About yesterday

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I kind of figured it would be a little rough at times, but it just sucks nonetheless. It was my great-niece's 2nd birthday, and my niece (mom of great-niece) and her mom and step-dad threw a big party for the little Princess Rugrat. :)


At first, I was just really enjoying seeing my little Great-niece and marveling over how much she has learned and how much she absorbs throughout the day. She's an angel, that one, and my niece has no clue how lucky she is.

I remember when my niece was her daughter's age and she was nothing like her in that this little girl is such an incredibly well behaved child. She says Thank You without being coached, she does what is asked of her without throwing a tantrum, and she's just a joy to be around. Not that my niece wasn't a joy to be around... she just wasn't as well-behaved as this one.


I found myself getting a bit choked up at times when I watched her be 2, but the hard part came with the questions/comments: It's your turn now... When are you two having one?... Did you hear that (my SIL) is pregnant?

I realized I spent a lot of time yesterday avoiding eye contact with both the adults and the children. How sad is that?!? I couldn't look into the eyes of the kids because they seriously would melt my heart. I would instantly ache inside and my eyes would instantly well up... so I just wouldn't look into their eyes... the eyes of the most pure innocence there is. And I found I couldn't look into the eyes of the adults because they would start talking about their kids, about being parents, or asking questions about when we would have children.

:(

And now as I type this I realize that aside from my niece's one girlfriend who is 19, my husband and I were the ONLY adults at the party that didn't have children.

Granted that's not a reason to have children - to fit in, but my god is it hard to be submerged in a party atmosphere where you - someone who wants to be a Mom more than anything - are the only non-mother in the room.

Whatever.

I can hear the Charlie Brown (Wah, wah wah wah, wah wah, wah Wah!) comments now: It'll happen... You'll be the best mom and it'll be worth the wait... Your time is coming, you'll see... Don't worry so much... You were already pregnant once so you know you'll get pregnant again.

I get it, I do. And I believe it will happen, too. It's just so fucking hard sometimes.


I got stuck sitting next to one of my aunts yesterday and she not only asked when we would be having kids, but proceeded to tell me that it would happen when I least expected it and that she wasn't even trying to have kids and she had two of them and that her daughter-in-law just suffered another miscarriage and as it turns out she had a natural miscarriage and then two weeks later had to have her other fallopian tube removed because lo and behold she was actually pregnant with twins but they didn't know (!!) and they luckily have two of her eggs frozen from when they first tried IVF and thank god they at least have their one-year old Addi in the meantime. Yes, I believe she told me all of that in one breath.

And while I simply cannot imagine what my cousin in law is going through with her surgeries and whatnot, they are at least blessed with one child already.

I don't have any children.

I am not a mom.

I am not going to be a mom anytime soon.

It's something I have to realize every fucking day of my life. And it's something I have to somehow live with and accept because who knows what tomorrow may bring? So while it may seem like I'm unable to move on, there's a reason for that: I'm still not a parent.


I tried talking to my husband again regarding all of this and regarding when we might look into other options. Personally, I don't really want to look into IVF; I'd rather just looking into adoption. But he refuses to talk to me about it. He shuts down. He tells me that it hasn't been that long and asks why we can't keep trying the old fashioned way. And I tell him that that is fine, that I want to keep trying but that I just want to know of a time when we can start looking into other options... Like we go one more year and if no pregnancy by November 09, we look into IVF or adoption.

And he won't respond.

I finally had to tell him last night that while he's turning 33, I'm 36 already and while that's only 3.5 years difference between us, it's a huge difference when it comes to parenting, in my opinion. If I was 33, I would probably say let's keep trying until 35. But I have NO DESIRE to keep trying until I'm 38! I do NOT want to be giving birth at 40. Why can't he respect that?!?!

And, more importantly, why can't he at least give me SOMETHING? At least tell me if you would want to look into IVF, Adoption, or Nothing. Give me something to look forward to because this taking things day by day is fucking killing me!

Blech.

Yeah, yesterday wasn't the best day for me, but I've certainly had worse. I just have to remember that I am blessed in so many other ways because I truly truly am. Life really is pretty damn good most days.

We're ready again

The past two weeks has been good for me in regards to the whole baby thing. I was so sick that I was unable to be on the computer much which kept me away from a lot of the baby stuff out there. And there's a LOT of it out there.

I feel real good about stuff. I'm back to liking who I am. I'm back to liking to hear about baby stuff. And that makes me feel fantastic. Jealousy is SO ugly after all.

Last night I was in bed watching some tv and S came into the room. "Tierre sent pictures of the baby!"

I jumped out of bed and followed him to the computer where he showed me pictures of baby Micah laying on his mommy's chest and belly while she smiled at the camera. Baby Micah's tiny mouth was ajar while his eyes were closed tightly. He looked like an angel, a gift from above.

S and I sat there and looked at the two pictures for about 30 seconds, both of us with huge smiles on our faces. I studied S for a moment and felt such warmth. He's going to make a good Daddy some day and I can see he's wanting it more and more with each passing day.

Our time is coming soon... and I can't wait.

Totally losing it - my mind, that is.

I might have to tell one of my oldest friends that I miscarried.

FUCK!

See this friend I talk of... we go way back. She befriended me in 8th grade in 1986. "B" was the only one to become my friend that year (it was a new school for me as my mother shockingly moved me yet again). She would call me her best friend after a couple months, but I never trusted anyone enough to call them my best friend. Pathetic, yes but I digress.

We remained close friends for almost 20 years - even through all of my moves and new schools. Then about 6 years ago, we lost touch. Just like that. Poof, no more contact. I tried emailing and calling a couple times but after absolutely no acknowledgement, I moved on.

Last year I found her sister on Myspace and through her, B and I eventually reconnected and I soon learned that she was moving to Europe with her boyfriend and shortly after she moved, I learned that she actually was married to her boyfriend. About a month after the move, we started emailing more regularily and a couple months after that, I learned that B was having a baby - due this October.

The news shocked me a little... not just because of my need to become a Mom, but more so than that, it was the story behind her pregnancy that shocked me the most: her husband never wanted to have children but wasn't always careful so oops she became pregnant.

She said some other things that really stung - basically making it seem like having babies and/or getting married is all a competition. For some, yes, that may be the case, but please do not lump me into that sum of ignorant people.

I moved on - as I often have done in the past.

B had her baby girl several weeks ago. They're both healthy and doing well. B and her husband and the baby will be moving back next month. And while a part of me is happy because we'll be able to spend time together in person again, a part of me is dreading this... especially after her latest comment of "You need to have a baby so we can have play dates."

Um... yeah.

On top of all that, one of our mutual friends, who was originally B's friend, is 12 weeks pregnant. So I can just imagine getting together with them - one with child and one with an out of womb baby, and me.

Sounds fun and delightful for a SANE person but as I discussed in my last post, I think I'm going insane or am already there.

UGH.

I don't know what my fucking point with all this is really.

I'm still here.

I've been neglecting this blog.

I'm just kind of tired of the negativity and the complaining and the sadness and the anger. What's done is done and it doesn't matter how much I bitch and moan about it, I can't change anything.

That being said, I've decided to start focusing my energy on writing fiction again. It's been years and years since I've written anything. And I really do miss it because it was a great way to escape and it was something to look forward to. And with the abilities to turn a blog into a book (see Blurb.com), why not go for it?

Plus it gives me something to look forward to, something to focus my energy on other than baby making.

And if I happen to get knocked up in the process, splendid. If not... well... maybe we'll need to talk about adoption.

I realize it's only been a month and a half since the surgery but I guess my point is that I'm not going to get all worked up over trying to get pregnant. I'm not tracking shit, I'm not taking my temperature in the morning, I'm not peeing on ovulation sticks. Been there, done that and I won't go through that again.

We'll have sex when we have sex and if that results in a pregnancy, fanfuckingtastic. If not, there's other ways to become a mom.

I guess it's just time to move on.

Feel free to check in here periodically, but I don't think I'll be posting daily anymore... you can always check out my fiction blog at fictional-characters.blogspot.com. It's currently set to private, but I may open it up one day (or you can ask me to email you an invite allowing your email addy to read it... I'm just a bit apprehensive about people stealing my work which is why I have it set to private right now).