I hate being neglectful

...and I'm noticing I've been neglectful not only here, but with people in my life, too.

I realize that I have a tendency to write more when I'm down - or really up. When I'm somewhere in the middle, I usually don't write so much... I guess cuz I think there's nothing much to say, or because I'm OK with the thoughts swimming in my head.

I don't know, really. It is what it is.

And aside from the lack of blogging, I've come to realize that I've been neglectful to some friends and family. I don't like this, but I think I know why I've been this way recently and I'm hoping that I can accept the reasons or at least move on from them.

The past three months (exactly) have been very trying for me. I've learned a lot - about myself and about others... more so than I thought was possible to learn in such a short time. I've learned who my real friends are. I've learned who is strong in my life and who is weak. I'm not faulting anyone, I'm just saying my eyes have been opened. And it's with this opening that I've become a little more guarded with some, while opening up even more to others.

I've learned that it's OK to be vulnerable and, more importantly, it's OK that others know your vulnerability... that's what allows others to shine in your life or, sadly, disappear. At least that's what happened with me.

It's a lot to process, really. And while I've accepted a lot of this and learned from it, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to proceed from here. Do I tell some who have greatly disappointed me, that they disappointed me? What if they are going through some trying times of their own? Is it right of me to add even more onto that? I don't think so. I understand where they're at, I just really am disappointed at how they chose to deal with things. It's very sad to me. But if I've learned one thing in my life over the past 10 years or so, it's that I cannot control any one's behaviors, actions, reactions, etc but my own. And I have to remind myself of this every single day - sometimes several times a day.

That being said, while I've learned a lot about people the past three months, I'm choosing to accept it as a learning experience of my own and move on. I vow to not let those lessons interfere with my love for these people and I will continue to show them that I am here and I care about what happens to them. We are all just human after all. I just am not sure how much of myself I may give to them anymore.

So maybe I'm not moving on? Ah, life. :)

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In other news, I'm pretty sure I got my period. I've been cramping on and off all week and today, it's pretty much been an all day thing... and then there's the brown stringy discharge I had earlier. It's not a full on waterfall of blood, but I'm sure by this time tomorrow it will be.

And I'm OK with this! Woot, woot! This is the first time in three months that I haven't had a complete breakdown as a result of that bloody whore, Flo. This excites me so, so much.

I really feel like the ugliness is finally leaving me. It was so fucking heavy, too that I can't even begin to describe how relieved I am that it's gone.

I feel like me again. And gosh darnit, I like me. :)

Alex

So yesterday S and I were both on our computers (yes, we each have our own. What can I say? S is a computer guy so there's no way he's gonna share his computer with me) at home in the "office" (the second bedroom)... I was playing some clicky game and he was doing his thing when all of a sudden he said, "I was thinking I like the name Alexander and there's none in my family."

S's parents both are one of 11 children and I believe all of their siblings have at least one child so there's a LOT of people in his family.

"What do you think of the name?" he asks after a second.

"Actually," I said, "Oma's father's name was Alexander and David[one of my nephews]'s middle name is Alexander."

"So then your grandmother will be happy if we name our child Alexander... and if it's a girl, she could be Alexandra."

"But can we call him Alex or Zander or something?" I asked.

"We can call him whatever sticks," he replied...This coming from the man that said he hates when people name their child one name, just to call it by a nickname version of it.

"Well I hate Lexi," I said.

It was a funny, albeit a little odd conversation, actually. Mainly because it was completely out of the blue.

And when I asked him what possessed him to talk of the name at that moment he said, "Well, of all the times we've discussed names, I never really told you that I really liked the name Alexander and I just wanted to see if you liked it."

I love that man. He makes me smile so much.

And this is what our child would look like... according to makemebabies.com:

Heh. :)

We're ready again

The past two weeks has been good for me in regards to the whole baby thing. I was so sick that I was unable to be on the computer much which kept me away from a lot of the baby stuff out there. And there's a LOT of it out there.

I feel real good about stuff. I'm back to liking who I am. I'm back to liking to hear about baby stuff. And that makes me feel fantastic. Jealousy is SO ugly after all.

Last night I was in bed watching some tv and S came into the room. "Tierre sent pictures of the baby!"

I jumped out of bed and followed him to the computer where he showed me pictures of baby Micah laying on his mommy's chest and belly while she smiled at the camera. Baby Micah's tiny mouth was ajar while his eyes were closed tightly. He looked like an angel, a gift from above.

S and I sat there and looked at the two pictures for about 30 seconds, both of us with huge smiles on our faces. I studied S for a moment and felt such warmth. He's going to make a good Daddy some day and I can see he's wanting it more and more with each passing day.

Our time is coming soon... and I can't wait.

I'm alive!

Wow has it been a crazy week and a half. Last Sunday, Oct 12, S and I were playing Bingo with my mom for her birthday. I felt off the whole day - like I was stoned (actually I had experienced the stoned feeling in waves that whole week). I tried enjoying the feeling but I couldn't because it was very odd, and a couple times I got queasy too. While I experienced something similar when I got pregnant, I knew that this was different.

I didn't go to work on Monday the 13th to try to sleep it off. Tuesday my left jaw and below it were all swollen and tender. I went to work, but went to the doctor, too. Turns out I had an ear infection and very swollen glands.

Tuesday was also my dad's 75th birthday and I couldn't cancel dinner out with him. I couldn't because it was HIS day. So I went and froze to death and had a miserable time, but smiled all the way through dinner. I won't have my dad with me forever, after all.

I got home Tuesday night and collapsed into the bed. Wednesday I woke and went through chills and sweats, chills and sweats. I didn't have an appetite but kept as much water down as I could.

Thursday was very much the same as Wednesday only I couldn't talk. I had some sores in my mouth that were big and very painful. I couldn't eat ANYTHING other than liquids - and even that was extremely painful.

Friday, S stayed home and drove me to the doctor. I had SHINGLES. IN MY MOUTH! Even the doctor seemed a bit disturbed by this. I guess we all carry the virus in us but it usually doesn't come out unless there's some harsh trauma or something. And I guess my earache and swollen glands brought out the shingles.

Oh god! I couldn't brush my teeth or anything. I was so weak from not eating. All I could do was lay in the bed.

Saturday I did leave the house to go see JERSEY BOYS. It was my dad's gift and there was no way I could not go... and I'm so glad I went. Yes I was pretty miserable but my dad had a blast - and that meant everything to me. As soon as we dropped off my dad, we came home and I went to bed.

Sunday I was in bed all day watching Lifetime Movies.

Monday/yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and was so tired from the visit that I came home and went to bed. (I lost 10 pounds though!)

I'm feeling better as far as the earache and swollen glands are concerned (my glands were so swollen last week that I had to put a heating pad on them!), but the shingles are still there. :( The sores have subsided a great deal thanks to Valtrex, the blue pill for Herpes, but it's still very difficult to eat anything and it still hurts a great deal if anything touches the sores.

But I'm getting there and I expect by Friday, I'll be enjoying some big old cheeseburger and boy can I not wait!

Honestly I have no clue how this would've all worked had I still been pregnant. I'd be four months along... I'm not sure I would've been able to take the Valtrex and the antibiotic that I'm on! Scary thoughts, to be honest. Or what if we already had a child? I could barely gather the strength to go the the bathroom let alone take care of another little person! Cannot imagine.

I also couldn't imagine surviving the week without S. That man is my rock. And I cannot wait to finally put my mouth all over him again.

"That One" is THE ONE!