Some way. Some how.

So we’re all moved in and pretty much unpacked. There are still a couple of boxes in the office and some right outside of our bedroom door, but those are all S’s shit that I just don’t know what to do with. I’ve done all that I can while he’s been coughing up a lung one weekend and with a fever the next.

Now we’re ready for entertaining and I have to say I’m really looking forward to having people over again. It’s been years and I miss it. I get tired of always having to go out to everyone else’s place. So Easter will be our first time in several years – since before we got married – that we have someone over...My dad.

It’s a start, right?

I’m making lunch: Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Anise (fennel) salad.

Unfortunately we’ll be eating on a folding card table because we haven’t yet found and purchased a dining set we like. We also need a table of sorts to place next to the couch by the entry way and hallway. It’s too bare. And while I like to keep things simple and clean, a small table would be perfect to place keys and mail on when we come home.

Other than the apartment stuff that’s all I got.

I took my temp this morning – begrudgingly. I’m just not feeling the whole TTC thing. Of course I still ache for a family, but what the fuck more can I do about it?!

My skin has been looking great these days. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I was certain I had some skin disease or infection the other month.

My cycles have been 27 days on the dot the past couple. I’m not sure what that’s all about since I had that 45+ one the other month.

I don’t know. I’m super tired of so much lately. Super tired.

I think I need to start planning a vacation or something. But that entails having money. Or at least a private jet or something.

Sigh.

Some way, some how… right?

Oh, and before I forget! I came across an amazing description of the... agony ... behind infertility and pregnancy loss. I encourage anyone to read THIS but it will tug at your soul.

We have Liftoff!

Or do we?

Today = CD18. My temps since the last day of my last period have been 97.18, 97.35, 96.96, 97.12, 97.32, 97.66, 97.35, 96.85, 97.05, 97.17, 97.15 and then today's is 97.87!

But! The damn digital OPK will only give me an O reading and not a :) .

Sigh.

This is so ridiculously frustrating.

Whatever.

Fortunately I've had other things to focus on instead of just the gdamn TTC bullshit. Like the moving thing. We get the keys in just a couple hours, but found out yesterday that A) the gas won't be turned on until Monday so there will be no heat, no hot water (and that leaves me thinking back on some days after my parents split - yay); B) the washer/dryer and dishwasher won't be installed until later next week (which sucks ass because we have mountains of clothes to wash).

It certainly could be worse, that's for sure.

So today we're taking out some garbage since this morning was garbage day and the bins are finally empty again (one of the best things about moving is the purging - ahhhh!); then we're heading over to the new place to meet the realtor to get the keys to the place; then we'll measure the windows; head over to Home Depot to get a rug for the living room and one for the dining room, rods for the drapes, maybe some blinds; come back here to the apartment and grab some simple, light items to load into the car; grab more garbage to fill the bins as a thank you/parting gift to our frat partying neighbors; then plan on going back to the new place to unload some stuff and hopefully hang up some window treatments.

That's the plan, at least. Ha.

Tomorrow the movers are set to come at 12:30 but evidentally we were told to be ready as early as 8:30. Fun times.

In review of this, it's probably a good thing I didn't have a :) read on that OPK as I'm not sure when we can fit in Sexy time today or tomorrow. :/

That little thing called Knowledge

So today we're going to talk about basal thermometers and how they truly do work. They take your exact temperature without rounding, and they're *the* tool to use when trying to track ovulation. Fuck those OPK's. Fuck tracking your CM. Take your temperature around the same waking hour every morning and you will be able to figure out when you ovulate (after the fact, unfortunately) and when/if you're about to get AF or are pregnant.

It really does work!

If you're TTC, buy TCOYF and read it and follow it and practice what's described in that book. And if you do so, you will, possibly for the first time in your life, truly know and understand your body and how it works - as far as ovulating and shit, at least.

I charted my temps for about six straight months and each month I knew when I ovulated and I knew the day before AF came. It never failed. That number always dropped pretty significantly right before AF. Then when I got pregnant, I knew I could believe my eyes and the HPT. I knew it because the next week or so when I woke and stuck that basal thermometer in my mouth and took my temp, the numbers were still high.

It was glorious, really.

But after the d&c, I stopped tracking. I put everything away and submerged myself into a pity party that nobody else was invited to. And every month thereafter, I was left wondering if that was *the* month when I would get pregnant again. And every month I didn't take my temperatures, I was blindsided when AF showed.

All because of a stupid little basal thermometer.

This past cycle was going to be different, though. This past cycle we were moving up to bigger, more expensive things: digital OPK's. And after peeing on 14 expensive sticks and never getting a smiley face, I was left feeling quite deflated.

So I found that trusty, little ol' basal thermometer and took my temperature about three days ago, then the next. And it was high (for me). Maybe I did O super early and maybe, just maybe that temp would remain high for days and weeks to come! A girl can dream, right?

The third day (yesterday) I temped, my temperature dropped pretty significantly (from 98.04 to 97.54) and I knew what was heading into town. So last night when I went pee and saw some spotting, I wasn't surprised one bit. And this morning, when the spotting become a light flow, I wasn't blindsided like I have been the past 6 months. (Though I will admit that I'm a little... peeved... that this past cycle was 27 days long when the one prior was 43 or something?!? WTF, body??! WTF?)

I'm not happy about AF, but I'm also not upset, devastated, shocked, deflated. I'm just...not pregnant.

So the lesson today is that Knowledge truly is Power and every woman wanting to really know their cycle - whether or not you're TTC or TTA - should invest a whopping $10 on a basal thermometer and take their temp every morning before they get out of bed, before they speak.

Do I or don't I?

That's the burning question.

Grrr.

I'm on CD22 and 12 digital, expensive-as-hell OPK sticks later and still no smiley face! :(

So do I or don't I ... buy more sticks? We're already out $70 this month (they're $40 for seven fucking sticks! but we were lucky to find ONE box on sale).

My boobs hurt so I know AF is coming. I guess I could've O'd early and I'm really just k/u. But it's very doubtful.

I really am not a fan of this TTC bullshit. I just want to make that clear.

Sunday, bloody Sunday?

I got out of the shower a little bit ago and was moisturizing the old face and noticed how tired I look. I then smiled, trying to use some PMA (positive mental attitude) to look more 'alive'. That's when all the lines under my eyes appeared.

I'm getting old. There's no mistaking it.

I know they're just wrinkles and it's what's on the inside that counts... but then I think about how I'm *still* not a mom yet and boy does it kinda bring me down.


I've been tracking on excel my cycles and I had yesterday's box in pink because I thought maybe I'd get my period. Nope. I ran in the bathroom all day checking. There were several times I was cramping like it was coming but nothing. My boobs aren't really sore either. Strange, that. I'm trying not to get too excited because I really don't think our timing was there this cycle... but I didn't think it was timed good the cycle I got my BFP either. So who knows. Oh wait, I know! Duh!

I thought about my cycles and such and I'm not really sure why I had yesterday as the day I should get my period. That was only day 25 of this cycle. Stupid.

Basically if I don't get AF by February, then I might have something to think about.

All this has made me realize that I miss tracking my morning temps and stuff. There was no guesswork when I took my temps. Either it was still high and I was still in the 2WW or it dropped signifying AF... or, like in July, it got a bit higher and higher and never dropped! Boy was that exciting... waking up every morning after the BFP to see my temps were still up, making me believe more and more that my dreams were coming true. I was so insanely excited. I had a constant smile on my face. I enjoyed the constant peeing, the horrendously sore boobs, the occasional cramping. I loved it all because I was finally going to be a Mom.

Blech, enough of that.

Yeah so I'm realizing more and more that it's time to get back with the true tracking of it all. As much as it was nice not to have to freak out about the timing of everything and have baby on the brain 24/7, it just hasn't been cutting it. I'd rather know for sure if and when AF is coming.

Getting on track

So once again it's been awhile. I guess that means things have been OK. And they have... for the most part.

My little meltdowns have gotten smaller and smaller and just not as significant. Apparently. I'm not as angry or jealous. That's not to say that there's no anger or jealousy because believe me, there most certainly is; it just doesn't seem to consume me as much lately. Thankfully.

I bought something for myself just before Christmas. Something to maybe help us along in this hideous game of trying to conceive. It's called Fertile-Focus and it's a tiny magnifying glass that takes a drop of your saliva and tells you - by way of looking through tiny scope and observing the patterns of your saliva - if you're ovulating. I've been using it since just before the new year and according to what I'm supposed to be looking for, I still haven't ovulated. So now I'm not sure if the damn thing works. I figured it was worth a shot and the $30 because unlike ovulation prediction kits/sticks, this Fertility Focus is something you can use as often as you want. I figured it was cheaper to go this route but now I'm not sure I didn't just throw away $30.

Ugh.

Anyway... I guess my point is that I'm ready to try and track things again. Poo. I really didn't want it to come back down to tracking shit, but I suppose it's best to be as knowledgeable about my cycles as possible for my next doctor's appointment. It's been six months since the miscarriage, after all. (I've been charting by way of Excel spreadsheet when my period et al comes, but I have NOT been temping or being very anal about it all.)

Can I just say how much this fucking sucks, though?! Because it does. Because all those people who preached (and still do today) for me (and others) to "Just Relax and you'll get Pregnant" were apparently wrong. Apparently not really giving a shit about my cycle hasn't really helped me conceive any sooner than caring about it did. So there! Now I can tell you to Shut the Fuck Up when you start telling me to relax again. Not that you'll have a real reason to tell me to relax since I never ever talk about TTC anymore.

I find that not really talking about it (on message boards as that's really the only place I talked about it) and not really paying much attention (or at least *trying* not to pay attention) to all the baby talk out there, has helped me let go of some of the ugliness that consumed me for so long. But it's not easy. I still have my moments when I get all teary eyed, when I feel like it's happening for everyone else but me. I still get angry and jealous and even ugly about it all. But I've learned to somehow accept those feelings when they come for what they are and then do my best to move on. I mean, what other choice do I have really? It's either drown myself in the ugliness to the point where it's who I am (again) or do my best to let it go.

And I like myself a lot more when I do the latter.

Totally losing it - my mind, that is.

I might have to tell one of my oldest friends that I miscarried.

FUCK!

See this friend I talk of... we go way back. She befriended me in 8th grade in 1986. "B" was the only one to become my friend that year (it was a new school for me as my mother shockingly moved me yet again). She would call me her best friend after a couple months, but I never trusted anyone enough to call them my best friend. Pathetic, yes but I digress.

We remained close friends for almost 20 years - even through all of my moves and new schools. Then about 6 years ago, we lost touch. Just like that. Poof, no more contact. I tried emailing and calling a couple times but after absolutely no acknowledgement, I moved on.

Last year I found her sister on Myspace and through her, B and I eventually reconnected and I soon learned that she was moving to Europe with her boyfriend and shortly after she moved, I learned that she actually was married to her boyfriend. About a month after the move, we started emailing more regularily and a couple months after that, I learned that B was having a baby - due this October.

The news shocked me a little... not just because of my need to become a Mom, but more so than that, it was the story behind her pregnancy that shocked me the most: her husband never wanted to have children but wasn't always careful so oops she became pregnant.

She said some other things that really stung - basically making it seem like having babies and/or getting married is all a competition. For some, yes, that may be the case, but please do not lump me into that sum of ignorant people.

I moved on - as I often have done in the past.

B had her baby girl several weeks ago. They're both healthy and doing well. B and her husband and the baby will be moving back next month. And while a part of me is happy because we'll be able to spend time together in person again, a part of me is dreading this... especially after her latest comment of "You need to have a baby so we can have play dates."

Um... yeah.

On top of all that, one of our mutual friends, who was originally B's friend, is 12 weeks pregnant. So I can just imagine getting together with them - one with child and one with an out of womb baby, and me.

Sounds fun and delightful for a SANE person but as I discussed in my last post, I think I'm going insane or am already there.

UGH.

I don't know what my fucking point with all this is really.

Yesterday was Grandparents Day.

Did you know that?

It's funny because when I was pregnant, I figured that I would share news of the pregnancy with everyone around my birthday. I didn't even realize the day after my birthday was Grandparents Day. How fitting would that have been to tell our parents that they were going to be grandparents (again for my parents) on Grandparents Day?

Maybe next year.

So my period is over with. Just as soon as it smacked my ass down, it went away. Funny how that works sometimes. Good riddance, I say.

Now it's time to play the game of trying to get pregnant again. Yip-fucking-pee. While I enjoy sex - a lot - I have no desire to try to time things perfectly and hold my breath when AF is due again. God, it's such a tiring fucking game.

I'm not going to chart and take my temps either. I'm done with all that. If it happens, it happens. If I end up 50 and childless, I guess I wasn't brought here to be a mother.

As with many things in life, time will tell.