Wednesday, September 10, 2008

On being an Aunt

I've been one to always believe that things happen for a reason... but when it came to my pregnancy ending, believing in a reason was very difficult. For the most part, I keep trying to tell myself that it was because something bad would’ve happened had the pregnancy progressed and that my body and the Universe knew this so ended it before I could fall even more in love and before life could be breathed by the little one. But I hate that reason. I hate that reason because the fact of the matter is that this is just not fair.

I've waited so long to be a mom.

I've sat by and watched what to do and what not to do.

I've seen horrendous mistakes made by others and I've tried to learn from them.

I've seen the gift of a child given to people who simply should not be allowed to procreate.

I've acted like mom, only to be shunned with title of Aunt.

Understand something: I'm proud of my aunthood. I remember becoming an aunt for the first time 21 years ago and my life completely and utterly changing. All of a sudden I had a purpose in life - and that purpose was to do whatever I could to protect "my kids" from enduring pain that wasn't needed.

So I stuck to that vow - even living with one nephew for five years. And I'm proud of my aunthood, I really and truly am.

But is being an Aunt all that I was meant to be in this life? I love the job and I take pride in it, but will I not get my chance to be Mom, too?

I'm not giving up hope entirely on becoming a mom... but in the meantime, I'm needed as Aunt. It's time to put the cape on again.

And while I strap on that cape, I can't help but wonder if this need for my Aunt Powers is another 'reason' why I'm not in my 2nd trimester and preparing for motherhood? Can I not do both jobs at once?


Espresso Mom said...

I guarantee that being an Aunt isn't the "only" thing you are meant to be in this lifetime.
The things that you've been through up until this point is only preparing you for things to come. Maybe think of it as lessons you needed to learn.
Do you realize the impact you've had as "just an Aunt"??
No matter how much he won't admit it now, some day, at some time, he'll come to the realization that you've been there for him through it all. He'll be forever grateful.

And that will make him a better cousin for it.

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