...and I'm noticing I've been neglectful not only here, but with people in my life, too.
I realize that I have a tendency to write more when I'm down - or really up. When I'm somewhere in the middle, I usually don't write so much... I guess cuz I think there's nothing much to say, or because I'm OK with the thoughts swimming in my head.
I don't know, really. It is what it is.
And aside from the lack of blogging, I've come to realize that I've been neglectful to some friends and family. I don't like this, but I think I know why I've been this way recently and I'm hoping that I can accept the reasons or at least move on from them.
The past three months (exactly) have been very trying for me. I've learned a lot - about myself and about others... more so than I thought was possible to learn in such a short time. I've learned who my real friends are. I've learned who is strong in my life and who is weak. I'm not faulting anyone, I'm just saying my eyes have been opened. And it's with this opening that I've become a little more guarded with some, while opening up even more to others.
I've learned that it's OK to be vulnerable and, more importantly, it's OK that others know your vulnerability... that's what allows others to shine in your life or, sadly, disappear. At least that's what happened with me.
It's a lot to process, really. And while I've accepted a lot of this and learned from it, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to proceed from here. Do I tell some who have greatly disappointed me, that they disappointed me? What if they are going through some trying times of their own? Is it right of me to add even more onto that? I don't think so. I understand where they're at, I just really am disappointed at how they chose to deal with things. It's very sad to me. But if I've learned one thing in my life over the past 10 years or so, it's that I cannot control any one's behaviors, actions, reactions, etc but my own. And I have to remind myself of this every single day - sometimes several times a day.
That being said, while I've learned a lot about people the past three months, I'm choosing to accept it as a learning experience of my own and move on. I vow to not let those lessons interfere with my love for these people and I will continue to show them that I am here and I care about what happens to them. We are all just human after all. I just am not sure how much of myself I may give to them anymore.
So maybe I'm not moving on? Ah, life. :)
In other news, I'm pretty sure I got my period. I've been cramping on and off all week and today, it's pretty much been an all day thing... and then there's the brown stringy discharge I had earlier. It's not a full on waterfall of blood, but I'm sure by this time tomorrow it will be.
And I'm OK with this! Woot, woot! This is the first time in three months that I haven't had a complete breakdown as a result of that bloody whore, Flo. This excites me so, so much.
I really feel like the ugliness is finally leaving me. It was so fucking heavy, too that I can't even begin to describe how relieved I am that it's gone.
I feel like me again. And gosh darnit, I like me. :)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
...and I'm noticing I've been neglectful not only here, but with people in my life, too.
Monday, October 27, 2008
So yesterday S and I were both on our computers (yes, we each have our own. What can I say? S is a computer guy so there's no way he's gonna share his computer with me) at home in the "office" (the second bedroom)... I was playing some clicky game and he was doing his thing when all of a sudden he said, "I was thinking I like the name Alexander and there's none in my family."
S's parents both are one of 11 children and I believe all of their siblings have at least one child so there's a LOT of people in his family.
"What do you think of the name?" he asks after a second.
"Actually," I said, "Oma's father's name was Alexander and David[one of my nephews]'s middle name is Alexander."
"So then your grandmother will be happy if we name our child Alexander... and if it's a girl, she could be Alexandra."
"But can we call him Alex or Zander or something?" I asked.
"We can call him whatever sticks," he replied...This coming from the man that said he hates when people name their child one name, just to call it by a nickname version of it.
"Well I hate Lexi," I said.
It was a funny, albeit a little odd conversation, actually. Mainly because it was completely out of the blue.
And when I asked him what possessed him to talk of the name at that moment he said, "Well, of all the times we've discussed names, I never really told you that I really liked the name Alexander and I just wanted to see if you liked it."
I love that man. He makes me smile so much.
And this is what our child would look like... according to makemebabies.com:
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The past two weeks has been good for me in regards to the whole baby thing. I was so sick that I was unable to be on the computer much which kept me away from a lot of the baby stuff out there. And there's a LOT of it out there.
I feel real good about stuff. I'm back to liking who I am. I'm back to liking to hear about baby stuff. And that makes me feel fantastic. Jealousy is SO ugly after all.
Last night I was in bed watching some tv and S came into the room. "Tierre sent pictures of the baby!"
I jumped out of bed and followed him to the computer where he showed me pictures of baby Micah laying on his mommy's chest and belly while she smiled at the camera. Baby Micah's tiny mouth was ajar while his eyes were closed tightly. He looked like an angel, a gift from above.
S and I sat there and looked at the two pictures for about 30 seconds, both of us with huge smiles on our faces. I studied S for a moment and felt such warmth. He's going to make a good Daddy some day and I can see he's wanting it more and more with each passing day.
Our time is coming soon... and I can't wait.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wow has it been a crazy week and a half. Last Sunday, Oct 12, S and I were playing Bingo with my mom for her birthday. I felt off the whole day - like I was stoned (actually I had experienced the stoned feeling in waves that whole week). I tried enjoying the feeling but I couldn't because it was very odd, and a couple times I got queasy too. While I experienced something similar when I got pregnant, I knew that this was different.
I didn't go to work on Monday the 13th to try to sleep it off. Tuesday my left jaw and below it were all swollen and tender. I went to work, but went to the doctor, too. Turns out I had an ear infection and very swollen glands.
Tuesday was also my dad's 75th birthday and I couldn't cancel dinner out with him. I couldn't because it was HIS day. So I went and froze to death and had a miserable time, but smiled all the way through dinner. I won't have my dad with me forever, after all.
I got home Tuesday night and collapsed into the bed. Wednesday I woke and went through chills and sweats, chills and sweats. I didn't have an appetite but kept as much water down as I could.
Thursday was very much the same as Wednesday only I couldn't talk. I had some sores in my mouth that were big and very painful. I couldn't eat ANYTHING other than liquids - and even that was extremely painful.
Friday, S stayed home and drove me to the doctor. I had SHINGLES. IN MY MOUTH! Even the doctor seemed a bit disturbed by this. I guess we all carry the virus in us but it usually doesn't come out unless there's some harsh trauma or something. And I guess my earache and swollen glands brought out the shingles.
Oh god! I couldn't brush my teeth or anything. I was so weak from not eating. All I could do was lay in the bed.
Saturday I did leave the house to go see JERSEY BOYS. It was my dad's gift and there was no way I could not go... and I'm so glad I went. Yes I was pretty miserable but my dad had a blast - and that meant everything to me. As soon as we dropped off my dad, we came home and I went to bed.
Sunday I was in bed all day watching Lifetime Movies.
Monday/yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and was so tired from the visit that I came home and went to bed. (I lost 10 pounds though!)
I'm feeling better as far as the earache and swollen glands are concerned (my glands were so swollen last week that I had to put a heating pad on them!), but the shingles are still there. :( The sores have subsided a great deal thanks to Valtrex, the blue pill for Herpes, but it's still very difficult to eat anything and it still hurts a great deal if anything touches the sores.
But I'm getting there and I expect by Friday, I'll be enjoying some big old cheeseburger and boy can I not wait!
Honestly I have no clue how this would've all worked had I still been pregnant. I'd be four months along... I'm not sure I would've been able to take the Valtrex and the antibiotic that I'm on! Scary thoughts, to be honest. Or what if we already had a child? I could barely gather the strength to go the the bathroom let alone take care of another little person! Cannot imagine.
I also couldn't imagine surviving the week without S. That man is my rock. And I cannot wait to finally put my mouth all over him again.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I like when I'm not PMSing.
I like when I'm not bleeding.
I feel so much more in control and so much less angry and... pathetic.
One of S's close friends is a new daddy of a little boy: Micah Caden. I love the name Micah. A lot. I went out yesterday and got a couple little things for Micah so that S can give it to his friend when he sees him next. I'd like to see Micah for myself, but it's probably best I don't just yet. Honestly, I think I'd totally cry if I had the chance to hold a newborn. In fact, thinking of holding him was the only time I got a little teary this time... but I don't think it was due to jealousy or anger; it was a good teary. I think.
Like I said, I like when I'm not PMSing or when I'm not bleeding. I like who I am during these few weeks a month.
I also feel more ... hopeful ... during these days. Like I can see myself getting k/u soon and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.
I need to focus on these feelings when I am PMSing or bleeding; therefore, this will become the Focus Post and hopefully next time - if there is a next time - I get all down and plain ugly, I can come back here and realize that it's just the hormones talking and that I really am not an ugly, selfish, jealous, pathetic person.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
We've been together for 8.5 years.
We're in our 30s.
We only have sex once, maybe twice a month.
I used to be bothered by that because I really, really enjoy sex.
Since the D and C, however, I've noticed that I don't care for sex the way I used to.
It doesn't bother me that we don't have sex too often.
And when we do have sex, I do not enjoy it. I can't seem to orgasm anymore.
I'm not sure if it's in my head or if it's because of the surgery.
I haven't revealed this to my husband because I don't want him to think I don't like sex with him anymore.
I hope I start liking it again soon.
Monday, October 6, 2008
I might have to tell one of my oldest friends that I miscarried.
See this friend I talk of... we go way back. She befriended me in 8th grade in 1986. "B" was the only one to become my friend that year (it was a new school for me as my mother shockingly moved me yet again). She would call me her best friend after a couple months, but I never trusted anyone enough to call them my best friend. Pathetic, yes but I digress.
We remained close friends for almost 20 years - even through all of my moves and new schools. Then about 6 years ago, we lost touch. Just like that. Poof, no more contact. I tried emailing and calling a couple times but after absolutely no acknowledgement, I moved on.
Last year I found her sister on Myspace and through her, B and I eventually reconnected and I soon learned that she was moving to Europe with her boyfriend and shortly after she moved, I learned that she actually was married to her boyfriend. About a month after the move, we started emailing more regularily and a couple months after that, I learned that B was having a baby - due this October.
The news shocked me a little... not just because of my need to become a Mom, but more so than that, it was the story behind her pregnancy that shocked me the most: her husband never wanted to have children but wasn't always careful so oops she became pregnant.
She said some other things that really stung - basically making it seem like having babies and/or getting married is all a competition. For some, yes, that may be the case, but please do not lump me into that sum of ignorant people.
I moved on - as I often have done in the past.
B had her baby girl several weeks ago. They're both healthy and doing well. B and her husband and the baby will be moving back next month. And while a part of me is happy because we'll be able to spend time together in person again, a part of me is dreading this... especially after her latest comment of "You need to have a baby so we can have play dates."
On top of all that, one of our mutual friends, who was originally B's friend, is 12 weeks pregnant. So I can just imagine getting together with them - one with child and one with an out of womb baby, and me.
Sounds fun and delightful for a SANE person but as I discussed in my last post, I think I'm going insane or am already there.
I don't know what my fucking point with all this is really.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I was laying in bed earlier thinking how I was going to come in here and post about how crazy and different my mind works during different times of the month... how if I'm bleeding or about to bleed, I'm very emotional and a bit irrational and how when I'm just done bleeding I'm pretty fucking happy and content.
But instead of coming in here and writing that, I checked my email and found one sitting there from a friend of a friend whom I haven't heard from since I got my BFP. I didn't tell her I got my BFP so I didn't ever have to tell her about the D and C. So she didn't know anything... but her email to me told me something: she's pregnant. 12 weeks today.
And the news of her pregnancy and her exhaustion and her nausea stung me.
Goddamnit why can't I just be happy for people?!?!
And then instead of coming here and posting, I go to a message board I frequent and see a pic of a newborn baby that one of the girls just had and all these wonderful posts to her about being a mom and .... once again .... I just lost it and instead of out and out crying like the little whiny bitch that I am these days, I finally came here to write.
But then my husband heard me typing away and asked if there was something I wanted to talk about and I said NO. Because I really don't. I HATE feeling like this. I HATE feeling ... jealousy or whatever the fuck it is because someone else is having a good pregnancy or because someone else just became a mom.
Instead of taking believing me when I said NO, he came in here and saw that I was crying and hugged me and wouldn't let go. So I let it alllllllllll out to him. His shoulder caught all my tears and snot as I just let it all out. Every bit of it. And I cried and cried while he just continued to hug me.
I feel a little better now.
But is this what it's going to be like until I become a mom? Because if it is, I think I might totally lose my fucking mind first.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
So ever since the fucking D and C, my periods have come from nowhere (PMS symptoms of sore boobs and cramping have disappeared) and have been heavier, longer, and more painful than ever before.
WTF is that all about?
Not only can I not tell when I'm getting it these days, but when I do get it, it's practically debilitating. Today is day four of heavy bleeding, horrible cramping, and painful backaches.
This fucking sucks. Not only did I lose a pregnancy, but now I have to have worse periods than ever before. Uh huh, makes perfect sense to me.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I feel so much better after getting all that out of me...
or maybe the drugs are wearing off a bit.
I should not be feeling like this.
I should not be feeling like this. I should not be feeling like this. I should not be feeling like this!
I just found out that someone I know is in labor. She’s having a baby. She’s having her and her husband’s baby. She’s becoming a mom. And while I’m truly happy and excited for her, I’m also crying. Literally crying! And they are not tears of joy or excitement.
I’m so ugly right now.
I have horrific cramps, I feel like I’m going to bleed everywhere, I feel like I’m going to vomit, and I’m in tears because someone else is becoming a mom.
I’m so ugly!
I took some more pain killers when I found out. Pain killers left over from the D and C.
I was trying not to take the pain killers because I really don’t want to get addicted… but then I found out someone else was becoming a mom so I took them.
Piss poor reason, really.
They didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I think I feel more depressed than ever.
I hate feeling like this… and I don’t know what ‘this’ is per say. Is it jealousy, anger, sadness? All of it? None of it?
I keep thinking about my age, too and that doesn’t help matters. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30. I don’t want to be an old mom. My dad is 75 and it hasn’t been easy dealing with him and he was 39 when I was born. I don’t want to be a burden to my child in 30 years. Motherfucker this wasn’t supposed to go down like this. None of it was supposed to happen this way.
My whole fucking life hasn’t gone the way it was supposed to.
I love my life, don’t get me wrong. I love life, period. But I’m just so incredibly motherfucking tired of watching things happen for others that should be happening to me. I deserve the things I want. I paid my dues.
When is it my turn?
I’m so fucking ugly right now and I fucking hate it.
I need to get a grip. I need to get over the fact that I’m not a mom yet and just BELIEVE that I will become one soon. I really need to believe again. I need to let go of the negativity and focus on the positivity:
- I’m alive.
- I’m relatively healthy.
- I have a wonderful husband who loves me so, so much.
- It’s a beautiful time of year.
- I’m an aunt to some amazing kids, most of whom are functioning grown adults.
- I’m a great aunt to a beautiful almost 2-year-old angel.
- I have a job.
- I have a roof over my head and a working car.
- I have food on the table.
- I have lots of love inside to give.
- I love myself.
- I like myself.
- Life is so good. It’s so, so good.
- And I know my time to be a mom will come. It will. It must. I have to believe. I have to.
(I just wish I wasn’t so ugly right now)