Resolve

What an awesome, awesome, informative website: resolve.org.

It's about infertility but so much more. In the ten minutes I've been on the site, I feel so much more calm about all of this trying to make a family stuff. Really. Why did it take me so long to find such a tool?

Happy Thanksgiving

Last night, after I stuffed a couple cheeseburgers from White Castle in my mouth, after I couldn't hide the tears, S and I talked. He's not as bad of a listener as he thinks he is and for that I'm thankful. (I'm also thankful for White Castle, but not so much thankful for the vomiting that ensued at about 1:45AM as a result.)

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Anytime I used to see my my dearly departed grandfather (I miss you so much, Ota!), he would ask me "What's new?" I would inevitably reply with a "Not much," and he would frown and laugh at the same time and shout in his thick accent, "Everything! Everything is new because today's a brand new day!"

Today's a brand new day and Ota was right - everything is new. And today I feel so much better than I did last night and for that I'm extremely thankful for this Thanksgiving morning. (I'm also extremely thankful for the memories and stories I have from of my wonderful Ota, but not so much thankful that he's no longer here.)

Raw, raw, raw and so, so ugly.

You've been warned (up there in the title - it's about this post and what you might read).

I got my period about four hours ago and I'm not handling it well at all. I didn't cry as soon as I saw the pink on the tissue like I did the first periods after the d&c, but I cried all the way home. Actually, I didn't really physically cry during the drive home because I had to see where I was going, but I cried in my head and my heart and soul. And now I'm sobbing like a bitch and the tears won't stop falling and I can't breathe out of my fucking nose.

I just don't know how much more I can do this.

I really don't understand how others do this and for much longer periods of time. I mean, I *know* there are couples out there that have been trying for years and years to have kids. Some get pregnant and lose their babies. Some never get pregnant. How do they keep at it? How? This is not a rhetorical question! If you've happened to stumble on this, I'm sorry for the negativity, but please tell me *how* you keep doing this. Please!

It's not even fun anymore. I get excited to see egg whites, I tell S about it and he could care less. I'm tired of this. I know he doesn't want this as much as me, but I also know he wants it a little, at least, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me... so why the fuck won't he fuck me more during ovulation?!?

Did I mention this would be a raw and ugly post? Well, yeah, I did. Up there in the motherfucking title is where I mentioned it so if you're disturbed just move on because this is where I come to get it out of my head, get it out of my heart.

I'm fucking sick and motherfucking tired of this. It's just not fun. It actually never was. No, I take that back. It was a little fun and exciting at first, I will admit. But honest to god, after about the first month or so, it wasn't fun anymore.

Yeah, I like me some sex, but this waiting each and every fucking month is for the fucking birds. I can't take it anymore. I can't fucking take it.

And I feel like I'm in a fucking movie... precisely that fucking Baby Mama movie with Tina Fey. I'm the Tina Fey character. Or no, better yet, I feel like I'm in the movie Juno. I'm the Jennifer Garner character. Only there's no Juno character for me to get a baby from.

I don't know. I'm just really tired. And the timing just really sucks. I mean it's Thanksgiving tomorrow and I've been really trying to find something... anything... to be grateful for and just when I think I can do this, I can turn my spirits around and start to be more positive, I turn into a raging bitch because my boobs hurt and I've got cramps that feel like burning and scraping at the same time. And then it comes... my period. And out the window goes any hope for getting pregnant this month.

And once again, I'm left crying and feeling like shit... not because I'm not pregnant, but because I'm still not a mom. And I'm still not going to be a mom. And once again, I'm left wondering why the fuck my husband won't talk to me about adopting.

I just want to be a parent. A parent to a child who calls me Mom or Momma or Mommy and not just Auntie.

Oh god.

This is so, so hard. The holidays are here. It's all about families and good times. That's what it's all about: Life and the holidays - families and good times. I just want to be in the midst of that instead of continuously feeling like I'm on the fucking sidelines cheering everyone else on...

Anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day to give Thanks. And I really really really do have so much to be thankful for; I really do.

Goodnight.

Today's cramps

... feel very similar to the ones I had following the d&c and that does NOT make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. WTF?!?

I changed my mind

I don't think I'm pregnant.
I think I'm suffering from a horrific case of PMS.
I feel so completely overwhelmed with irritability right now - and for no fucking reason.
I feel like I could snap at any moment.
I'm almost ready to call a doctor, I'm so edgy right now.
And of course, couple that with cramps and burning/sore boobs and ... LOOK OUT!

Grrrrr.