Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Day 43, Cycle 6 since

Day 43 of my sixth cycle since the d&c.

Today involved a trip to the doctor.

I cried.

I tried not to. But I couldn’t help it.

When I first walked in, I was greeted by a barely walking little boy. My heart felt a tug. When I turned the corner to get to the receptionist’s area, I was greeted by pregnant belly after pregnant belly. As I sat down to fill out paperwork, a male voice behind me said, “Yeah, it’s another girl.”

I tried not to cry.

Then a little girl appeared. Maybe two. “She’s so cute,” was said over and over again. She really, really was. I think she was the big sister to the girl mentioned in the phone call from the guy behind me.

I filled out the paperwork, wiping a tear here and there.

I should be 8 months pregnant right now. I should be seriously freaking out about giving birth in a couple weeks. It should be hard for me to fit behind the steering wheel in the car.

Instead, I’m visiting the doctor because it’s been 43 days since my last period.

My name is called and I look up at the girl calling out for me. She, too, is pregnant.

I wanted to collapse to the floor, shrink into the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep.

“How are you?” she asked.

“OK,” I whispered, trying to stifle the tears.

I followed her down two short hallways into a room. She closed the door behind us.

“So why are you here today?” she asked, looking down at her paperwork.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t make eye contact. I tried my best to breathe and when I tried speaking, I lost it. I started crying...sobbing uncontrollably whilst trying to apologize.

“It’s OK,” she said.

I don’t think she believed it was either.

After a good minute, I finally managed to tell her why I was there – because I was still waiting for my period. And I finally managed to tell her it was my sixth cycle since the d&c.

I cried some more. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t look at her. And I knew she felt pity for me and that made me cry more. I hate that I’m becoming (or maybe I’ve already become?) that person that everyone feels pity for. I HATE IT!

She told me it was going to be OK (not very convincingly) and that I needed to undress from the waist down and that the doc would be in shortly.

I suspect she left there, rubbing her belly and saying a little something to her baby as she walked to the front for her next patient. I know I would’ve.

I pulled myself together in time for the doc to come in. We talked for quite a while. He looked through all the paperwork and I saw the ultrasound printouts from six months ago. My heart sank. I looked away and recited the alphabet in my mind as we talked about everything.

He really is a great doctor when he doesn’t have to be the bearer of horrific news.

He did an internal exam.

We talked a bit more about everything baby/TTC related. We both agree that Stephen and I are going to continue trying for another 5 months… and if no BFP by July, one year following my one and only BFP, then doc will turn me over to an RE.

Before leaving entirely, he had the girls draw blood and then do another ultrasound. My fifth in six months – and I’m not even pregnant.

“This goes into the vagina,” the tech said, holding a wand of sorts. “I can guide it in or you can.”

Wah?!? Why the fuck would I want to ‘guide in’ a fucking camera?! “Um you can.”

Ugh. This one was painful. She poked and prodded and pushed that fucking wand around a good bit before telling me to get dressed again and come out when done.

When I did, she took me to another room and the doc came right away. He told me my uterus looked great (and I believed him). He said my ovaries had follicles and everything looked the way it should. He said if I didn’t get “any blood” (he was careful not to say “a period” or “menstruation” interestingly enough) in the next two weeks to come back.

So now I wait. Again.


Angie said...

That sounds like hell. You shouldn't have had to do that alone. You're a strong woman. ::hugs:: I'm glad you saw your doctor.

kathleen said...

You are so strong -- that was a huge appointment. Let me know if you need anything.

Kim said...

Oy! It sounds like you have the worst waiting room ever! You have been through so much. How can I pity you when you have such great hair? :)

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