I'm an Auntie. Again.

What's that old saying? Always a bridesmaid, never a bride? Does the same apply to Aunt-hood? Always an auntie, never a mom?

I have to say NO.


Anyway, here's my latest nephew born at the very end of Father's Day.



If you don't know the family, you'd think, What a great day for a child to be born. The only problem with this is that the father of this child has another son, 17, who he hasn't seen or spoken with or checked in on in years. But that's not this new baby's fault. It's just... unfortunate that things work out the way they do sometimes. Unfortunate and very unfair if you ask me.

Welcome to the world, smallest nephew of mine!

Gah

My nephew called me about an hour ago. He said he had some news: He's going to be a Uncle.

I'm not surprised by the news (because I saw the announcment on Myspace) but I acted surprised nonetheless. At least I didn't feel like I was being punched in the stomach when he told me so I guess that's one benefit of seeing it on Myspace, eh. Yeah, so his sister's pregnant. She's 21 and will be 22 when the baby is due. She just lost her job and was recently in a car accident so she was pretty freaked out, apparently, when she found out she's pregnant.

Oh, and she has one ovary.

Of course a girl with no job, with a lot of debt, and with ONE ovary is able to get pregnant. Of course. Why not? She, after all, probably wasn't taking her first waking temperature, tracking her cervical mucus, etc. She, after all, probably doesn't even know anything about ovulation or anything much about what some women go through to conceive. Nope. But she's pregnant. (And I'm sure a lot would say it's because she didn't think about conceiving. Fuck off if that's your thought.)

Apparently she was so freaked out over being knocked up that she wanted to abort but my nephew, supposedly, talked her out of it.

And now my 16 year old nephew is going to be an uncle.

And I'm going to be a Great Aunt.

Again.

That means that my ex-sister-in-law will be a grandmother at the age of 37. That makes me laugh. She had her daughter, the one that's pg, when she was 16. That's why she'll be such a young grammie.

And while that makes me laugh for a minute, it makes me sad, too. That poor excuse of a mother is going to be a grandmother at 37, and at 36, I'm still not even a Mom.

Gah!

I guess I should just be happy I don't have a headache today.

Brother

I dreamt of my brother last night and it’s making me a bit uneasy because normally when I dream vividly or in a way where the dream ‘sticks’ with me, it usually has a way of coming true… maybe not immediately, but sometime in the future something may happen where a light bulb will go off and I end up thinking, Holy shit, I dreamt about this happening.

I used to be pretty close with my brother but then life happens and people make choices that we don't all agree with and end up going down different paths.

When we were kids, I used to always want to play with him; I basically wanted to be him. He’s 3 years older than me and I hated being a girl. I wanted a BMX like him, I wanted to play soccer like him, I wanted to play baseball like him. He never let me tag along though. I’d follow him around like a lost puppy and just sort of show up wherever he was and if he saw that I was there, he and his friends would taunt me until I ran away.

We weren’t very close growing up at all. Actually none of us (Brother, Sister, myself) were. We each sort of fended for ourselves and went about our youthful days alone or with our friends, pretty much excluding one another from our lives outside of the family life.

When I was around 11, Brother became friends with his best friend, Paul. Paul was Brother’s age and deaf. Brother was the only kid in the school Paul transferred into that befriended him. Paul had a little sister, Jennifer. And soon, Brother, Paul, Jennifer and I would hang out…usually it was at their house because they didn’t have a dad and their mom pretty much let them do whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted.

So at age 11, the four of us would walk around the streets late at night smoking cigarettes or we’d hang out at their home cussing and acting like a bunch of bad asses that we actually weren’t. This was about the time when I learned to ride my bike home whilst looking like a retard – my greatest apologies to anyone with any kind of disabilities, of course.

Yep, I was around 11 and hanging out with Jennifer a lot and riding my bike home the mile or two from their house late at night and because I was always the type of person to think the worst case scenario, I was sure that some strange, creepy predator would come out and try to attack me or kidnap me or rape me. So to avoid that from happening, I’d ride my bike as fast as I could with my face in odd contortions and if I happened to pass some man on the street walking, I’d make odd creepy noises. I was certain this would keep the crazies away… and apparently it worked because I was never attacked, or raped, or kidnapped.

Anyway it was around this time in our lives when I was closest with my brother, but it didn’t last long. Soon we moved from my childhood home and Brother, now in high school, was never home and Jennifer and I lost contact due to the move so I rarely saw my brother.

It actually wasn’t until my late teens when Brother and I reconnected. Ironically it was also around this same time when Jennifer and I reconnected because, lo and behold, Brother and Jennifer ended up getting married one day and having a baby! I started hanging out with them a lot in my early 20s and then when I was like 24, Jennifer decided she no longer loved Brother the way a wife loves a husband, and she decided she wanted to be single again so left her kids (one from a prior relationship and my nephew) with Brother.

After Jennifer left, I moved in with Brother and the kids to help take care of the two kids. We became pretty close during those years because aside from him, I was his son’s primary caretaker (the other child ended up moving back in with Jennifer). I lived with him for almost five years before realizing I had to move out and start living life for myself.

Then two and half years ago, my brother decided to allow my nephew to move in with his mother (Jennifer). Brother and Nephew’s relationship deteriorated. Brother reconnected with someone he had a relationship with prior to marrying Jennifer, and moved to another state to be with this woman and her two kids. They got married in March of 2007. They’re expecting their first baby (together) in the summer. Brother and his son haven’t talked since my wedding in June 2007. I haven’t talked to Brother since around the same time, as well.

I understand the choices he made. I do not, however, understand his near abandonment of his son. And that’s where I draw the line. Of course I love my brother, but I don’t like him much these days. I used to feel sorry for him, but not anymore. You simply don’t have a child with someone and throw them away when the going gets tough and run off and have a child with someone else. It’s just not right.

Anyway, the dream: He came to visit. His wife was still pregnant and still trashy. He decided he was going to stay here and not go back home to his wife. I was surprised by this but also happy. I felt like I could finally tell him how I felt about his wife and the whole situation.

I don’t really remember anything specific, but I do remember the players and I do remember that he left her. And I do remember it being a happy dream.

We'll see what happens in reality. Not my problem either way but I do find it creepily intriguing when parts of my dreams come true.

Heavy stuff

I've seen the inside of hospitals more over the past two years than I care to ever see again.

My dad got to ride in a fancy ambulance yesterday.

He was crossing the street to wait for the bus and somehow lost his footing. At first, his right hand stopped his fall but as he felt a ton of pain, he lifted his right hand up and kissed the concrete with his face, nose first. His left hand, after all, was too busy protecting the onions, plums, and tomatoes he just purchased at the grocery store.

He called me from the ambulance about an hour before my work day was originally supposed to come to an end. I left right away because we've had horrendous flooding and I had no idea how long it would take me to get to the hospital.

When I arrived, he was getting an MRI on his head.

Four hours later, we finally left the hospital and dear old Daddio is now the proud owner of 13 stitches in the palm of his hand (ouch!), and a big old cut in his nose along with some scratches.
He's OK. He's fine. He's just... not getting any younger and completely and utterly alone.

And yesterday was just another reminder of that.

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In other news, I'm meeting up with my nephew's big sister tomorrow for dinner. She contacted me last week about my nephew... reaching out to me because she doesn't know what she's supposed to do about him.

She's worried, she knows I'm worried, and she's hoping I can provide some answers, some help.

She's not my biological niece, but I still consider her my niece - even though it's been over 10 years since we've sat down and had a meal together.

I just hope I can give her some guidance to helpfully help out my nephew.

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This is all pretty heavy...and I suppose it all can be more 'reasons' why I'm not yet a mom or mom-to-be yet.

My nephew

I heard from my nephew yesterday. It was the first time in about three weeks that I've heard from him. He called because he got my MySpace message to him asking how he was doing.

Last time we talked, he told me he got a job. This time he told me he quit because he couldn't work for people who didn't respect him.

Last time we talked, he told me he was involved in a 'fight club' of sorts - a group of his friends all got together in someones basement to fight one another. This time he told me that the reason he hasn't called Grandpa (my dad), is because he has two black eyes from two different regular fights, not pertaining to this 'fight club', and can't see him because of the black eyes.

Last time we talked, he was calling from his cell phone - a phone he was able to have using his mother's plan. This time he called me from a number I didn't recognize and told me he lost his cell phone and was using his mother's.

I love my nephew with all of my heart and soul but I've spent about 15 years of his 16 years mothering the boy and I simply cannot do it anymore. I've said that before and have always caved and gone back giving my all to him, but ever since I found out I was pregnant, something changed in me and I sincerely cannot mother this boy anymore. I will continue to be here for him - always - but I can no longer make sure he follows a good path and I can no longer try to push him down that good path.

He knows what I think. He knows what I believe. He knows what I expect from him. He knows what he should and shouldn't be doing.

It's up to him now.

I worry about him often and I do believe he can succeed at whatever he wants - and I tell him this often. But I also know that he's very destructive as that's what draws attention to him, which is something he craves.

My munchkin man booger butt (MMBB) is all grown up and while there are moments when I still see him as my little MMBB, there are even more moments when I see him as trash. It's sad, really. I used to be afraid that he was going to turn into a loser, but the more time passes, the more I realize he already is a loser. At 16.

I would be mortified at myself if I was his parent.

What saddens me the most about all of it is that he is a prime example of why some people should not have children... and none of it is really his fault! It infuriates me to think about it all! Yes he's made the choices that have turned him into who he is today, but he never had the support and love and nurturing and guidance from his parents to help him make better choices. It's like the kid had no chance. It's fucking disgusting when you really dissect it all.

Yet somehow I need to *believe* that the reason my pregnancy had to end was because it had to, because had the baby grown to full term, something would've gone wrong... as opposed to believing that maybe I really am not supposed to be a biological mother for some reason or another.

Blech. It's stupid to correlate the two. My time *will* come - and hopefully my nephew will still be around to partake in it all.