REMEMBERANCE

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Moving on after Miscarriage

Apparently the Today Show did a segment on miscarriage earlier: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891#32655563

It was a great piece, I thought.
It brought tears to my eyes, of course.

It just steams me that so many of us go through this and it's all hush-hush.

I was particularly pleased that they touched on Early loss and that it's still devastating nonetheless!
I want to broadcast this 24/7.

People need to wake up out there and be more empathetic. Miscarriage is NOT a secret club. Nobody wants to join it, but it happens. Every day, unfortunately. Show some support!!

The longest while.

I can't believe I've neglected this blog for so long. I mean, I can, but I can't. I suck sometimes is what it boils down to... sort of.

I'm finally going to spill the beans here. It's been a long time coming but I have my reasons. And actually, when it comes down to the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been *that* long.

So.. Here Goes: I'm Pregnant. 21 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Almost five months pregnant. Me. PREGNANT!!

Now here's the thing: I'm beyond excited, elated, whatever. But it has not been an easy time getting to this point. In fact, it wasn't until my last appointment, nearly two weeks ago, that I started to feel really excited about this.

It's been HARD for me to grasp. Not that I'm pregnant, but that there really and truly is a baby growing inside of me and s/he really and truly is OK and that s/he really and truly is going to be born unto us... it's just been a hard road travelled is all.

And yes, I most certainly blame it on last year's miscarriage... Without ANY hesitation whatsoever... Unfortunately.

Things were so iffy with my emotions, or lack of, that my wonderful husband (and I do mean Wonderful because he's been absolutely beyond amazing and loving and supporting and adorable and wonderful with this pregnancy) actually asked if maybe I should go speak with a professional about it. There were comments like, "I hope you get excited about this soon."

:(

I realized through some tough moments that my lack of excitement and energy toward this pregnancy, this baby, was not only a result of the miscarriage from last year but also because of the fact that that pregnancy and that loss basically stole any innocence I had when it came to conceiving or trying to conceive a child of our own. I just couldn't get excited because I knew what could very well happen.

I mean, sure there are statistics and every newly pregnant woman thinks about miscarriage at some point during their pregnancy, but having been there, I can honestly say that it truly is different once it's happened. It's one thing to think about it, but it's a whole other ballgame to be able to remember and re-live moments ... it's just not easy for our brains to grasp. And then there's the fear of becoming too attached (again) only for it to be ripped away (again).

It killed me inside to know that no matter what I did or tried to do, the excitement for this baby just wasn't there - not like it was last year. Not like it was when I had never experienced being pregnant before. It killed me. I tried so hard not to compare pregnancies and appointments but it was too difficult. And then July 3rd came about and I was reminded how just one year prior I was the happiest person to walk the face of the earth... only for July 29th to hit and remind me that I wanted to wither away to nothing.

It's truly been a very interesting couple of months to say the least.

And please don't for one moment think that I'm not INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to be sitting here today writing this while my baby wiggles around inside of me. I couldn't be happier right now... well, yes, I could and I will be when the baby is placed in my arms.

It just took a while for me to get here, is all.

I can't even say how many appointments I've had and I think I've had 5 ultrasounds already, too. I'm not complaining about these appointments because with every one that I... WE... survived, the more excited I became. But it just wasn't easy to get here.

I'd have to say that it was my last appointment, just two weeks ago, that has brought me to this elation stage I'm in currently. I was SO incredibly anxious and worried that something horrible would go wrong with that appointment. It had been four long weeks since the last time I saw my baby - and even longer for my poor husband. But it was so worth it.

On the screen, in black and white, was our baby. Moving. Chilling out. Even hiccuping. Everything was there and seemed to be growing appropriately. It was beautiful. Then when I saw the doctor, he tried listening for the heartbeat (prior appts had been unsuccessful - probably because of my pre-pg fat) and after a minute or so, we heard it. That truly magical sound of our living and growing baby.

We finally get to become parents.

And maybe tomorrow, we'll finally find out the sex.

**********************************************

So there you have it... a tiny reason why I haven't been around too much the past several months. And since this is a blog dealing with loss, I probably won't be posting too much in the future either. At least I hope not (when it comes to loss).

But this all will always remain with me. No matter what tomorrow brings.

A part of who I am now

As much as I'm trying to move on, to avoid this blog, to avoid thinking about what happened a year ago... I just can't.

I can't forget it, I can't ignore it.

It's a part of who I am now.

And as much as I want that to change... or vanish... or at least subside even a little, I've pretty much come to terms that it never will.

Because it's a part of who I am now.

I'm talking about the miscarriage I suffered one year ago. I'm talking about the best AND worst month of my life - July 2008.



I've had some really good moments this month in this year - most things I haven't touched on yet here at this blog. I've been wanting to share some thoughts here, but I just couldn't. Not yet. Not now. Not until July 30th comes and goes, at least.

Argh.

It's just an odd month for me... and an even harder week.

This was the month when I got pregnant, this was the month my life was taking a change, this was the month when all my hopes and dreams got crushed, too. All in one month in one year of my life.

Like I said, an odd month.

It's just hard not to reflect this time around. Maybe next year will be easier - and hopefully years to follow, too.

But I don't think I can ever forget this month in 2008.

It's just a part of who I am now.

One year ago yesterday, today

4th of July, 2009

So one year ago yesterday, I got my first ever BFP. I can remember it like it was yesterday... I was SO incredibly happy and excited, and looking back, a little naive, too.

No, actually I don't think naive is the right word. More like innocent. I just didn't think I'd fall into the category of miscarrying.

I told S yesterday that one year ago I got my BFP and he didn't really say much. I sat in silence for several minutes just thinking about the past year and about what could've been and said, "We would've had a 4-month old if it all worked out."

He kept playing his video game.

"Have you ever thought of that?"

"No," he said calmly.

How sad, I thought. I mean, I guess I understand because while he would've been the daddy, he didn't have to suffer the physical ramifications of having a pregnancy end so early... he didn't have to suffer the knife-like cramping for months to follow as a reminder that there was once life forming inside and then was sucked out due to no more growth. I guess I can understand that he can let it go so easily - as can everyone else.

I guess it's just different for the women that have to carry the burden, the pain, the torment of knowing there was once the start of a what could have been an amazing life and then, boom, it's over. All inside of you. It's like it belongs to you and only you... and because the world is so fucking hush-hush about it all, who else is going to carry that pain?! Hell, who else is even going to empathize with you?!?

Uck.
... ... ...

One year ago today, we were so excited and so giddy and so ... everything. We went to Walgreens one year ago today, to pick up some random stuff for the weekend, including a digital test. I would wait until tomorrow (did I mention I remember this like it was yesterday) to take the digital test with the first morning's urine. At like 4 or 5AM I'd get up (tomorrow - a year ago) and pee in a cup and go back to sleep... only there was no sleeping, just tossing and turning with a grin on my face and romantic day dreams of living happily ever after in my head. After an hour or so, I'd get up and go back in the bathroom, unwrap the digital test, dip it in the pee for 15 excrutiatingly long seconds, cap the pee end, place it on the edge of the tub and wait. I'd close my eyes and continue my romantic day dreams, telling myself not to peek. And then, after what seemed like an hour but was really only a couple minutes, I opened my eyes, told myself not to get upset if it wasn't positive like the Dollar Store tests were two days prior, and glanced down at the digital test whilst holding my breath.

PREGNANT it read.

PREGNANT.

I remember looking into the mirror after reading PREGNANT for a third time, smiling, and then crying. I was finally going to become a mom.
... ... ...

No point in reliving the entire moment. That's enough for now. You can read all about it by clicking on the link at the beginning of this post if that's something you want to do. I'm done reliving it. It's really time for me to let this all go... I really need to move on.

I won't ever forget this happened. I won't ever forget that I became close to becoming a mom in 2009, but... I just need to move forward. It's beyond time.

I love you, my angel.
xoxoxo