March 5, 2009

So... yesterday. Ha!

Yesterday, S and I I looked at another apartment that was absolutely perfect. Good location, adorable building, fantastic space. It had "us" written all over it... except it stank like water had been sitting in there for 20 years and there was very little water pressure.

Another one bites the dust. :(

Prior to apartment hunting (we were supposed to see two places but of course the other one was rented an hour before we were to go see it), the shit sort of hit the fan with a group of friends. And by group of friends, I'm not talking a handful of college mates or something; I'm talking 55 women who've gathered from the area and created a private online forum to shoot the shit. Something we've done now for well over a year.

55 women.
Grown women.
From 20s to late 30s.
55 FEMALES.
One year.
Got it?

Anyway...(I'm sure some are checking in here to see if I would post about it. Or not. Whatever, it's coolio) I wasn't going to write about it but writing out my feelings, as most of them should very well know by now, is what I do. Good or bad. Happy or sad... I write.

S told me last night- after I told him a 'shortened' version of the days events - that I have a way of keeping shit in until I explode. Yeah. I kinda do. And that's THE ONLY THING I'm sorry about. Not that anyone cares. Not that it matters.

I dunno. A part of me feels bad that things went down the way they did, but a bigger part of me is relieved. It's just too fucking hard for me to pretend to be OK with someone when I'm not. I mean, it's not that I hate *any* one or anything... (I have little hatred - believe it or not - inside of me. Hate is just not a good emotion to carry around. It will age you and it will break you. Sometimes more than once. I've been broken due to anger, so I do know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, it's really stupid things really: one person was questioned about something pretty personal and pretty hard to talk about, and, in turn, that opened the door for that person to be talked about behind her back.

THE HORROR, I know!
She got greatly offended, as did her minions. And now sides are asked to be taken.

While I truly can understand why someone would be incredibly hurt by the behind-the-back gossip, isn't that what happens with women? They gossip? And sometimes that gossip turns into nit-picking, utter bullshit? Isn't that what happens? Or am I totally off base here? Maybe I am! I'm not an expert. I've never been "the popular one" a day in my fucking life. And if I was, well, it's news to me!

I could give two fucking shits about what clothing is in, what car I should drive, what neighborhood I live in (as long as the drunks keep their urine and vomit out of my path), whether or not I should color my hair, what trendy fucking restaurant I should frequent, what exotic destination I should tour. And neither should anyone else... especially someone in their 30s for fucks sake! Do what YOU want to do!

Sure it would hurt me and offend me if I found out some people were talking about me behind my back, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me and I would simply disconnect from said people. My god am I grateful I never had to deal with this fucking bullshit in my youth. I guess there really are benefits to being a loner!

I dunno.... I guess I had more to say than I thought because I feel like I'm begging my fingers to stop typing. I mean, what the fuck does any of this have to do with miscarriage and TTC and trying to move past the fact that my due date was supposed to be in five days?!

Grrrr.

But here's the thing: People are hurt. And I truly recognize and I truly, wholeheartedly feel bad about that. I don't take back anything I said - just maybe how it was said and where it was said and definitely what has transpired as a result.

Ugh. It's just... how do you tell someone (out of a huge group of people) you don't trust them when the bottom line is that they aren't really doing anything outright to break your trust? How do you tell them that you find some of their stories to be a bit too dramatic and too far fetched? I mean, who the fuck am I to say that to someone? So you just try to ignore it and them and slowly start to separate yourself from them. At least that's what I try to do.

I'm not out to hurt anyone... just like they aren't.

But it's hard when you can't completely disconnect from them and can't completely ignore it. I get it, I do. That's what I blew up too!

Wow.

Anyway... I said what I said and I think that enabled me to sleep like a baby last night! Oh man, it was so glorious! Granted I was awakened at 1:30 in the morning with killer fucking cramps and had to beg my husband to heat the heating pad and bring me pain meds, but as soon as the heating pad was wrapped around me and the meds started kicking in... off to sleepy-bye I went.

Yet somehow I'm tired again today. And the lines under my eyes?!? Oy vey! Not pretty. My age is finally catching up with me and starting to show... joyous!

I caught up with a shit load of work today and that felt really good, too.

But I had a big problem with my period.

*** TMI ahead TMI ahead TMI ahead ***

I bled like I haven't bled ever. And I know I say this every cycle but this was different. This had me in tears from fear. This had me *this close* to calling the doctor or going to the hospital.

The blood wouldn't stop coming. It was so heavy that when I went to the bathroom an hour after I got into work, two hours after inserting a tampon, the tampon came out as soon as I sat on the pot! I was flipping out. There was blood all over the front of my panties and onto my pants!!!! Thank GOD I was wearing black pants!! OMG the blood wouldn't stop coming. The discharge!! Fuck me! I've never seen anything like it and it made me wonder if I was miscarrying or something! I mean the cramps were atrocious, too, but nothing like that blood. I never ever want to see something like that again.

But I did - an hour later.

:(

Yeah it's been a hellish day for me and dear Aunt Flo. The cunt.

Day 43, Cycle 6 since

Day 43 of my sixth cycle since the d&c.

Today involved a trip to the doctor.

I cried.

I tried not to. But I couldn’t help it.

When I first walked in, I was greeted by a barely walking little boy. My heart felt a tug. When I turned the corner to get to the receptionist’s area, I was greeted by pregnant belly after pregnant belly. As I sat down to fill out paperwork, a male voice behind me said, “Yeah, it’s another girl.”

I tried not to cry.

Then a little girl appeared. Maybe two. “She’s so cute,” was said over and over again. She really, really was. I think she was the big sister to the girl mentioned in the phone call from the guy behind me.

I filled out the paperwork, wiping a tear here and there.

I should be 8 months pregnant right now. I should be seriously freaking out about giving birth in a couple weeks. It should be hard for me to fit behind the steering wheel in the car.

Instead, I’m visiting the doctor because it’s been 43 days since my last period.

My name is called and I look up at the girl calling out for me. She, too, is pregnant.

I wanted to collapse to the floor, shrink into the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep.

“How are you?” she asked.

“OK,” I whispered, trying to stifle the tears.

I followed her down two short hallways into a room. She closed the door behind us.

“So why are you here today?” she asked, looking down at her paperwork.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t make eye contact. I tried my best to breathe and when I tried speaking, I lost it. I started crying...sobbing uncontrollably whilst trying to apologize.

“It’s OK,” she said.

I don’t think she believed it was either.

After a good minute, I finally managed to tell her why I was there – because I was still waiting for my period. And I finally managed to tell her it was my sixth cycle since the d&c.

I cried some more. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t look at her. And I knew she felt pity for me and that made me cry more. I hate that I’m becoming (or maybe I’ve already become?) that person that everyone feels pity for. I HATE IT!

She told me it was going to be OK (not very convincingly) and that I needed to undress from the waist down and that the doc would be in shortly.

I suspect she left there, rubbing her belly and saying a little something to her baby as she walked to the front for her next patient. I know I would’ve.

I pulled myself together in time for the doc to come in. We talked for quite a while. He looked through all the paperwork and I saw the ultrasound printouts from six months ago. My heart sank. I looked away and recited the alphabet in my mind as we talked about everything.

He really is a great doctor when he doesn’t have to be the bearer of horrific news.

He did an internal exam.

We talked a bit more about everything baby/TTC related. We both agree that Stephen and I are going to continue trying for another 5 months… and if no BFP by July, one year following my one and only BFP, then doc will turn me over to an RE.

Before leaving entirely, he had the girls draw blood and then do another ultrasound. My fifth in six months – and I’m not even pregnant.

“This goes into the vagina,” the tech said, holding a wand of sorts. “I can guide it in or you can.”

Wah?!? Why the fuck would I want to ‘guide in’ a fucking camera?! “Um you can.”

Ugh. This one was painful. She poked and prodded and pushed that fucking wand around a good bit before telling me to get dressed again and come out when done.

When I did, she took me to another room and the doc came right away. He told me my uterus looked great (and I believed him). He said my ovaries had follicles and everything looked the way it should. He said if I didn’t get “any blood” (he was careful not to say “a period” or “menstruation” interestingly enough) in the next two weeks to come back.

So now I wait. Again.

Blech.

I've been doing well lately. Then I got AF this morning. Whatevs, right? I was pretty proud with the fact that I was dealing with it OK... compared to the breakdowns I was having the past couple months, at least.

I had a doc appt at 11:40 for my blood pressure (need new scrit). I get there right on time and wait and wait.

A little girl was there waiting with me. She was about 1.5 and all she could say was Da-Da but super loud. It was cute. She was cute. I smiled. Inside I welled up a bit though. I'm so gd selfish sometimes.

Then another couple comes in with a kid, about 6. I smiled at her, too but cried inside.

WTF? This isn't a gynie's office, what's with the kids? Oh yeah it's Dec 23 and no school. I'm such an idiot.

But it gets better.

I finally get called to see the doc. Yay, it's the one I like, the one who helped me with my shingles. While I'm waiting I look at his bulletin board with a homemade coloring that said Dr. CoolDoctor is the best. There were a bunch of photos of kids and the doc holding various newborns. I'm thinking he might be a gynie or a pediatrician. I didn't ask. I can't ask. Not just yet eh.

He comes in and we're talking and he's looking at my computerized chart and asks a question I haven't been asked in ages and didn't think I would be asked for a while: How many weeks are you?

I'm not mad, just sad. He didn't know he was basically punching me in the stomach with his question... although I swear I told them months ago to take it out of their system that I was pregnant.

I'm not, I replied. I had a missed abortion.

Oh my god, he replied, quickly. And that made me feel even worse. I'm so sorry. And I know he meant it. He's really a nice doctor.

If I was, I'd be like 28 weeks or something. Wow, huh. I think about it - specifically how far along I'd be - every so often. Everyone would know I was pg by now. Everyone. I'd be fat, but pg at least. Ha.

I'd spend Christmas Eve and Day with people doting on me, asking me how I'm feeling, how things are coming along. People would ask about the sex of the baby, names, nursery, etc. OMG it would consume my every waking moment.

But it doesn't cuz I'm not pg. I'm still not going to be a mom.


Holy fuck it's times like this when I wish I didn't insist on writing about everything and getting everything out of me. I know, in the long run, it's quite cathartic, but fuck me does it hurt right now... and it doesn't help that AF decided to visit today.

I'm OK. Just needed to get that out.

Raw, raw, raw and so, so ugly.

You've been warned (up there in the title - it's about this post and what you might read).

I got my period about four hours ago and I'm not handling it well at all. I didn't cry as soon as I saw the pink on the tissue like I did the first periods after the d&c, but I cried all the way home. Actually, I didn't really physically cry during the drive home because I had to see where I was going, but I cried in my head and my heart and soul. And now I'm sobbing like a bitch and the tears won't stop falling and I can't breathe out of my fucking nose.

I just don't know how much more I can do this.

I really don't understand how others do this and for much longer periods of time. I mean, I *know* there are couples out there that have been trying for years and years to have kids. Some get pregnant and lose their babies. Some never get pregnant. How do they keep at it? How? This is not a rhetorical question! If you've happened to stumble on this, I'm sorry for the negativity, but please tell me *how* you keep doing this. Please!

It's not even fun anymore. I get excited to see egg whites, I tell S about it and he could care less. I'm tired of this. I know he doesn't want this as much as me, but I also know he wants it a little, at least, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me... so why the fuck won't he fuck me more during ovulation?!?

Did I mention this would be a raw and ugly post? Well, yeah, I did. Up there in the motherfucking title is where I mentioned it so if you're disturbed just move on because this is where I come to get it out of my head, get it out of my heart.

I'm fucking sick and motherfucking tired of this. It's just not fun. It actually never was. No, I take that back. It was a little fun and exciting at first, I will admit. But honest to god, after about the first month or so, it wasn't fun anymore.

Yeah, I like me some sex, but this waiting each and every fucking month is for the fucking birds. I can't take it anymore. I can't fucking take it.

And I feel like I'm in a fucking movie... precisely that fucking Baby Mama movie with Tina Fey. I'm the Tina Fey character. Or no, better yet, I feel like I'm in the movie Juno. I'm the Jennifer Garner character. Only there's no Juno character for me to get a baby from.

I don't know. I'm just really tired. And the timing just really sucks. I mean it's Thanksgiving tomorrow and I've been really trying to find something... anything... to be grateful for and just when I think I can do this, I can turn my spirits around and start to be more positive, I turn into a raging bitch because my boobs hurt and I've got cramps that feel like burning and scraping at the same time. And then it comes... my period. And out the window goes any hope for getting pregnant this month.

And once again, I'm left crying and feeling like shit... not because I'm not pregnant, but because I'm still not a mom. And I'm still not going to be a mom. And once again, I'm left wondering why the fuck my husband won't talk to me about adopting.

I just want to be a parent. A parent to a child who calls me Mom or Momma or Mommy and not just Auntie.

Oh god.

This is so, so hard. The holidays are here. It's all about families and good times. That's what it's all about: Life and the holidays - families and good times. I just want to be in the midst of that instead of continuously feeling like I'm on the fucking sidelines cheering everyone else on...

Anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day to give Thanks. And I really really really do have so much to be thankful for; I really do.

Goodnight.

I hate being neglectful

...and I'm noticing I've been neglectful not only here, but with people in my life, too.

I realize that I have a tendency to write more when I'm down - or really up. When I'm somewhere in the middle, I usually don't write so much... I guess cuz I think there's nothing much to say, or because I'm OK with the thoughts swimming in my head.

I don't know, really. It is what it is.

And aside from the lack of blogging, I've come to realize that I've been neglectful to some friends and family. I don't like this, but I think I know why I've been this way recently and I'm hoping that I can accept the reasons or at least move on from them.

The past three months (exactly) have been very trying for me. I've learned a lot - about myself and about others... more so than I thought was possible to learn in such a short time. I've learned who my real friends are. I've learned who is strong in my life and who is weak. I'm not faulting anyone, I'm just saying my eyes have been opened. And it's with this opening that I've become a little more guarded with some, while opening up even more to others.

I've learned that it's OK to be vulnerable and, more importantly, it's OK that others know your vulnerability... that's what allows others to shine in your life or, sadly, disappear. At least that's what happened with me.

It's a lot to process, really. And while I've accepted a lot of this and learned from it, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to proceed from here. Do I tell some who have greatly disappointed me, that they disappointed me? What if they are going through some trying times of their own? Is it right of me to add even more onto that? I don't think so. I understand where they're at, I just really am disappointed at how they chose to deal with things. It's very sad to me. But if I've learned one thing in my life over the past 10 years or so, it's that I cannot control any one's behaviors, actions, reactions, etc but my own. And I have to remind myself of this every single day - sometimes several times a day.

That being said, while I've learned a lot about people the past three months, I'm choosing to accept it as a learning experience of my own and move on. I vow to not let those lessons interfere with my love for these people and I will continue to show them that I am here and I care about what happens to them. We are all just human after all. I just am not sure how much of myself I may give to them anymore.

So maybe I'm not moving on? Ah, life. :)

------------------------------------

In other news, I'm pretty sure I got my period. I've been cramping on and off all week and today, it's pretty much been an all day thing... and then there's the brown stringy discharge I had earlier. It's not a full on waterfall of blood, but I'm sure by this time tomorrow it will be.

And I'm OK with this! Woot, woot! This is the first time in three months that I haven't had a complete breakdown as a result of that bloody whore, Flo. This excites me so, so much.

I really feel like the ugliness is finally leaving me. It was so fucking heavy, too that I can't even begin to describe how relieved I am that it's gone.

I feel like me again. And gosh darnit, I like me. :)

WTF?

So ever since the fucking D and C, my periods have come from nowhere (PMS symptoms of sore boobs and cramping have disappeared) and have been heavier, longer, and more painful than ever before.

WTF is that all about?

Not only can I not tell when I'm getting it these days, but when I do get it, it's practically debilitating. Today is day four of heavy bleeding, horrible cramping, and painful backaches.

This fucking sucks. Not only did I lose a pregnancy, but now I have to have worse periods than ever before. Uh huh, makes perfect sense to me.

Are you kidding me?

I just went to the bathroom and what is on the tissue after I wipe? Blood. WTF? No, really: What. the. fuck?!?!?

It's only been 24 days since the last time that bitch came to town and I'm getting it again? Can't I have 4 more days of no tampons and cramps?!? Where's the warning? Where's the unbearable sore boobs and cramps that make me keel over for a week or two? Where's the extreme irritability?

Do I have to start fucking temping again to know when this bitch will show up?!

UGH.

Why am I blogging about this? Why, after well over 20 years of menstruating every single motherfucking month, am I complaining this month?

Because for the second month in a row, AF has caught me completely off guard. And even though I really thought I tried not getting my hopes up to *not* getting AF and having to POAS and getting a BFP, apparently my hopes were up high again because ONCE AGAIN this little bitch cried like the little bitch that she is. Who the fuck CRIES when they get their period?!

God, I'm so sick of this. I'm so, so sick of this.

I'm sick of the tears, the heartache, the emptiness, the pity parties. I'm sick of feeling like this! And just when I think I'm taking one step forward, I end up taking two steps back and it's infuriating!

Yesterday was Grandparents Day.

Did you know that?

It's funny because when I was pregnant, I figured that I would share news of the pregnancy with everyone around my birthday. I didn't even realize the day after my birthday was Grandparents Day. How fitting would that have been to tell our parents that they were going to be grandparents (again for my parents) on Grandparents Day?

Maybe next year.

So my period is over with. Just as soon as it smacked my ass down, it went away. Funny how that works sometimes. Good riddance, I say.

Now it's time to play the game of trying to get pregnant again. Yip-fucking-pee. While I enjoy sex - a lot - I have no desire to try to time things perfectly and hold my breath when AF is due again. God, it's such a tiring fucking game.

I'm not going to chart and take my temps either. I'm done with all that. If it happens, it happens. If I end up 50 and childless, I guess I wasn't brought here to be a mother.

As with many things in life, time will tell.

TGIF

I didn't sleep well last night. I've got consistent cramps and lots of bleeding. And I stupidly didn't use tampons because I didn't think I was supposed to for my first period after the surgery. I don't know why I thought that and even S told me to just use them, but I didn't. So the bleeding and the cramps were pretty hard to deal with whilst sleeping and I actually woke up crying because I thought I had bled everywhere!

How old am I again?

Ugh. Today I'm wearing tampons. Fuck pads. I can't believe I went a good twenty years of menstruating with pads! I can't believe I didn't start wearing tampons until just about five or six years ago?! I don't know how I did it!

Anyway, enough of that.

S told me yesterday that I sounded better. He said I sounded like the sweet girl he fell in love with and married. Yeah, I've been pretty miserable the past month. First I had to deal with the loss, then the surgery, then healing. Then I apparently had horrid PMS... so much so that I apparently turn into a different person and actually sound different.

I believe him, too, because oddly I feel better about us today. I'm ashamed to admit that the last couple of weeks, I actually thought that I could leave my husband and just be by myself for the rest of my life!

Ack, it's just good to be back to me again and it's good that it's finally Friday!

A new day

Yesterday turned out to be a rough day for me as proven through my reaction of getting my period. But today's a new day and that means the world, once again, is my oyster - something I learned from my dearly departed grandfather as he used to say, "Everything is new because today's a new day" after answering his own question of "What's new?"

God I miss that man. So, so much.

Sure I have my period which means no pregnancy right now, but it also means that everything is in working order and my chances of getting pregnant again are pretty damn good. It also means that some, if not a lot, of the irritability should dissipate. And that's damn good news for everyone involved! ;)

Maybe now I can lighten up about my 36th birthday in two days... it is, after all, just a stupid number and lord knows that I don't *feel* like I'm inching closer and closer to the big 4-0.

Anyway, here's to a new day where everything is a new!

Unexpected

It's funny how you can spend time thinking how you might react to something if it were to happen and then when it happens, you react in a completely different way - or in a way that surprises you.

When I POAS last Friday and clearly got only one line, I wasn't really upset or anything. I wasn't really... anything...if that makes sense. I just accepted it and moved on and had no real thoughts about it. It is what it is, after all.

Moments ago, however, I just went to the bathroom and when I wiped, I saw pink on the tissue. Apparently the gates are opening and AF is deciding to visit now - three days before my birthday. Why not, right?

Anyway, when I saw the pink and then looked at my panties and saw a blurry smudgy spot of red/brown, my heart practically sank and tears immediately formed in my eyes.

And as I type this, I'm finding it almost hard to breathe as the tears fall out of my eyes.

One after the other.

I wasn't expecting this reaction whatsoever.

I can't stop crying.

It's like it's really real now. Yesterday I was reminded of the D and C when I got the bill for it. Today I get my period.

It really did happen.

I was pregnant one day... not so long ago.

I was really going to become a mom finally.

For four weeks, it became more and more real that life was growing inside me and I was finally going to become the mom I've wanted to become for so, so long.

And then one day, the doctor told me there was no more hope for growth. The doctor told me he was 100% sure it was over.

Just like that.

After 7 months of trying to get pregnant... it was all over.

And the next day I had the surgery.

And now, 34 days later, I'm finally menstruating.

And the tears flood my eyes again.

:(

I just truly was not expecting this sort of reaction.

Day 35

Ugh. I've never had to wait this long for my period and it really sucks. I'll POAS Saturday if still no AF.

I got a second notification yesterday regarding my insurance not covering the D and C. I was in near tears when I opened it up and saw the charge for the procedure - $6900. For fuck's sake. And I'm sure they won't cover it because it probably reads as an abortion. That's the most sickening part of this.

Whatthefuckever.

S is going to talk to the insurance as soon as I sign a HIPAA release form stating they can discuss it with him. Hopefully something can be worked out.

I'm tired of complaining... so if I don't post much these days, that's why - I'm waiting for some good news.

Labor Day

Well it's been 33 days since the surgery and still no sign of AF. I did POAS Friday and it was, without a doubt, only one line (negative). In a way I was relieved because at least it means that when I do get a BFP, it won't be a false positive... right? But in another sense, I was a little down because it means I still have to play the Waiting Game.

And I'm just not a big fan of the Waiting Game.

I've never had to wait this long to get my period. I (obviously) had very regular cycles when I was on the Pill for umpteen years - and up till I got my BFP two months ago, my cycles were still very regular, never going over 30 days.

And here I am at 33 days.

I won't POAS again until my birthday on Saturday, though because any other PMS or BFP symptoms just aren't there: My boobs don't hurt; I've had cramps here and there but only for a couple minutes at a time and very sporadically; I've always had a pretty keen sense of smell so yesterday's raunchy reaction to potatoes (they were cooked like risotto) wasn't too abnormal I don't think; I've always had sporadic heart burn so who knows if that's a 'symptom'.

S says the doctor told me it could take a couple months for my body to realize that I need to get my period again so all I can do is wait.

I suppose it's for the best anyway as I haven't been getting much sleep lately due to where I live. Have I bitched about that lately?

Yeah, I hate where I live. I hate my neighbors, I hate the commute, I hate everything about where I live except for one thing - my husband. If it weren't for him, I'd be outta here yesterday.

Ugh.

We have so much shit to do today because yesterday was spent as if we were hungover due to getting no sleep the night before... not because we wanted this to happen but because the neighbors below us decided to have a party till 5AM and then one of the party goers realized her key was in the house with all the passed out drunk people. It's enough to make me vomit so I'm not going there. I'm just fucking tired of being this old and living but a bunch of people who should be in a fucking frat house or something.

So today when we should be doing nothing but relaxing, we have to clean clean clean and go out and do some laundry. And it's fucking hot out again.

God, am I just a big ol' ray of sunshine these days.

I really need to change my tune. Really and desperately. I'm sick and tired of doing nothing but bitching lately... it's draining.

Thank goodness for long weekends!

TGIF - for real! Holy hell has this been a long week for me.

Work is a bit stressful right now. I've got ONE - count them, ONE - fucking client out of hundreds and hundreds that I'm having a real difficult time trying to figure stuff out with. It's very frustrating because I'm usually one that comes up with some sort of solution when a problem arises but this time I'm stumped. And I don't like that feeling.
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I still don't have my period. My boobs still don't really hurt. I know this is all parr for the course but I still don't like it. Give me my period or give me a healthy pregnancy. Is that too much to ask for? (And NO, I haven't POAS yet and I won't until my birthday, next Saturday, at the earliest.)
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Tomorrow we have our second 1-year-old birthday party to go to. I'm actually really excited about this one! After handling the last one, I'm sure I can handle this one... and I just can't wait to play with the baby! She's almost walking and she's such a happy baby! Yay for babies! :)
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Not much else planned for the long weekend ... though we have a ton of cleaning and laundry to do around the house. Yay for long weekends!

Desperately seeking: Peace

Four weeks ago, my boobies hurt and felt like they were growing bigger and bigger every second... my tummy was queasy... I still felt like a mom-to-be... BUT BUT BUT we were on our way to the hospital.

UGH.

I don't really want to revisit those memories. Feel free to read all about it in my other blog.

Anyway, it's been four weeks exactly since it officially ended.

I still don't have my period.

And I will *not* POAS. I don't even want to.

I'm extremely irritable and bitchy. So I'm sure AF will show up any moment. I can't wait. My H can't wait. When the whore shows up, it means some peace in our home... in my head.

shoot me now

I've been doing pretty good this week and I think I can attribute that to my drastic hair cut last Friday.

Today, however, I'm beginning to feel a little down again. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been bouncing around the fucking internet all day long. Add that to the fact that I've got period-like cramping going on and NO sore boobies and I'm beginning to think the fucking whore Aunt Flo may be coming after all.

:(

Why I can't just miraculously be pregnant again, I don't know, but I don't think it's in my cards. No... that would be too easy. And nothing in my life has ever come easy so why the fuck would it start now?!?

See that? That's anger. I still have a lot of it and I've noticed that it really hasn't dissipated like I thought... or like I hoped. It shows up the most when I'm driving, which has become *much more* aggressive lately.

:(

Fuck, maybe I just need to see a fucking shrink again.

Oh but instead I get to go to a one-year-old's birthday party tomorrow where I'm sure there will be lots of happy mommy and daddy's and other kids around.

Shoot me now.

Holy shit!

I have egg whites!! :) I have EGG WHITES!







It's been three weeks exactly since the D and C and I have egg whites!


Maybe that means I'm actually ovulating!


Normally I'd get my period about now but don't feel period-y at all... so these egg whites must mean I'm ovulating later than normal (probably due to the surgery) and might also mean it's time to get pregnant again!

Three cheers for EGG WHITES!

The Waiting Game

I've been *really* tired the past couple of days. So much so that I actually told S last night, "I know this isn't even a real possibility, but I'm so drained that it's like it was when I was pregnant." Cuz it is. But I'm sure I'm not. And I really don't even want to get my hopes up so I shouldn't even be blogging about it. But I am. Obviously. Heh.

It's been almost three weeks (tomorrow) since the ... end. I have no cramps and my boobs don't hurt. I wonder when I'll get my period again. I wonder if "the end" will effect my cycle.

Gah, only time will tell.

And now I get to start over with the waiting game. Waiting for ovulation, waiting for my period, or waiting for that BFP (big fat positive).

Such a mean, mean fucking game!