Sunday, November 9, 2008

What a week!

This first week of November has been quite an eventful one to say the least. It started out tremendously well with the new President-elect being named Barack Obama. I can't ever remember a time in my 36 years when I've felt so proud to be an American. And while I know that I'm not alone in that matter, the voices of those that feel very differently, sadly enough, have been quite loud, too... including some in my own family (specifically my SIL, married to my own brother).

But I have confidence that Obama will prove all the naysayers wrong and really make this country shine again... and I cannot wait! And I'm so immensely proud to have been a part of it all.

That's the good stuff from the week. And it really is so incredibly good, thankfully.

But then things took a turn for the worse... personally speaking, and all I can say is that it's a damn good thing I've been in a much better place regarding my loss three months ago or I would've had a bigger meltdown today than I did.

It started with an email I got on election day Tuesday from my grandmother's cousin's daughter in Europe. She's a couple years younger than me, been married for several years, has two young boys. She told me she was pregnant again, this time with a girl, due in March (when I was due). She seems happy so I'm happy, but seeing March as the due date was very unexpected and it stung a little.

I couldn't respond to the email right away but did the next day, which was the same day one of my friends' baby shower invites came in... my friend whose husband never wanted to have children. Sigh.

Then on Friday I learned that my old boss's 21 year old daughter was expecting a baby. In March. Double Sigh. (Friday was an even worse day because it marked the three year anniversary of the day my nephew - brother's son whom he has no contact with - moved out of my brother's house and in with his mother, ultimately starting the demise of his young life, and, coincidentally enough, November 7th marked the three year anniversary of the day my dear Grandfather passed away. It's a day I will never forget no matter how much I wish I could.)

But the kicker to the whole week was the news I learned last night. Apparently my racist SIL, married to my brother who hasn't had contact with his one and only biological child in well over a year, is pregnant.

I cried after I found out. The tears flew out of my eyes for several minutes, while the ugly thoughts ran through my head and seeped into my heart: I don't understand why I'm not a mom yet. Am I not meant to be a mom? Was I put here just to be an aunt?

Believe me when I say these are thoughts that have invaded my mind during more occasions than just last night and this morning, but last night and this morning, the thoughts consumed me again.

It hurts so much to know that there are people - every single day - giving birth to children they or their partners never wanted. It hurts me so much to know that my SIL and brother are expecting another child, when the two she has have no contact with their different dads and the one he has he has no contact with.

Why do these people get to have children? Why do these people get to be called Mom and Dad? And why don't I get to have a child? Why don't I get to be called Mom?

I finally told S what's been going on. He listened and tried to rationalize it all, which I appreciated and needed. And he made me realize that it really is probably a good thing I lost the baby at the end of July - specifically because of how sick I was in October with the ear infection and shingles in my mouth. He did his best to make me believe again that things really do happen for a reason.

And I just really, REALLY have to believe in that - that there's a reason everything has happened the way it has and, more importantly, that I will get to be a Mom when the time is perfect.


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