Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Ugliness

I should not be feeling like this.

I should not be feeling like this. I should not be feeling like this. I should not be feeling like this!

I just found out that someone I know is in labor. She’s having a baby. She’s having her and her husband’s baby. She’s becoming a mom. And while I’m truly happy and excited for her, I’m also crying. Literally crying! And they are not tears of joy or excitement.

I’m so ugly right now.

I have horrific cramps, I feel like I’m going to bleed everywhere, I feel like I’m going to vomit, and I’m in tears because someone else is becoming a mom.

I’m so ugly!

I took some more pain killers when I found out. Pain killers left over from the D and C.

I was trying not to take the pain killers because I really don’t want to get addicted… but then I found out someone else was becoming a mom so I took them.

Piss poor reason, really.

They didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I think I feel more depressed than ever.

I hate feeling like this… and I don’t know what ‘this’ is per say. Is it jealousy, anger, sadness? All of it? None of it?

I keep thinking about my age, too and that doesn’t help matters. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30. I don’t want to be an old mom. My dad is 75 and it hasn’t been easy dealing with him and he was 39 when I was born. I don’t want to be a burden to my child in 30 years. Motherfucker this wasn’t supposed to go down like this. None of it was supposed to happen this way.

My whole fucking life hasn’t gone the way it was supposed to.

I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I love life, period. But I’m just so incredibly motherfucking tired of watching things happen for others that should be happening to me. I deserve the things I want. I paid my dues.

When is it my turn?

I’m so fucking ugly right now and I fucking hate it.

I need to get a grip. I need to get over the fact that I’m not a mom yet and just BELIEVE that I will become one soon. I really need to believe again. I need to let go of the negativity and focus on the positivity:

  • I’m alive.
  • I’m relatively healthy.
  • I have a wonderful husband who loves me so, so much.
  • It’s a beautiful time of year.
  • I’m an aunt to some amazing kids, most of whom are functioning grown adults.
  • I’m a great aunt to a beautiful almost 2-year-old angel.
  • I have a job.
  • I have a roof over my head and a working car.
  • I have food on the table.
  • I have lots of love inside to give.
  • I love myself.
  • I like myself.
  • Life is so good. It’s so, so good.
  • And I know my time to be a mom will come. It will. It must. I have to believe. I have to.

(I just wish I wasn’t so ugly right now)

3 comments:

Espresso Mom said...

C-
Please don't beat yourself up for being human and having human, raw emotions. Your time WILL come. You DO deserve it and it WILL happen. And when it does, I know you'll do one hell of a job at it.

Kelli said...

You have every right to be "ugly" sometimes too. I'm hitting the bitter wall myself. So what if you are upset that another person is having a baby? That's OK. But just know that it will be you sometime, hopefully sometime very soon. I never planned on getting married at 30 - hell I planned on having my first child at 25. I certainly never planned on losing a child, I'm sure you didn't either. But sometimes it is WAY sweeter when you get things in ways you didn't plan. Lots of hugs to you.

Kimz said...

Oh hon, my heart aches for you right now reading this. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a huge hug, seriously.

Kim

 
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