Dear Coworker Mom of Teens

I'm so happy to know someone close to my age who enjoys being a mom. Really. When we first met and you would tell me stories of your teenagers and your parenting, I was in awe and frankly, I admired both you and your husband. You guys seem to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and your kids seem to be reaping the reward for this fact. Congrats! Kudos! Way to go!

It's awesome to know that parents really do give a shit because there are so many parents in my life who just don't give a rat's ass about their kids. I mean, of course they love their child(ren) but they just don't seem to realize that it takes a lot of work to raise a child...they don't seem to realize that it takes more than birthing the child and feeding him.

Because we were kind of close coworkers, I shared with you the fact that I became pregnant in July. I tried not talking about the pregnancy a lot with you because it was so new and so fresh and I didn't want it to rule our each and every conversation. Maybe I was just preparing myself for what was to come: the loss. I don't know. But when I did have the surgery and the loss was official I couldn't tell you face-to-face about it... Do you remember? I had to email you to let you know that I couldn't talk about it in person or via email. Do you remember this?

I appreciate that, as time went on, you would stop by and ask how I was doing without asking about how I was dealing with the loss. I do appreciate the fact that you did what you could to let me know that you were there for me if I needed you.

When you told me that a sister in law (or someone similar) lost a baby a month before giving birth and that at least I didn't endure that, I was hurt. Bad. But I knew you didn't intend on hurting me. I knew that you were truly trying to make me feel better. And I understand that it's really not your fault since you haven't experienced an early pregnancy loss and since there's no real discussion on the matter. I get that. I really do.

But what I don't understand is how you can continue to talk to me day in and day out about kids... about what your daughter is doing... about the team your son is on... about how much time and money is involved in raising kids... about how cute little ones are around the holidays...

I can't do it anymore. I very rarely talk to you about anything personal. I haven't for months. Oh wait! I haven't since my loss - nearly 5 months ago! I NEVER bring up kids - yours or someone else's. So why...Why the fuck do you continue to talk to me about your kids, about kids in general?

I totally understand that you haven't endured a loss and you like and love your kids and they rule your world. I totally understand that and I totally admire you for that... but can you try to understand that maybe I just cannot bear the kid talk? Can you try to understand that it's hard to talk about still? Can you try to understand that while my baby wasn't a "real baby" in that there was no heartbeat detected, that it was still MY BABY and that I don't have that anymore and that I'm still not a mom? Please.

Please try to understand that the reason I very rarely talk to you anymore is because of this. Please try to understand this before I have to spell it the fuck out for you. Please just shut the fuck up already. Please.

My nephew

I heard from my nephew yesterday. It was the first time in about three weeks that I've heard from him. He called because he got my MySpace message to him asking how he was doing.

Last time we talked, he told me he got a job. This time he told me he quit because he couldn't work for people who didn't respect him.

Last time we talked, he told me he was involved in a 'fight club' of sorts - a group of his friends all got together in someones basement to fight one another. This time he told me that the reason he hasn't called Grandpa (my dad), is because he has two black eyes from two different regular fights, not pertaining to this 'fight club', and can't see him because of the black eyes.

Last time we talked, he was calling from his cell phone - a phone he was able to have using his mother's plan. This time he called me from a number I didn't recognize and told me he lost his cell phone and was using his mother's.

I love my nephew with all of my heart and soul but I've spent about 15 years of his 16 years mothering the boy and I simply cannot do it anymore. I've said that before and have always caved and gone back giving my all to him, but ever since I found out I was pregnant, something changed in me and I sincerely cannot mother this boy anymore. I will continue to be here for him - always - but I can no longer make sure he follows a good path and I can no longer try to push him down that good path.

He knows what I think. He knows what I believe. He knows what I expect from him. He knows what he should and shouldn't be doing.

It's up to him now.

I worry about him often and I do believe he can succeed at whatever he wants - and I tell him this often. But I also know that he's very destructive as that's what draws attention to him, which is something he craves.

My munchkin man booger butt (MMBB) is all grown up and while there are moments when I still see him as my little MMBB, there are even more moments when I see him as trash. It's sad, really. I used to be afraid that he was going to turn into a loser, but the more time passes, the more I realize he already is a loser. At 16.

I would be mortified at myself if I was his parent.

What saddens me the most about all of it is that he is a prime example of why some people should not have children... and none of it is really his fault! It infuriates me to think about it all! Yes he's made the choices that have turned him into who he is today, but he never had the support and love and nurturing and guidance from his parents to help him make better choices. It's like the kid had no chance. It's fucking disgusting when you really dissect it all.

Yet somehow I need to *believe* that the reason my pregnancy had to end was because it had to, because had the baby grown to full term, something would've gone wrong... as opposed to believing that maybe I really am not supposed to be a biological mother for some reason or another.

Blech. It's stupid to correlate the two. My time *will* come - and hopefully my nephew will still be around to partake in it all.