TGIF

I didn't sleep well last night. I've got consistent cramps and lots of bleeding. And I stupidly didn't use tampons because I didn't think I was supposed to for my first period after the surgery. I don't know why I thought that and even S told me to just use them, but I didn't. So the bleeding and the cramps were pretty hard to deal with whilst sleeping and I actually woke up crying because I thought I had bled everywhere!

How old am I again?

Ugh. Today I'm wearing tampons. Fuck pads. I can't believe I went a good twenty years of menstruating with pads! I can't believe I didn't start wearing tampons until just about five or six years ago?! I don't know how I did it!

Anyway, enough of that.

S told me yesterday that I sounded better. He said I sounded like the sweet girl he fell in love with and married. Yeah, I've been pretty miserable the past month. First I had to deal with the loss, then the surgery, then healing. Then I apparently had horrid PMS... so much so that I apparently turn into a different person and actually sound different.

I believe him, too, because oddly I feel better about us today. I'm ashamed to admit that the last couple of weeks, I actually thought that I could leave my husband and just be by myself for the rest of my life!

Ack, it's just good to be back to me again and it's good that it's finally Friday!

A new day

Yesterday turned out to be a rough day for me as proven through my reaction of getting my period. But today's a new day and that means the world, once again, is my oyster - something I learned from my dearly departed grandfather as he used to say, "Everything is new because today's a new day" after answering his own question of "What's new?"

God I miss that man. So, so much.

Sure I have my period which means no pregnancy right now, but it also means that everything is in working order and my chances of getting pregnant again are pretty damn good. It also means that some, if not a lot, of the irritability should dissipate. And that's damn good news for everyone involved! ;)

Maybe now I can lighten up about my 36th birthday in two days... it is, after all, just a stupid number and lord knows that I don't *feel* like I'm inching closer and closer to the big 4-0.

Anyway, here's to a new day where everything is a new!

Unexpected

It's funny how you can spend time thinking how you might react to something if it were to happen and then when it happens, you react in a completely different way - or in a way that surprises you.

When I POAS last Friday and clearly got only one line, I wasn't really upset or anything. I wasn't really... anything...if that makes sense. I just accepted it and moved on and had no real thoughts about it. It is what it is, after all.

Moments ago, however, I just went to the bathroom and when I wiped, I saw pink on the tissue. Apparently the gates are opening and AF is deciding to visit now - three days before my birthday. Why not, right?

Anyway, when I saw the pink and then looked at my panties and saw a blurry smudgy spot of red/brown, my heart practically sank and tears immediately formed in my eyes.

And as I type this, I'm finding it almost hard to breathe as the tears fall out of my eyes.

One after the other.

I wasn't expecting this reaction whatsoever.

I can't stop crying.

It's like it's really real now. Yesterday I was reminded of the D and C when I got the bill for it. Today I get my period.

It really did happen.

I was pregnant one day... not so long ago.

I was really going to become a mom finally.

For four weeks, it became more and more real that life was growing inside me and I was finally going to become the mom I've wanted to become for so, so long.

And then one day, the doctor told me there was no more hope for growth. The doctor told me he was 100% sure it was over.

Just like that.

After 7 months of trying to get pregnant... it was all over.

And the next day I had the surgery.

And now, 34 days later, I'm finally menstruating.

And the tears flood my eyes again.

:(

I just truly was not expecting this sort of reaction.

Day 35

Ugh. I've never had to wait this long for my period and it really sucks. I'll POAS Saturday if still no AF.

I got a second notification yesterday regarding my insurance not covering the D and C. I was in near tears when I opened it up and saw the charge for the procedure - $6900. For fuck's sake. And I'm sure they won't cover it because it probably reads as an abortion. That's the most sickening part of this.

Whatthefuckever.

S is going to talk to the insurance as soon as I sign a HIPAA release form stating they can discuss it with him. Hopefully something can be worked out.

I'm tired of complaining... so if I don't post much these days, that's why - I'm waiting for some good news.

Labor Day

Well it's been 33 days since the surgery and still no sign of AF. I did POAS Friday and it was, without a doubt, only one line (negative). In a way I was relieved because at least it means that when I do get a BFP, it won't be a false positive... right? But in another sense, I was a little down because it means I still have to play the Waiting Game.

And I'm just not a big fan of the Waiting Game.

I've never had to wait this long to get my period. I (obviously) had very regular cycles when I was on the Pill for umpteen years - and up till I got my BFP two months ago, my cycles were still very regular, never going over 30 days.

And here I am at 33 days.

I won't POAS again until my birthday on Saturday, though because any other PMS or BFP symptoms just aren't there: My boobs don't hurt; I've had cramps here and there but only for a couple minutes at a time and very sporadically; I've always had a pretty keen sense of smell so yesterday's raunchy reaction to potatoes (they were cooked like risotto) wasn't too abnormal I don't think; I've always had sporadic heart burn so who knows if that's a 'symptom'.

S says the doctor told me it could take a couple months for my body to realize that I need to get my period again so all I can do is wait.

I suppose it's for the best anyway as I haven't been getting much sleep lately due to where I live. Have I bitched about that lately?

Yeah, I hate where I live. I hate my neighbors, I hate the commute, I hate everything about where I live except for one thing - my husband. If it weren't for him, I'd be outta here yesterday.

Ugh.

We have so much shit to do today because yesterday was spent as if we were hungover due to getting no sleep the night before... not because we wanted this to happen but because the neighbors below us decided to have a party till 5AM and then one of the party goers realized her key was in the house with all the passed out drunk people. It's enough to make me vomit so I'm not going there. I'm just fucking tired of being this old and living but a bunch of people who should be in a fucking frat house or something.

So today when we should be doing nothing but relaxing, we have to clean clean clean and go out and do some laundry. And it's fucking hot out again.

God, am I just a big ol' ray of sunshine these days.

I really need to change my tune. Really and desperately. I'm sick and tired of doing nothing but bitching lately... it's draining.