. A parent to a child who calls me Mom or Momma or Mommy and not just Auntie.

Oh god.

This is so, so hard. The holidays are here. It's all about families and good times. That's what it's all about: Life and the holidays - families and good times. I just want to be in the midst of that instead of continuously feeling like I'm on the fucking sidelines cheering everyone else on...

Anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day to give Thanks. And I really really really do have so much to be thankful for; I really do.

Goodnight.

Bleeding Love

Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love was very popular around the time I became pregnant...and since I knew of my pregnancy for only 4 weeks, the song was still quite popular after the D and C. Therefore, I heard the song a lot during my pregnancy and after the surgery and since it's a song about heartbreak and loss of a relationship, I connected with the song and every time I heard it, I cried and cried and cried. It didn't matter where I was - in the car, at home, at work. Four months later, it still makes me cry because it brings me back to those days in late July, early August 2008.

You can view the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF84pIhP5UM

And here are the lyrics:

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

Ooooh...

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy

Chorus:
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Oooh, oooh...

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that their goal
Is to keep me from falling

Hey, yeah!

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

Chorus:
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the pain
That I keep all closed in You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love


Christ. I tried bolding what hit home to me and I guess I might as well have bolded the whole damn thing...

Saturday

I was laying in bed earlier thinking how I was going to come in here and post about how crazy and different my mind works during different times of the month... how if I'm bleeding or about to bleed, I'm very emotional and a bit irrational and how when I'm just done bleeding I'm pretty fucking happy and content.

But instead of coming in here and writing that, I checked my email and found one sitting there from a friend of a friend whom I haven't heard from since I got my BFP. I didn't tell her I got my BFP so I didn't ever have to tell her about the D and C. So she didn't know anything... but her email to me told me something: she's pregnant. 12 weeks today.

And the news of her pregnancy and her exhaustion and her nausea stung me.

Goddamnit why can't I just be happy for people?!?!

And then instead of coming here and posting, I go to a message board I frequent and see a pic of a newborn baby that one of the girls just had and all these wonderful posts to her about being a mom and .... once again .... I just lost it and instead of out and out crying like the little whiny bitch that I am these days, I finally came here to write.

But then my husband heard me typing away and asked if there was something I wanted to talk about and I said NO. Because I really don't. I HATE feeling like this. I HATE feeling ... jealousy or whatever the fuck it is because someone else is having a good pregnancy or because someone else just became a mom.

Instead of taking believing me when I said NO, he came in here and saw that I was crying and hugged me and wouldn't let go. So I let it alllllllllll out to him. His shoulder caught all my tears and snot as I just let it all out. Every bit of it. And I cried and cried while he just continued to hug me.

I feel a little better now.

But is this what it's going to be like until I become a mom? Because if it is, I think I might totally lose my fucking mind first.

WTF?

So ever since the fucking D and C, my periods have come from nowhere (PMS symptoms of sore boobs and cramping have disappeared) and have been heavier, longer, and more painful than ever before.

WTF is that all about?

Not only can I not tell when I'm getting it these days, but when I do get it, it's practically debilitating. Today is day four of heavy bleeding, horrible cramping, and painful backaches.

This fucking sucks. Not only did I lose a pregnancy, but now I have to have worse periods than ever before. Uh huh, makes perfect sense to me.

Ugliness

I should not be feeling like this.

I should not be feeling like this. I should not be feeling like this. I should not be feeling like this!

I just found out that someone I know is in labor. She’s having a baby. She’s having her and her husband’s baby. She’s becoming a mom. And while I’m truly happy and excited for her, I’m also crying. Literally crying! And they are not tears of joy or excitement.

I’m so ugly right now.

I have horrific cramps, I feel like I’m going to bleed everywhere, I feel like I’m going to vomit, and I’m in tears because someone else is becoming a mom.

I’m so ugly!

I took some more pain killers when I found out. Pain killers left over from the D and C.

I was trying not to take the pain killers because I really don’t want to get addicted… but then I found out someone else was becoming a mom so I took them.

Piss poor reason, really.

They didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I think I feel more depressed than ever.

I hate feeling like this… and I don’t know what ‘this’ is per say. Is it jealousy, anger, sadness? All of it? None of it?

I keep thinking about my age, too and that doesn’t help matters. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30. I don’t want to be an old mom. My dad is 75 and it hasn’t been easy dealing with him and he was 39 when I was born. I don’t want to be a burden to my child in 30 years. Motherfucker this wasn’t supposed to go down like this. None of it was supposed to happen this way.

My whole fucking life hasn’t gone the way it was supposed to.

I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I love life, period. But I’m just so incredibly motherfucking tired of watching things happen for others that should be happening to me. I deserve the things I want. I paid my dues.

When is it my turn?

I’m so fucking ugly right now and I fucking hate it.

I need to get a grip. I need to get over the fact that I’m not a mom yet and just BELIEVE that I will become one soon. I really need to believe again. I need to let go of the negativity and focus on the positivity:

• I’m alive.
• I’m relatively healthy.
• I have a wonderful husband who loves me so, so much.
• It’s a beautiful time of year.
• I’m an aunt to some amazing kids, most of whom are functioning grown adults.
• I’m a great aunt to a beautiful almost 2-year-old angel.
• I have a job.
• I have a roof over my head and a working car.
• I have food on the table.
• I have lots of love inside to give.
• I love myself.
• I like myself.
• Life is so good. It’s so, so good.
• And I know my time to be a mom will come. It will. It must. I have to believe. I have to.

(I just wish I wasn’t so ugly right now)

Just when I thought that I was completely over the D&C and the fact I'm no longer pregnant and no longer going to be a Mom-to-be, I see something on TV that makes me react in a way that freaks out (me and) my wonderful husband.

We both played hooky today and after we did our laundry, we sat in front of the TV and enjoyed some fish and chips. On the TV was some show called The Doctors (I guess it's some Dr. Phil spin-off or something).

We didn't catch the whole episode and turned it on when they were discussing unhealthy food choices made by middle school kids. Then they went on to discuss hysterectomies. Yeah, I thought that was an odd transition, too.

So this woman, 42, goes on the show to tell them that she's terrified of getting a hysterectomy but that because of family history and the fact that she's got 4 kids - all delivered via c-section, her doctor is suggesting she get one.

They discuss the different kinds of hysterectomies - partial, full, whatnot. Then they bring on this Back to the Future type of machine that enables them to perform a certain hysterectomy with this robot and with minimal incisions and a faster recovery.

One of the doctor's asked the doctor representing the machine/robot a question about how they would get the uterus out after it was cut and then the doctor rep starts talking about how they would stick "something" (she named it the actual name but I don't recall the name and the host-doctor asked her to explain what the "something" actually was) in - basically like a rotor router (!!) that would cut up the uterus and then pull it out through the vagina.

I'm not sure why exactly, but their description just put me back to July 30th and I was laying on the gurney with both arms spread out and strapped down, naked under a thin sheet again. In about two seconds I relived the experience of the ice cold room and feeling completely lost; I experienced the nurses asking me to move my butt to fit better into the table's hole where I imagine they stuck something up into me and sucked out the embryo; I experienced waking up when it was all over feeling some of the worst cramps and knowing it was all over.

As fast as the words came out of the TV, the tears welled.

I couldn't stop crying - so much so that I did the angry cry... where I hold my breath and just shake in slow motion. S was next to me and asked what was wrong and just hugged me. And finally after I could breathe, I had to tell him that for some stupid reason, I was brought back to the surgery.

Uck!

Unexpected

It's funny how you can spend time thinking how you might react to something if it were to happen and then when it happens, you react in a completely different way - or in a way that surprises you.

When I POAS last Friday and clearly got only one line, I wasn't really upset or anything. I wasn't really... anything...if that makes sense. I just accepted it and moved on and had no real thoughts about it. It is what it is, after all.

Moments ago, however, I just went to the bathroom and when I wiped, I saw pink on the tissue. Apparently the gates are opening and AF is deciding to visit now - three days before my birthday. Why not, right?

Anyway, when I saw the pink and then looked at my panties and saw a blurry smudgy spot of red/brown, my heart practically sank and tears immediately formed in my eyes.

And as I type this, I'm finding it almost hard to breathe as the tears fall out of my eyes.

One after the other.

I wasn't expecting this reaction whatsoever.

I can't stop crying.

It's like it's really real now. Yesterday I was reminded of the D and C when I got the bill for it. Today I get my period.

It really did happen.

I was pregnant one day... not so long ago.

I was really going to become a mom finally.

For four weeks, it became more and more real that life was growing inside me and I was finally going to become the mom I've wanted to become for so, so long.

And then one day, the doctor told me there was no more hope for growth. The doctor told me he was 100% sure it was over.

Just like that.

After 7 months of trying to get pregnant... it was all over.

And the next day I had the surgery.

And now, 34 days later, I'm finally menstruating.

And the tears flood my eyes again.

:(

I just truly was not expecting this sort of reaction.

Day 35

Ugh. I've never had to wait this long for my period and it really sucks. I'll POAS Saturday if still no AF.

I got a second notification yesterday regarding my insurance not covering the D and C. I was in near tears when I opened it up and saw the charge for the procedure - $6900. For fuck's sake. And I'm sure they won't cover it because it probably reads as an abortion. That's the most sickening part of this.

Whatthefuckever.

S is going to talk to the insurance as soon as I sign a HIPAA release form stating they can discuss it with him. Hopefully something can be worked out.

I'm tired of complaining... so if I don't post much these days, that's why - I'm waiting for some good news.

Holy shit!

I have egg whites!! :) I have EGG WHITES!







It's been three weeks exactly since the D and C and I have egg whites!


Maybe that means I'm actually ovulating!


Normally I'd get my period about now but don't feel period-y at all... so these egg whites must mean I'm ovulating later than normal (probably due to the surgery) and might also mean it's time to get pregnant again!

Three cheers for EGG WHITES!

Closing a chapter

So my follow-up D and C appointment... UGH!

In all honesty, I've been doing OK in regards to the missed "abortion" and losing the baby - for the most part, at least. Sure I have my moments, but I've been able to get up in the morning and go to work and do my job and whatever else... Granted, I've noticed that I'm angrier than before - at any and every little thing - but I suppose that's all par for the course.

I didn't know quite what to expect from today's appointment, but I had hoped for a couple of things NOT to happen: I didn't want any more blood drawn, any more vaginal exams, any more ultra sounds, and I really didn't want to see any happy pregnant couples in the waiting room. I pretty much figured I was safe with everything but the vaginal exam and the happy couples.

After I signed in to the receptionist and took a seat, I could see that there was indeed a happy couple in the waiting room. Just me, them, the TV and the receptionist. Thank god for the TV! I tried so hard not too look at them because the fact of the matter is that there's NO REASON they shouldn't be happy! And there's no reason I need to be getting upset because of someone else's happiness!

But it was hard. They were happy. Really, really happy. She had an ultrasound picture in her hand, and a little bump already forming in her lap. He also had another ultrasound picture, and the biggest smile on his face. And that's what I saw from my peripheral vision as I tried to study the TV! Then I noticed some extra movement and as much as I tried to focus on the news from the TV, I couldn't help but notice what the movement was: the baby daddy was so happy he leaned over, rubbed his woman's belly and then kissed the belly.

It was one of the most sweetest things I've seen in a long time and while it brings a tear to my eye right now, when it happened it actually made me feel better instead of worse. They were happy. Really, really happy. And they were going to be having a baby!

Soon after the sweet moment, an obvious pregnant woman walked in. I say obvious because her bump was definitely a bump and not just a fat, beer belly. Plus she stood with her hand holding her back... and we all know the toll a women's back can take during pregnancy. :)

The nurse called to the obvious pregnant woman and took her back into the office.

The happy parents-to-be still sat gleaming with joy against the wall.

Another woman strolled in. This time, it wasn't obvious if she was with child or not. She said something to the receptionist and the receptionist said the same thing she said to me in return, "This is just a follow up from the surgery, right?"

My heart sank for her. She was there for the same reason I was.

Finally my name was called and I followed the nurse directly into one of the doctor's offices rather than stopping for my weight like my most recent appointments... back when I was pregnant. And rather than take my blood pressure, she opened a drawer and took out a paper cover up and told me the doctor needed me to get undressed from the waist down.

Fuck, I thought but instead said, "For real?"

She looked at me and said, "Yes." And I could see the empathy in her eyes. And I realized how incredibly difficult their jobs must be at times.

I took off my shoes and pants and fought back the tears all while saying "Fuck" quietly several times. I hoisted my fat ass onto the fucking table and waited.

The doctor came in and I was elated to see that it was my doctor again! He wasn't the cold and matter of fact doctor he was three weeks ago, he was back to the warm and open and informative doctor I chose to be "the one" to examine my Secret Garden all those years back.

He asked how I was doing and if there was any heavy bleeding or cramping.

"Not since the end of that weekend," I replied. "But I have had spotting almost every day."

He told me that was all to be expected but as long as it wasn't real heavy bleeding or cramping and as long as I wasn't screaming in pain during the exam - which he did while he told me this - then all was good.

He told me they send out the "pregnancy tissue" - for which he hesitated saying - to ensure that it comes back as "pregnancy tissue" and not say "intestine", or something. Mine came back "pregnancy tissue" so that was good (I was pregnant!) and made me chuckle because of his delivery of it.

And with that, he was done with the exam and said, "So I guess this means that - if you're ready - you can start trying again."

"I'm not sure if you given that any thought," he continued.

"We have," I said and before the words came out, the tears welled. "We decided," I continued, swallowing the tears, "to start again right away."

He seemed almost happy. And he went on to tell me about how it may take a little while still before the hormone levels go back down, before I ovulate, before things all get back to "normal" but that it shouldn't take more than six months.

He asked if I had questions and I asked that if, nope WHEN we get pregnant would the same things happen again or would they treat me differently. He told me that they really don't start looking more into the why's behind miscarriages until the third miscarriage, and that if they think something may not be going well with a pregnancy, they start taking the hormone levels (hCG).

"So you don't *always* start with the blood tests?" I asked.

"Not unless we can't clear up things on the ultrasound."

And that's when the past three weeks became as clear as a crystal fucking ball to me. The Doc was not his usual, warm and informative Doc that I always liked three weeks ago because he knew from that first appointment that things weren't well. He knew it but he wasn't sure so had to make sure. He couldn't come right out and say "this pregnancy isn't going to last" because he wasn't 100% sure that was the case - hence the blood tests and extra ultrasounds.

It also explained the demeanor of the PA as she, too, knew that we were holding on by a thread.

I mean, really, how fucking draining must it be to work in the area of pregnancies? Sure it's probably wonderful and almost euphoric when the pregnancy is wonderful and healthy... but what does it do to the nurses and doctors and staff when they have to witness an unhealthy pregnancy? When they have to be the bearer of some of the most horrific news imaginable?

"You're baby stopped growing."

"There is no heartbeat."

"The blood tests don't look good."

It wasn't that my doctor was bothered or annoyed by me or that the PA thought my feet smelled or something. It was that they were preparing for my emotion before I could prepare for it myself. They were preparing for my own hell. Just like they have with so many other women and parents many times before (and after) me.

"Just another ride on the roller coaster of life," Doc said to me before saying good-bye.

Indeed.

And I can almost see the top again.

Monday's Confession

Tomorrow is my follow-up doctor's visit with my doctor since the D&C. I've been really and truly "OK" lately. Sure, I cried during Tori and Dean the other night, but who wouldn't?! A new baby was brought into the world to a couple who seem like they're so in love with being parents. That warrants a couple tears in my opinion.

I have to honestly say, though... I really hope there's nobody in the waiting room when I get there. Nobody obviously pregnant at least. I cannot handle seeing couples sitting there beaming with joy as they study their ultrasound pictures again. As "OK" as I've been lately, I'm pretty confident that I will lose it if that were to happen.

That brings Monday's Confession to a close... besides the obvious of being ass fucking tired again.

The weekend

About yesterday's post: mission accomplished!

It was a little odd to be honest. It's been almost two months since we've last had sex and only a week and a half since the D&C... I'm guessing that's where the "oddness" came from. While I bled the day of the D&C, I haven't since that day. But I have spotted nearly every day. And while I hadn't spotted much yesterday or this morning, I did immediately following our "love session." (God, I'm such a dork!) And it was a spotting with fucking bits which really disturbs me because I'm guessing it's dried blood from the D&C.

Gross!

Last night when I got home, I plopped my fat ass in front of the TV. S was stopping over at some family on his way home, so it was just me and Tori and Dean for a couple of hours. I really like the show. It's entertaining and cute and their little Liam seems so fucking happy. I cried watching last night's shows. I cried and cried. Liam was so happy and giddy and Tori and Dean are so madly in love with him and each other! Then there was the episode where Tori gave birth to their new little bundle, Stella. And I cried and cried.

She was so elated over the fact that she was 35 and had a perfect husband, a perfect son, and now a perfect daughter.

I can totally understand her elation. Hopefully I'll have my own little family by 37.

Ouch and Eww and Oh.

Other than bleeding following the D&C, I haven't had any blood. Nothing yesterday, nothing today.

I have, however, had some incredible cramps. Odd cramps. Painful cramps. But nothing constant - they come in waves... some strong waves that brought tears to my eyes and a queasiness to my belly yesterday.

Apparently that's why the doc prescribed some pain meds.

This morning, on the other hand, I'm not feeling crampy but I am having some odd discharge which is weirding me out a bit. It's not blood, it's not cervical mucous - I don't think. It's like little bits of something. It's fucking gross and it's making me wonder if it's part of something.

:(

Other than physical stuff going on, I'm feeling pretty good. I really think last week prepared me for the Wednesday's "event."

I guess.

A part of me really feels bad for not feeling worse about what happened, but what else can I do about all of this?

I was pregnant - and for that I'm incredibly grateful. It means that everything worked for us and I know it also means it will work again for us.

Hopefully sooner than later.

I used to be freaked out about my age - I'll be 36 next month! But again, what the fuck can I do about that? Nothing.

There's things in my life that are completely out of my control at this point, and that means I need to work on letting those things go and focus on what I can change, what I do have some control over.

That being said, it's time to get positive again... time to start *believing* again.

About Yesterday

I'm in an OK mood - better than I thought I would be. I'm guessing it's because I cried so much last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then again this past Tuesday night. Through it all, I really tried to stay positive and pretty much was very excited about our appointment this past Tuesday.

But things don't always work out the way you think... no matter how positive you are in your thoughts.

It was a hard decision to make - to get the D&C (a procedure that some people do when aborting a growing fetus) but my doctor pretty much gave me a 100% guarantee that he was right and that my baby had stopped growing... and it was either do the D&C or wait until I passed her naturally.

I didn't want the D&C. I had read many stories by women who had chose to go this route after their miscarriage and always assumed should that ever happen to me (god forbid), I wouldn't go that route... But the fact of the matter was that I had to get her out of me or my body would've kept thinking I was pregnant and that's not healthy - at all.

Anyway, both my husband and I decided the D&C was the best route ... we needed to do this so that we could mourn and so that we could eventually move forward.

I won't go in to too great of detail from yesterday other than to say that the staff at the hospital treated me with such warmth and respect that I'm so incredibly grateful.

I was pretty much calm and collected until the nurse called for me to follow her and for my husband to wait until I had an IV. That's when I completely lost it to the point where I could.not.breathe.

She changed her mind and let him come with us after all. Thankfully.

The only other time I lost it was when they pushed me into the fucking operating room. I really wished they put me under prior to that, but what can you do?

Anyway, it was a long day yesterday. When we finally got home, we had no cable or internet so I napped (weeeee was that anesthesia fun!) and DH played some video game then napped with me. Then we played more video games together.

Like I stated in the last entry of my baby blog (not sure if I can continue writing in there or not just yet - though my husband tells me I should continue...), my husband promises me that we'll still get our high five (to come when we see and/or hear a heart beat).

So that's what I'm holding onto right now... knowing and believing that one day soon we'll get our high five, and we'll finally get to be parents.