Today can be summed up in one tiny, but painful word:

CRAMPS

I haz dem.

Monday Musings

I'm not too thrilled right now.


I have cramps. :(

Grrrrr.

I'm on CD21. I'll probably be getting AF next week. I cannot believe I've been getting it now for 25 years. That's insane. I need a break from AF. I need to get pregnant and stay pregnant so I don't have to have her disrupt my life for a year or so. If that's not a reason to get ktfu, I don't know what is! ;) :D

The only bright side to getting AF this cycle is that I talked to S and he's on board with buying either digital OPK sticks or an actual monitor. I'm guessing we'll go with the digital sticks next cycle. And since he's on board, he can fork over the money and therefore cannot give me the "too much pressure" excuse for boinking me when I'm ovulating. ;)

In other news, I think my dad wants to be granddaddy to one of our kids. Sigh. He's been making little comments here and there. Last week when we were eating dinner at his place and were ready to leave, he said, "Why? You have to go home and take care of the kids?" S and I both ignored his comment because it's usually best to do so rather than get into an argument over the fact that he's "old and just has to say what's on [his] mind." Our ignoring didn't go off so well and he said it again and quickly added, "I mean your cats?!"

Of course I can be reading more into it than what's actually meant, but I don't think I am. I've got a pretty good read on people.

The other day at a hockey game, we were sitting in front of a mom with her two little ones - about 3 and 1. They were adorable and very well behaved. My dad kept elbowing me to "look how cute" the kids were and every time I felt my stomach churn. He has no idea how badly I want to be a mom.... how much I look forward to his pride and joy when he can hold another grandchild.... how terrified I am that he may be too old to enjoy it when/if we finally have a child.

It's kind of sad because I want to tell him that I was pregnant but lost the baby, but I don't think he'll 'get' it and frankly, I have no desire to explain it. And I sure as hell do not want to hear, "Oh well, it'll happen again" or "Well better luck next time." And knowing my dad, I can pretty much guarantee a stupid comment like that.

Today's cramps

... feel very similar to the ones I had following the d&c and that does NOT make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. WTF?!?

Confession time

I've been cramping on and off for over a week. Today my boobs are hurting so much, they're burning a bit.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I think I might be... pregnant. It's not impossible for it to happen, after all, and it's something we're definitely wanting to happen again.

I actually broke down to Stephen the other night - about a week ago, I think. He was in the other room on the computer and I was laying on the couch with one of the cats feeling really shitty. I called out to him and asked him to come over to me and before he reached me, I had tears in my eyes and I told him, "I'm terrified, but I think I might be pregnant."

He looked at me and saw that I was crying.

"I'm scared to death, baby," I continued, "because I'm afraid I might be pregnant and I'm afraid I'm not pregnant."

"That's deep," he said, trying to make me laugh.

He sat down next to me and held me for a minute and said, "It's OK to be afraid, but you can't stop living because you're afraid and you can't stop trying to get pregnant because you're afraid. You have to just do it."

He was absolutely right. It *is* OK to be afraid, but just because you're afraid doesn't mean you don't try.

I'm so grateful to be married to his man who loves me so much.

So the rest of the week and the weekend, I've been getting more and more cramps and my boobs have gotten sorer and sorer until this morning when I could barely move they hurt so bad. Just like when I was pregnant.

I realize that these are PMS symptoms (for me at least), but ever since the d&c, I haven't had any cramping or sore boobs prior to getting my period... and now I'm getting them tenfold?!? You can see why I might think I'm pregnant!

I, of course, want to be pregnant again... and up until I spoke with my wonderful husband about my fears, I was terrified of being pregnant again. But not anymore. I'm ready for this. I'm ready for pregnancy. And I'm beyond ready for motherhood.

But like I told Stephen last night, "I'm gonna be hella pissed if I end up getting my period after all this cramping and sore boobs!" What a tease!

For today and the rest of the week, I'm going to keep my eye on the prize and hope that Thanksgiving gives us something to be truly thankful for...